Glass Case of Emotion

Wrestlemania 27 Running Diary

2011-04-04T15:58:00.005-04:00

So, after last year's ill-fated attempt to follow along online on a pirated site, I actually bit the bullet this year and ordered the grandaddy of them all on pay-per-view. Did the fact that I've been bedridden for the past week with the flu have anything to do with this? Yes. Yes it did. But at least I'm getting a running diary out of it.

650pm - The grandaddy is officially ordered! There's $55 I'm never getting back.

653 - The Undertaker's opponent this year, and the latest to attempt to break his Wrestlemania undefeated streak is none other than The Game, Triple H. Which of course means that everyone has to pretend that one of the previous victims of the Undertaker's streak is none other than The Game, Triple H.

655 - Preshow guy: "Two of the greats are finally going to meet at Wrestlemania!" . . . just like they did ten years ago, at Wrestlemania 17.

700 - Keri Hilson sings America the Beautiful to open up the show, or as Rick put it, "Pretty America Rock." She is a classic two face, but she's looking good tonight.

703 - After Hilson we get a Tonight show-esque intro - "Live, from Atlanta, its Wrestlemania 27, with your host, The Rock!" I'm digging it.

706 - The Rock comes out wearing a track suit from the Tony Soprano collection. At least I'm getting my money's worth out front.

709 - There's a small "Cena sucks" chant breaking out, as he's been feuding with the Rock leading into the show, followed by Rock saying, "When The Rock says 'wrestle', you say 'mania'". I say "ghey".

711 - The Rock is legitimately pumped to be back; he just referred to his water bottle as "the People's water"

715 - Wait, now we're getting the highlight package from years past to signify the start of the show? What the hell was the past 15 minutes?

717 - Play by play man Michael Cole: "This is the fabric of Americana." And hyperbole, apparently.

718 - Holy shit, the World Championship match is opening the show? Guess that goes to show the Smackdown guys how highly they're thought of.

719 - The challenger, Alberto Del Rio, is this year's Royal Rumble winner. He's also a full on rapist. Philanthropist, sorry.

722 - Don't be alarmed, but there is a giant glowing Edge cube floating over the middle of the ring. I'm 90% sure its not a fever hallucination.

726 - I don't really have anything to say about this match, other than it wouldn't surprise me to see Christian turn on Edge here.

727 - Del Rio's bodyguard has his name on the front of his shit. I'm guessing there's not a huge demand on that item at the merchandise stands.

731 - A Del Rio chant breaks out. Apparently there's a huge Mexican population in Atlanta that I was unaware of.

735 - Edge wins! That was actually a great match. I suppose that's why they had it open the show.

738 - Edge and Christian destroy Del Rio's Rolls Royce with a crowbar and lead pipe after the match. What poor sports.

743 - Cody Rhodes, son of Dusty, vs. Rey Mysterio Jr., son of Rey Mysterio Sr. is the next matchup.

744 - Rey comes out dressed as Captain America, but with elements of his Mexican heritage incorporated. Does that make him Captain New Mexico?

745 - Rey starts off with the cheapshot before the bell. Crafty Mexicans.

747 - Cody Rhodes is working the "protective body part cover secretly used as a weapon" angle to perfection with his protective face mask.

750 - An impressive superplex from Rhodes gets a nice "Cody" chant from the crowd. I guess Atlanta is trying to take the "cheering for the bad guy" title away from MSG tonight.

756 - I rarely watch wrestling, yet every one of Mysterio's matches I've seen over the past 10 years have been exactly the same. This is putting me to sleep.

757 - Cody Rhodes wins. Whatever.

759 - The Michael Cole vs. Jerry Lawler commentator feud is annoying as hell to listen to. It gets broken up by an AWFUL sketch involving Snoop and Teddy Long, the only saving grace of which was some rando singing "Friday" followed by Roddy Piper coming in out of nowhere and smashing him over the head with a coconut.

803 - The sketch finally ends with Hornswoggle rapping. That was just awful. It leads into an 8 man tag match with the Corre (bad guys) vs. Kane, Big Show, Santino and Kofi Kingston.

805 - Santino barely comes up to Kane and Big Show's chests.

806 - Cole calls Corre member Heath Slater "the one man rock band" on commentary. Ok.

807 - The match degenerates into a brawl, and ends less than a minute later. That match got less time than that awful Snoop sketch.

810 - We cut to the Rock backstage hitting on some random chick who is apparently Divas champion, which segways into a Mae Young bit. Apparently tonight's Wrestlemania was written by Bruce Vilanch.

812 - A Stone Cold appearance isn't even enough to save that sketch.

815 - The next match still hasn't started. Good thing they only gave the 8 man tag match 90 seconds so we could make sure all this filler gets in.

817 - If I followed wrestling regularly, either CM Punk or Randy Orton would probably be my favorite guy. They are wrestling each other here.

819 - The 3D hover cube is back, and its really freaking me out.

824 - I don't know how Punk wrestles with a lip ring in. I almost lost a finger delivering mail with a regular ring on.

827 - Punk goes old school with the Bret Hart Figure 4 around the ringpost, working on Orton's injured leg.

834 - Punk blocks Orton's finisher, the RKO, then jumps off the top rope into one for the loss. I know it seems like I didn't write much about that match, and that would be because it was incredibly slow and boring.

837 - Now we get a Pee Wee Herman sketch. Are you fucking kidding me?

840 - That's followed by the introduction of this year's Hall of Fame class. Abdullah the Butcher can't walk without a cane, Sunny looks damn good for a coke whore 15 years past her prime, Hacksaw Jim Duggan's 2x4 has a bowtie on, and HBK gets a separate introduction from everyone else.

846 - Booker T and Good Ol' JR come out to call the Cole vs. Lawler match. I think there's only 4 matches left. 5 assuming they still have the US title match between Sheamus and Daniel Bryan, which probably should've opened the show.

847 - Cole is wearing an orange wrestling outfit, headgear included, and talks himself to the ring in lieu of entrance music.

851 - Stone Cold rides out on an ATV to referee the match, almost running over Cole's manager Jack Swagger in the process.

853 - Michael Cole has more tattoos than I do. That is a situation that needs to be remedied.

859 - Swagger interferes on Cole's behalf.
Booker T:"I thought this was gonna be a one on one match!"
Josh Matthews:"You did?"

903 - I can't believe this match has gone on ten times longer than the 8 man tag match.

905 - There is a guy in the front row wearing an old school Pete Maravich Hawks jersey. I am jealous.

906 - Stunner! to Jack Swagger. Booker T:"That's my dawg!!"

909 - Swagger cradles Cole in his arms like a newborn as he carries him to the back.

910 - Booker T gets in the ring to celebrate Lawler's victory with a Spineroonie and eats a Stunner! as a result.

913 - An email from the anonymous Raw General Manager disqualifies Lawler due to Stone Cold's interference and gives Cole the win. Reading said email earns Josh Matthews a Stunner! for his troubles and leaves us with JR and Lawler announcing the rest of the show.

918 - Undertaker vs. Triple H is next. I wonder if the US title match got bounced off the show.

921 - The Undertaker debuted in the WWF 20.5 years ago. I can still remember watching the scrambled PPV when it happened. My 8 year old self would be very impressed with the fact that I can now afford to actually pay to watch the PPVs unscrambled.

922 - "For Whom the Bell Tolls" starts playing. Fucking awesome.

924 - Triple H with the entrance of the night so far. Guys in shields and viking outfits formed a phalanx at the top of the stage, parting to show him dressed as Hunter the Barbarian, as Metallica segwayed into his regular entrance music.

926 - 4 minutes for Triple H's entrance. The combined entrances might be longer than the actual match here.

927 - Undertaker's entrance starts, as he sllllllllooooooooowwwwwwwwlllllllllyyyyy makes his way down to the ring to Johnny Cash's "Ain't No Grave Can Hold My Body Down." Excellent choice.

931 - 4 minutes for Taker's entrance. The match still hasn't started yet though.

932 - And the match finally gets under way.

933 - Undertaker dismantles the Spanish announce table, but Triple H comes to and spears him through Michael Cole's protective cubicle, which Undertaker no sells.

936 - Undertaker backdrops Triple H off the announce table to the floor. Doesn't sound that bad till you realize Taker is a legit 6'10, and the announce table is at least 4 feet off the floor. Ouch.

938 - Undertaker with the suicide dive over the top rope. I'm amazed the guy can even still walk, let alone pull that off.

940 - Undertaker goes running at Triple H who turns that into a spinebuster through the Spanish announce table. Vaya con dios!

946 - The crowd breaks out into dueling "Un-der-tak-er!" and "Triple H!" chants

951 - The past ten minutes of this match have basically been finisher-kickout-rest-finisher-kickout-rest.

953 - JR just nominated the steel chair in this match for the Hall of Fame.

958 - Triple H hits the tombstone on the Undertaker after 3 pedigrees and 10 chairshots and the Undertaker still kicks out.

959 - Triple H grabs the sledgehammer from under the ring.

1001 - Undertaker counters the sledgehammer into the "Hell's Gate"(?) chokehold and Triple H taps out after 2 solid minutes.

1006 - They still haven't left the ring. We have less than an hour of pay per view left for 3 matches.

1009 - The Undertaker gets a stretcher to take him back to the locker room.

1011 - The 6 person tag match is next, with John Morrison, Trish Stratus, and Snooki vs. Dolph Ziggler and LayCool. I'm betting the US title match doesn't happen.

1015 - I like how they announce Snooki as being from "Jersey Shore". Not "the Jersey Shore", just "Jersey Shore". She's from Poughkeepsie, btw. JR just complimented her on her low center of gravity.

1017 - Lawler:"When you're as pretty as Michelle is you don't like to be dropped on your face"
JR:"When you're as ugly as I am you don't like to be dropped on your face either"

1018 - Morrison with a holy shit corkscrew moonsault off the top rope to the floor. The Prince of Parkour lives up to his name.

1019 - Speaking of holy shit, after wrestling the whole match, Trish Stratus tagged in Snooki, who did a cartwheel into a backspring and pinned . . . one of the hot chicks. I haven't seen a fat person with moves like that since Chris Farley died.

1024 - Looks like the US title match got bumped to the preshow as the crew is setting up for the Miz vs. John Cena main event. Dagger.

1025 - The Miz gets an intro video set to "Hate Me Now" by Nas that is fittingly awesome. I really hope he wins this match.

1028 - Cena gets a gospel choir singing the opening to his intro, followed by DMX claiming "This is why we pray." I really hope Miz wins this match.

1035 - The match finally begins. I really hope Miz wins.

1038 - Pete Maravich switched to a Cavs jersey with #23 covered up in black tape for the main event. I guess he's a Miz fan.

1041 - Cena's arms are gigantic. He makes Miz look like a high school kid.

1045 - God, this match is boring.

1047 - Down goes the ref. Miz's protege Alex Riley hits Cena with a briefcase but still the ref only counts to 2 when he regains consciousness.

1050 - Cena and Miz fight out into the crowd and we get a double count out.

1053 - The Rock comes out and declares there must be a winner, so the match resumes under no DQ rules.

1055 - Rock with the Rockbottom to Cena and Miz wins!

1057 - The Rock hits the people's elbow on Miz to end the show in seriously rushed fashion.

Like I said, I rarely watch wrestling anymore, and this show won't do anything to change that. I get that Rock is one of the all time greats, but I really question ending the show with him standing tall over your champion and the number one draw when you have no idea if he's gonna stick around or not. Other than that, Undertaker/Triple H and Edge/Del Rio were probably the only high points of the show. Maybe I'm just getting too old for this stuff. I guess we'll find out next year.

iTunes report - 2 years and 1 computer later

2011-04-04T15:47:00.003-04:00

Number of Songs: 4,509
Duration of Library: 12.1 Days
Most Recently Played Song: “Call Me" - Blondie
Most Played Song: "Black Sheep" - Metric
Most Recently Added Album: Endgame - Rise Against
First Song Alphabetically: “A-Punk" - Vampire Weekend
Last Song Alphabetically: “The Zoo" - Bruce Dickinson
Smallest Song Numerically: “#1" - Nelly
Largest Song Numerically: “10001110101" - Clutch

Shortest Song: "Bah, I'd Like to Speak to a Representative" - Jurgen (0:08)
Longest Song: “Crazy Game of Poker (live)" - O.A.R. (17:21)

First Album Alphabetically: Absolute Power - Tech9ne
Last Album Alphabetically: Zoolander Original Motion Picture Soundtrack
First Band Alphabetically: A-ha
Last Band Alphabetically: ZZ Top
Smallest Band Numerically: .38 Special
Largest Band Numerically: 10,000 Maniacs

Grammys Live Blog

2011-02-13T19:24:00.002-05:00

Bit of a last minute deal, but we are long overdue for one of these. So here goes nothing:

Grammys Live Blog

Wrestle March Mania Madness

2010-03-28T17:19:00.004-04:00

As those of you who follow this site know, the WrestleMania Running Diary has been a tradition dating back to the site's early days. The past few years, I've watched at BWW, since it is much less expensive than ordering it myself. Now however, thanks to the advancement of technology, it is (theoretically) possible to watch online, thanks to the help of Channelsurfing.net. So in place of the WrestleMania Running Diary, I give you the WrestleMania/March Madness live blog. Please to enjoy:

March Wrestle Madness Mania

Code Beth

2010-03-28T12:48:00.005-04:00

Those of us who enjoy alcohol can, on occasion, go a little overboard. Sometimes we manage to take control of the situation and end the night without incident. Then there are occasions when other urges take over, and we wind up hooking up with a less than attractive chick. If you go out to bars its happened to you at one time or another. And its happened to some of us so many times, we actually have a name for it.

One such occasion took place after last year's booze cruise. We all stumbled into Landsdowne afterwards, which happened to be filled with chicks on this night for some reason. Much of what took place was a haze, but I seem to remember that they were all really into us. One girl, Beth, seemed to be really into Mar in particular. This despite the fact that their conversation consisted entirely of him saying "How's Abby?" over and over again. She got really upset when Mar left to "talk" to another chick at the bar, and decided to chat with me instead.

Even as drunk as I was I could see where this was going to go. She was giving off "Fuck Me" vibes so bad even Helen Keller could've picked them up. This chick was desperate to hook up. Since I'm a gentleman, I did my best to try and excuse myself from the conversation without hurting her feelings. This consisted of me yelling across the bar at Rick "We gotta go!" over and over again. It did not take her long to pick up on this, asking "Why do you keep telling him that?" I leaned in to tell her it was because I had to work early the next day, and the next thing I knew we were full on making out in the middle of the bar. Stupid alcohol.

Now, this girl was not horribly unattractive or anything, but I could definitely do better. So its unfortunate that this situation has to bear her name, but if it makes it easier to explain to my friends why we have to leave a bar and call it a night, then so be it.

Selection Sunday Live Blog

2010-03-14T15:57:00.000-04:00

Selection Sunday Live Blog

Rich Uncle JMac's Karaoke Birthday Extravaganza

2010-02-15T12:12:00.016-05:00

2003 was the year myself and a number of my friends celebrated our 21st birthdays. If you've read any of the other stories on this site, then you can imagine what a disaster that must have been. Poppers was the first gentlemen to celebrate, and by all accounts it was a tremendous shitshow. So disasterous were the events that transpired, that all other birthdays were confined to much smaller groups with much less booze involved. I didn't make it to Poppers' birthday party.

Seven years later, we are much older, and in theory much wiser, yet our affinity for booze and shenanigans has not waned a bit. So when JMac declared his desire to have a karaoke party in the city for his birthday on Saturday February 13th, it was not something any gentleman wanted to pass up. First up was the matter of everyone getting into the city.

In an unplanned bit of fortuity, I had taken Friday and Saturday off to attend Sweetfiend's birthday party Friday night in Trenton. My plan was originally to drive into the city at some point on Saturday afternoon and park in a garage somewhere central to the evening's events. This changed once I realized the evening's events were scattered throughout the city, as the karaoke place was in the 40s, yet the evening would be starting at JMac's ladyfriend's in the 80s. I should point out that normally this would not be a problem, as Rick's apartment would have served as home base, however Rick is in Vancouver for the whole month working the Olympics. So I started looking around for alternate means of transportation.

As luck would have it Dmo was planning to attend a Maryland game watch at 1pm with Jim$ and Eddie O and their significant others. However since he wasn't planning to spend the night and I was, I needed to find another way to get home. Since I knew Joyce was heading in as well. I called him to see if he could drive me home Sunday.

This proved to be quite the exercise in uselessness, as Joyce was taking the train in Friday to meet up with his ladyfriend. After a twenty minute conversation in which I attempted to explain to him numerous times I had a ride in and did not need to take the train while all along he repeated, "Yeah, you should take the train in," I eventually decided I'd figure out how to get home when the time came. When I relayed the details of the conversation to Dmo, he figured it would make more sense for him to take the train, because that would mean he wouldn't have to stop boozing at any point to drive home. So we set up a tentative plan to take the 1019 from Pearl River to Penn Station, which would leave plenty of time to get to the game watch. Clearly, since plans and gentlemen go together like oil and sulfuric acid, this did not happen.

Sweetfiend's party was a great time, if more mellow than any gentlemanly gatherings. There were no chairshots, and no one went through any walls. Also, we only stayed up till 2 playing Rock Band, not 530. Still, this was late enough for me to not wake up in time to make the 1019, so I had to settle for the 1142 from Nanuet. This put me at Penn Station at 1230, leaving me plenty of time to walk the ten or so blocks to the bar where the game watch was taking place, The Hill on 30th and 3rd.

When I arrived at the bar, I was greeted by Dmo, who had a beverage waiting for me. I'm not sure how long everyone had been there at this point but the ladies were seated at a table right near the entrance that had at least two half full pitchers of beer on it. Trustey arrived shortly after the game started, with a girl that I described at the time as looking like she had been hit in the face with a frying pan. Looking back that description might have been too kind. Though in all fairness, she did have a great personality.

Shortly after Trustey showed up, in a moment of great prescience, I emailed the CoG: "This is going to get very ugly very quickly. I hope I can still stand up by the time karaoke comes around." Little did I know it was not me whose dexterity would be the problem.

The Maryland game started at 1, and as luck would have it Villanova was playing at 2. I texted Joyce to see where he was watching the game and it turned out he was only a few blocks away. I told him we would head over there after the MD game, as that was the plan at the time. However, things changed once Maryland finished getting their asses kicked.

The majority of the Maryland boosters filed out of the bar, yet Peg and Jenn were in no mood to leave. An already tipsy Ole Mel wanted to stick around and hang out with them, and since Dmo is a gentleman, he agreed to stay as well. I told Joyce to come meet us at the Hill, but since he is retarded he did not return my texts. Around this point Jim$ and Trustey disappeared to head over to McFadden's, and that's when things started to get really sloppy.

Peg decided to give the other two ladies lessons on how to chug. In theory, not such a bad idea, but in reality the numbers add up to a much different story. Peg is about 5'7 and can handle her booze. Neither Jenn or Ole Mel is more than 5'4 and they cannot. Within a matter of moments Jenn was stumbling around the bar and bumping into chairs. I was afraid she was going to hurt herself every time she went to sit down so at several points I literally had to pick her up and sit her in a chair. Peg finally realized that maybe she should not be drinking anymore and got her a pint of water, which Jenn proceeded to knock over while drunkenly flailing her arms around. Around then is when this conversation happened via GentleBBM:

Ostrowe: You know its a bad sign when Peg is the most sober female in the group
Dmo: No rumor
Jim$: Are u still there?
Do not let jenn drink anymore
Ostrowe: Yes
Peg has her chugging water
Dmo: Bah. Jenn loves the booze
Jim$: Dmo watch out for her
Ostrowe: Dmo is the one trying to get her to drink more beer
He's the Jim Nantz of instigators
Dmo: Lies
Jim$: I would be joyce for Jim Nantz
Ostrowe: Jim$ where are you
Jim$: I will be back shortly
looking at a bar
Ostrowe: Once again Joyce proves how goddamned useless he is by not answering his fucking phone
Rick: New years resolution
Ostrowe: I can't hurt him if i can't find him

Sometime in the middle of the above conversation, Ole Mel reached Parsippany stage, and randomly started bawling. Dmo was thrilled about this because it meant he got to take her home and didn't have to stick around for karaoke. Peg and Eddie O also decided to leave at this point but I convinced them to watch Jenn long enough for me to call Jim$ and have the following conversation:

Ostrowe: "Where the hell are you, everyone else is leaving"
Jim$: "I'm at McFadden's on 42nd and 2nd. You can either bring Jenn here and I will buy you drinks, or you can stay there and I will buy you drinks but it will take me about 20 minutes to get there."
Ostrowe: "She can't even stand up right now there's no way I'm going to be able to get her to walk 12 blocks."
Jim$: "I will be there in 20 minutes"

I went back in to tell this to Eddie O and Peg, which cause Eddie O to respond, "Jim$ 20 minutes could be about two hours." So I sent a status update to the gentlemen of GentleBBM:

"I'm slightly buzzed at the most. Dmo is on his way home with Ole Mel. Jenn can barely stand up. And Peg just fell over backwards in a chair. I have no idea how to get to beyonce's from here and Joyce is on his way to Asia. aka Kiwi's. So overall I would say its about what you would expect." (Ed. note - Beyonce is JMac's ladyfriend)

Peg and Eddie O thankfully stuck around until Jim$ returned with Trustey while we figured out what to do. At this point it was around 530, still a full 4.5 hours before JMac's party. I did not want to continue boozing, yet Jim$, Jenn and Trustey showed no signs of wanting to stop, and the drunker they got the more intent they were on making it to karaoke. Since I couldn't get a hold of Joyce and there was no way I was bringing a drunken entourage to Beyonce's apartment, when someone suggested going to Brother Jimmy's BBQ for dinner a few blocks away I jumped at the suggestion.

The walk over to Bro J's was interesting in and of itself, consisting of Jenn attempting to call all of her relatives while at the same time asking me if I've ever met her hot friend Heather, and also Trustey attempting to smash my head in with a block of ice he found on the sidewalk. It was to my dismay when we got to Brother Jimmy's that Jim$ completely bypassed the line for tables and walked up to the bar to order a fishbowl full of God knows what. That was the last thing this group needed. All I wanted to do was sit down and eat. Until I saw an extremely tall, very attractive chick wearing viking boots standing by the stairs. Trustey managed to facilitate a conversation with her, which was quickly ruined when Jim$ came over and dragged me to an empty table that was not ours. Eventually we managed to get a table for four, with a waitress and everything, even though Jenn kept getting up every 2 minutes because, "I wanna dance!!!!" Still, somehow Jim$ managed to get the waitress to take his order before anyone else got a chance to look at the menu.

The waitress managed to come back and get Trustey and my orders, and we put in for some fried pickle and fried tomato appetizers as well. It was around this time I received some disturbing news from Dmo, via BBM.

Dmo: Where u at?
Ostrowe: Brother jimmy's
Dmo: Okay. we're coming. I hate drunk chicks.
Ostrowe: Me too
Dmo: Bah. we r on our way back
I'm going to murder ole mel
Ostrowe: I'm going to murder everyone else so its all good
Dude I give up
Dmo: Bah. Me too
Ostrowe: I'm eating dinner and then going to beyonce's
Jenn just got up ffrom the table to go dance and trustey went with her

Once Dmo and Ole Mel arrived things predictably went from bad to worse. Ole Mel sat down with her makeup smeared all over her face from her crying and proceeded to eat Jim$ sandwich. Once the fried pickles arrived I tried to get Jenn to eat some so she would sober up but she took a bite out of one, grabbed it out of her mouth and threw it back in the basket because it was too hot. Jim$ disappeared and came back to the table with another fucking fishbowl. And Trustey kept getting yelled at by the waitstaff because we now had five people sitting at the table and his seat was blocking the aisle. Then Ole Mel went nuclear.

She started loudly mumbling over and over again, "He doesn't let me do anything. I'm not allowed to have any fun," while Trustey and I sat there incredulous. Then she started saying Dmo was a homosexual, and that he would rather have sex with me, Jim$ and Trustey than her. I tried to explain to her, "I think you're wrong. He would rather have sex with you, but he would rather hang out with me, Jim$ and Trustey and I don't blame him," but I might as well have been speaking Spanish to her at this point. Convinced that Dmo was a raging asshole despite everyone else telling her the opposite, Ole Mel decided to get up and storm out of the restaurant. No one bothered to stop her, though after ten minutes of internal debate Trustey decided to go out looking for her. He came back alone.

Around this point the bouncer came over to our table and told us we had to calm down, as Brother Jimmy's is a family establishment and there were kids sitting at the next table. I took this as a sign that it was time to get the check. When Jim$ realized this he screamed at me in horror, and once I tried to pay, he yanked the check out of my hand and decided to pay it all himself. While this was going on I came up with the brilliant plan to try and round everyone up and get them to the karaoke place early, so they would all be spent by the time JMac's party, which was still 3 hours away at this point rolled around. Again, great in theory, but poor in execution. I have to give much credit to Rick here, as I have no idea how he has the patience to round everyone up when we're like this. Granted, the fact that I had also been drinking all day let to my shortness, but I eventually got fed up and peaced out, sprinting a block and a half away and jumping in a cab to Beyonce's. I figured things would be in better shape there, little did I know I was stepping out of the frying pan and into the fire.

I got out of the cab and was greeted by a chorus of cheers from Beyonce's second floor window, as the gang was all there and ready to party. As interesting as my day was, Joyce's was moreso. Needless to say, he was no longer with the ladyfriend, and was drinking with a purpose. Not long after I arrived we all filed into cabs and headed back to the very same Brother Jimmy's I had just left to pregame before karaoke. Luckily Jim$ and crew had vacated the premises, heading to the karaoke place early as I had planned. The only difference is they went to the wrong karaoke place. Jim$ was very concerned about being tardy to the party, but they actually never made it, which is probably best for everyone involved.

After my cab, consisting of me, Jesse and JChode, took a detour to the wrong Brother Jimmy's, we got about 2 minutes of pregaming in before we had to go. Which was great seeing as everyone had just ordered drinks. Beyonce's roommate, GatorBaiter, had a great remedy, which consisted of passing drinks back and forth between her, myself and Joyce. So we hastily made our way to Karaoke Duets on 48th and 2nd. Everything was going quite well up to this point.

From the minute we got there Rich Uncle JMac did not set down the microphone. We dueted on both "White Houses" and "I Want It That Way", video of which you can see right here.

Karaoke itself was basically a controlled chaos, at least moreso than the post game watch fiasco. Joyce was in rare form, breaking out all manner of pushups, dance and otherwise. My favorite was when he balanced himself on three of the ottomans and did them that way. GatorBaiter must've enjoyed it as well, as she was quite receptive to the little guy's attempts to get over his recent discomfiture.

Unfortunately for the LG, the days events had spiraled into a Perfect Situation, and mere moments after the above picture was taken, he was slumped over on the couch with his head in his hands. When I went over to check on him, all he could say was "I dont feel good, iwannagohome." I carried him outside to get some fresh air, and he tried throwing up, but nothing was coming out. I managed to get him into the bathroom in an attempt to clean up, but he just locked himself in the stall and only agreed to come out 10 minutes later after Murph, Rick's ladyfriend and I brought him back outside for more air. Amidst his declaring his desire to go home, he did manage to ask for his jacket, and I slipped the bouncer $20 to look after him so we could go back inside.

Once we got back in, we had to convince GatorBaiter not to go out and check on him, as that probably would have ruined whatever shot he had left. So everything was going well until a couple of songs later, when one of the karaoke people came in and told me, "Your friend is-a reaving," at which point I looked at Murph and said, "Your turn," and he left to go look for him. We found out the next morning that he found him in the back of a cab on the way to Beyonce's, which I guess was the home he was looking for. GatorBaiter left shortly after, allegedly to let them in but speculation was rampant that she was winded and just wanted to go home.

The rest of the night was uneventful, save for JChode's awful rap skills, and the end of the night, when Beyonce practically had to drag everyone out of the room. I was supposed to leave with Rick's ladyfriend, but my phone was died, so I decided to head back with Beyonce. First there was the little matter of paying the bill, which after several hours at $8.50 per person came to a whopping total of $529.86. Now, this would not have been so bad had people left the right amount of money when they left, but of course this was not the case. I threw down $100, several others gave what they could, and Beyonce threw the rest on her credit card. I hopped in a cab with the two of them and headed back to her place to call it a night.

This posed a problem, as when we got back, Murph and Joyce were passed out on the air mattress in the living room, and Beyonce and GatorBaiter's mormon roommate had a rando friend sleeping on the couch. So I got to sleep on the hardwood floor next to the ancient radiator, but not before I heard JMac exclaim from Beyonce's room in the gravest of tones, "Oh no! I spilled water on the bed! Beyonce's gonna hate me!"

The night's sleep was what you would expect, as I woke up every hour with shooting pains in my hip and had to switch sides so the pain was evenly distributed. The highlight took place around 6am when Joyce bolted upright from the air mattress panicked as all hell and yelled "Where the hell am I??" before I told him to calm the fuck down, we were at Beyonce's, and he proceeded to do his best imitation of A-ha's video for "Take On Me" walking down the hallway to the bathroom.

We woke for good at 9, and Joyce and I took off to retrieve his stuff from his now former ladyfriend's. After we returned, we all went out to breakfast, save for JMac, who may as well have been on my couch for the shape he was in, and the Mormon roommate and his rando friend, who went off to church to likely bathe in holy water after spending the night sharing the apartment with the likes of us.

Breakfast was quite gentleman and womanly, as we discussed the merits of jelly vs. marmalade, Beyonce worried that the rando on the couch was a potential Daryl, and we learned about the history of Challah bread from GatorBaiter.

Joyce: "What's Challah bread?"
Waitress: "Its like a thick white bread."
GatorBaitor: "You wouldn't make a very good Jewish boy"
Ostrowe: "How are we supposed to know that, there's no one Jewish at this table."
GatorBaitor: "I am."
Ostrowe: "What? No you're not, there's no Jewish people in the South."

From here we went to a discussion of bar and bat mitzvahs, as we tried to explain to GatorBaiter the nature of Rockland, at which point our waitress overheard and joined the discussion, as she was a New City native. I must confess that I knew this when I saw her, as I recognized her from my long ago days at Deer Mountain Day Camp. She had a face that was pretty hard to forget, in much the same way I would imagine it would be hard to forget seeing a shotgun wound to the neck in person.

After breakfast Joyce and I departed for Rockland, wisely passing up the 1pm Rangers game at the Garden and taking the train to Nanuet via SEA caucus. We put the exclamation point on the weekend's events with a trip to White Castle, and the subsequent rush to get to my house before I vomited White Castle all over the little guy's car. Though the year is still young, I cannot possibly imagine this weekend being topped. But I'm sure that won't stop us from trying. I think this picture of a pensive Joyce sums up everything.

May the God bless you all, forever.

Texts from New Year's

2010-01-06T22:50:00.003-05:00

I was going through my phone and came across a conversation with Sweetfiend that I had on New Year's Eve that I had almost no recollection of. It made me lol. Please to enjoy.

Sweetfiend: Happy New Year!
Ostrowe: You are 3 minutes early
Sweetfiend: Lol I was worried about service
Sweetfiend: How are you feeling?
Ostrowe: I am drunk!? You?
Sweetfiend: Me too. Someone threw cxonfetti at Peg's and she is angry
Ostrowe: Peg is orbrrry. (Ed. note - that was supposed to say "ornery". Stupid Blackberry.) I am awesome at rock band
Sweetfiend: Selena Gomez is singign. Don't you love her?
Sweetfiend: Let's play rock band (Ed. - She was in Queens and I was in Stamford, CT)
Ostrowe: Lol I do love selena gomez. (Ed. - The age of consent in NY is 17. Only 16 in CT!!!) How do you know that?
Sweetfiend: I am a twittwer stalkrer
Ostrowe: I am the greatest rock band singer of all time
Sweetfiend: Lies. I am
Ostrowe: Omg I seriosly doubt that
Ostrowe: I am the greatest man that ever lived. I was born to give
Sweetfiend: I'm a troblemaker
Sweetfiend: Never been a faker
Ostrowe: Lol if you're wondering if I want you to, I want you to
Ostrowe: I'm a do the things that I wanna do, I don't give a damn what I say to you
Sweetfiend: I eat my candy with the pork and beans
Ostrowe: You try to play it cool like you just don't care but soon I'll be playing in your underwear
Ostrowe: I'm like a mage with the magic spell you come like a dog when I ring your bell
Sweetfiend: I downloaded the weezwer pack to my rock band
Ostrowe: Wealthy!
Sweetfiend: Do you know Trustey?
Ostrowe: Yes why?
Sweetfiend: He is currentlu debating whether to fuck a
Sweetfiend: Ariel with a fish face and vagina
Sweetfiend: Or girl face and fins
Ostrowe: Lol sounds like trusty
Sweetfiend: Wha( do you choosre?
Ostrowe: I am a lead singer. Question?
Sweetfiend: Lol the questions is perfect vagina with fish head, or perfect girl with trout vagina
Ostrowe: Its all hips and nips
Ostrowe: I have the voice of an angel
Ostrowe: We are playing for Eddie o's shiny pants

Wrestlemania 25 Running Diary

2009-11-24T16:37:00.005-05:00

Wrestlemania 25, the 25th grandaddy of them all, took place on April 6, 2009. Unfortunately, life and things got in the way of my posting the running diary until now. I watched this years grandaddy at Buffalo Wild Wings, much the same as last year. Though this year, instead of Anfron I was accompanied by my girlfriend at the time "Sleeping Beauty". So I present to you, after much delay, the Wrestlemania 25 Running Diary.

704pm - We arrive at Buffalo Wild Wings in the midst of the Money in the Bank intros. This looks to be an awful Money in the Bank match, as the participants so far consist of Mark Henry, Finlay, MVP, Shelton Benjamin of course, and Kofi Kingston.

711 - CHRISTIAN!!! I didn't even know he was back with WWE.

712 - KANE (note - these notes are almost 8 months old, I have no idea why I chose to write Kane's name in all CAPS)

713 - CM Punk is there as well. He's moved up quite a bit since last year.

714 - I ordered wings about 90 seconds ago and they are already here; so much for the running diary of this match.

733 - I went to Wrestlemania and a Kid Rock concert broke out. He's looking a little like Sawyer from lost. I have no idea why he's performing at Wrestlemania. I haven't heard "Bawitdaba" in years.

737 - Sleeping Beauty refuses to believe Rick is Puerto Rican.
"He's too nice."

739 - Wild Wings is getting restless. Not a lot of Kid Rock fans in the crowd.

742 - Oh, ok. Kid Rock was there to kick off the 25 Diva Battle Royal.

743 - SB tries to compare women's wrestling to women's basketball. (not sure what she was trying to say, I can only assume it had something to do with the inverse correlation between actual athletic ability and physical attractiveness)

744 - Someone's going to pop an implant.

745 - Someone horribly botches a Frankensteiner.

748 - I don't think Mickie James went over the top there.

749 - The match is won by Santino wearing a wig and a dress. They should just have the show be 4 hours of him, he's the most entertaining thing they've got.

752 - Up next is a handicap match featuring Chris Jericho vs. "Rowdy" Roddy Piper, "Superfly" Jimmy Snuka, and Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat. It was originally supposed to be Jericho vs. Mickey Rourke until Rourke's PR people decided they didn't want him wrestling. Rourke is there anyway. Personally, I'd have rather seen Jericho take on Rourke over three guys old enough to be my father.

755 - I need to stop drinking Jack, I forgot what I was gonna write. Oh yeah, Rourke looks about as thrilled to be there as he was at the opening night of "Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man"

759 - Steamboat is the only one of the old guys in good shape and he's been retired for ten years.
The guy next to me refers to Piper as "Rowdy Roddy Paunchy"

802 - Nachos! Surprisingly Steamboat looks like he can still go. Hope he doesn't get any ideas.

807 - BWW erupts into a chorus of boos for Jericho's win.

813 - Rourke and Jericho face off in the ring.
Guy next to me:"Let's see you tame that lion, Jericho". He officially needs to settle down.

814 - The face-off ends with Rourke "knocking Jericho out" with a punch. The lack of Ram Jam only adds to the lameness of this event.

820 - Matt Hardy's entrance music gets a 5 star rating on my iTunes ("Live for the Moment" by Monster Magnet)

823 - Jeff Hardy's body paint makes it look like Grimace jizzed all over his face.

824 - The rare but effective midair steel chair shot to the ass.

825 - Shop vac violence!

830 - The Braves are up 4-0 in the second and Pupino has Brett Myers on his fantasy team. Too bad he's not here watching this.

831 - A very hirsute Dick Enberg and Billy Packer are interviewing a very alive Al McGuire on ESPN Classic.

835 - Jeff Hardy leapfrogs over a huge ladder and hits nothing but ring; Matt responds with a chair assisted twist of fate for the win and more Monster Magnet.

841 - JBL vs. Rey Mysterio; this match is going to be awful.

842 - Rey comes out in a Heath Ledger Joker costume. Really Rey? Really?

845 - SB: "I hate JBL. He needs to work out his core."

846 - A "Benoit @ Summerslam"-esque victory for Rey

849 - JBL would like to say "You're welcome, America." And also, he quits.

851 - I'm so winded.

852 - This HBK vs. Undertaker video is not going to keep me awake.

854 - I forgot how awesome that HBK vs. Kurt Angle match from a few years ago was. So I guess this video is doing its job.

855 - I have a hard time getting excited for a match involving two guys old enough to be my dad.

856 - HBK is being lowered to the ring on a tower.

9pm - Taker's entrance starts; he's coming up from hell (aka beneath the stage). Nice contrast between the two there.

901 - Good Ol' JR is helpful enough to point out what I just wrote to those watching who were unable to grasp what was going on.

903 - Taker finally gets to the ring.

904 - The match gets under way.

906 - HBK goes old school with the DX chop.

907 - Taker gives HBK a wedgie during a press slam.

908 - There is a question on NTN asking what a Berserker was; shitty early 90s wrestler is not one of the answers.

914 - I can't believe I'm 27 years old and the Undertaker is still wrestling.

916 - The two old men pull off an awful wrestling sequence.

917 - HBK misses a moonsault from the top rope to the floor. Ouch. I think he broke a hip.

919 - Taker hits the cameraman with a suicide dive.

921 - It looks like HBK is trying to date rape the ref.

922 - The Undertaker makes it back to the ring at 9 while HBK is tuning up the band.

925 - BWW is riled up for the finish of this match.

928 - HBK kicks out of the tombstone! WTF?!

935 - The Undertaker wins the match by reversing an attempted HBK moonsault into a tombstone. While it was not a great match technically, the crowd got so involved over the last ten minutes that it definitely puts it up there as far as classics go.

938 - Wow, Holyfield is still alive. I wonder if he can even spell HBK at this point.

941 - Why is Vickie Guerrero making out with Big Show? and why is it on television?

945 - A guy at the bar asks who I write for, I am too retarded to respond "Gentlemanly Productions"

946 - An army of Cena clones makes their way out to ringside.

952 - I just ordered chili queso fries; I immediately regret this decision.

955 - I'm not even watching this match. Big letdown after HBK vs. Undertaker.

958 - How long has Michael Cole been here? He must've said three words all night.

10pm - SleepingBeauty thinks Big Show looks like Shrek; I can't really disagree.

1004 - The champ is here!

1005 - Now the champ is in the crowd.

1008 - SleepingBeauty is marking the date of next year's Wrestlemania in her calendar because she wants to go.

1012 - Huge "Kike" sign in the audience during Stone Cold Steve Austin's beerfest

1014 - Stone Cold's celebration may be going on longer than Undertaker's entrance.

1016 - The IT guy from SleepingBeauty's office just sat down next to us. He looks like a creepier, more molesty Taylor Hicks. He then awkwardly tries to hit on Paulina as she rolls her eyes at him. He does not make me proud.

1020 - Apparently in the buildup to the Randy Orton vs. HHH main event, Orton DDTed Stephanie McMahon and then kissed her while HHH was tied up. He then tied her to the train tracks while twirling his mustache.

1023 - Orton's new entrance music sucks. Bring back Mercy Drive!

1029 - The BWW crowd loves HHH.

1030 - Next time someone asks me who I write for I'm making something up.

1032 - RKO out of nowhere. Of course, no pin attempt. Followed by a Pedigree! What the hell is this???

1033 - HHH steals someone's water.

1034 - Former Dallas Maverick Jim Jackson & Dave Revsine are in Detroit for some channel. I'm guessing ESPN Classic.

1035 - JR: "HHH is not a man who makes idle promises." If you say so.

1036 - Dave Revsine only has to wear one goggle when he goes swimming in HIS POOL! It was Big Ten Network for anyone interested.

1041 - This match is soooo boring.

1044 - Very nice dropkick by Orton.

1046 - A guy behind me randomly yells out "Spanish announce table!!" I'm not the only one getting a little punchy here.

1049 - I'm running out of pages in my notebook. This match better end soon.

1054 - HHH wins; weak ending.

Since as I mentioned above, we're now several months removed from the event, nothing really sticks out as memorable aside from the Undertaker/Shawn Michaels match. Which I guess speaks volumes about the event itself. A sad display for year 25. Maybe I'm just getting too old for this shit. I guess we'll find out next April.

Rise Against @ Roseland 7/26/09 - The Running Diary

2009-07-27T20:51:00.008-04:00

On July 26, 2009, several gentlemen converged on the city to see Rise Against, quite possibly the greatest punk band going today. What follows is a recap of the day's events.

1053AM - Anfron asks me to drive him to Joyce's house so we can all depart from there. He's a gentleman.

119PM - Practically trembling with anticipation, I realize I'm going to be way too excited to keep this going. I'm more fidgety than Joyce and I haven't even left the house yet.

150 - After picking up Anfron and getting into a conversation about spending Easter with our respective ladyfriends, Anfron responds, "Wait, Easter hasn't happened yet."

213 - Sitting at Joyce's watching Game 7 of the '94 Stanley Cup Finals on MSG. I probably watch MSG once in a blue moon, yet every time I do, this game is on.

215 - Probably a bad sign I almost started screaming at Richter to get back in the goal. Apparently I forgot this game took place 15 years ago.

223 - After departing Joyce Manor @ Frenchman's Creek, Joyce's DJing in the car gets in the way of his driving.

228 - Flatulence.

258 - Happy everyday at the Intrepid.

302 - Joyce spies a faux Hulk Hogan at the corner of 40th and 9th, brother.

305 - I've said it before and I'll say it again, there are no titties like NYC titties. Glorious.

308 - We drive past Guttenberg Park, a monument from Rick and my failed attempt to participate in the World Series of Pop Culture. Stupid Flan LeBatard.

309 - Joyce rolls down the window to ask a woman unloading a car if she is leaving. She angrily responds, "There's a pump here. You can't park here." Bitch.

320 - We're still driving around looking for parking, and Jim$ is still a gentleman.

323 - We finally give up looking for a spot on the street and park in a garage on 49th and 8th. I make a point of putting it in the running diary because I'm sure we will forget later.

325 - Anfron lights up as soon as we leave the garage; the ETA of the running diary's demise is set at my fourth beer.

337 - Landsdown is to NYC what Walsh's was to Nyack; a safehaven for gentleman in a vast wasteland of douchetasticness. As if to further this point, on weekends they serve brunch from 11am-4pm.

347 - JMac and his roommate Mark just got on the train in Stamford. The concert is not until 7, which should leave them plenty of time to get here, but this is us we are talking about so anything is possible.

411 - Brooklyn Lager is too heavy for Joyce and Anfron and they make the switch to Buddy C Light, the Gentlemen's Beverage of Choice.

412 - Anfron wants to order a single slider to help him schize before the concert.

418 - Perusing the menu at Landsdowne.
Joyce: "You should get the Rachel."
Ostrowe: "I believe Rick made that same joke when we came here after the booze cruise. And I believe I responded 'It wouldn't be the first time I'd eaten a Rachel'"
Joyce: "Aw, come on man!"

426 - A chorus of cheers erupts as Mexico scores on the US via penalty kick in a soccer match. Apparently Landsdowne has a huge Mexican contingent. Who knew.

448 - Our Buffalo Chicken pizza arrives, and Anfron takes the opportunity to serve Joyce before he serves himself. What a gentleman. He also pulled Joyce's seat out for him and opened the car door as well.

456 - Over/under for JMac's arrival set at 6pm. I wager heavily on the under.

501 - JMac and Mark arrive, as my imaginary bet pays off in spades.

508 - Let the record show that it took 7 minutes from their arrival to the arrival of our first tower of Bud Light.

509 - Joyce: "The beer needs to settle"
JMac: "You need to settle"

514 - "Math is confusing" - I have no idea what I wrote this in regards to. Probably discussing the amount of beers per tower, but a pretty true statement regardless of context.

516 - Joyce refers to me as a stenographer.

522 - Anfron still has to schize. Buffalo Chicken pizza was a bad choice.

524 - Anfron extolls the economic virtues of the kegerator: "You buy the beer in bulk and its always there and cold when you need it."

532 - Anfron swipes the running diary from me to record the following snippet of conversation (transcribed verbatim from Anfron's notes):
Mark: "You moved in wih Rachel!!??"
Ostrowe: "She moved into my house!!"

536 - JMac is still craving chicken nugget pizza

539 - Anfron attempts to schize in Landsdowne.

545 - Our new waitress is sassy: (to Mark) "You look like you're hungry"

549 - Faux Terry!

551 - Joyce:"That's Triatholon Terry"

555 - Tower #2

601 - Landsdowne's onion rings leave much to be desired.

604 - JMac: "You should've told the waitress, 'You look like you're gonna steal something.'"

605 - JMac suggests french dipping the onion rings. I follow his suggestion and it is delicious.

608 - JMac: "If a girl doesn't want to suck your cock just wrap it in bacon."
Ostrowe: "Unless she's Jewish. But if she's Jewish odds are she wants to suck your cock."

611 - The sky opens up. Good thing we only have a ten block walk to the concert.

618 - Its raining sideways!!

619 - Joyce likes it when it comes down hard; Mark wants to buy everyone shots of tequila

622 - Joyce texts everyone " ~@~ "

633 - There is a gay couple sitting behind us that keeps eyeing Anfron.

643 - JMac: "I gotta go to Chase"
Anfron: "Chase Abby?"

651 - We depart Landsdowne, Mark takes his shirt off, frightens women and children

653 - Stop at a convenience store to pick up energy drinks and Pepto Bismol. Mark almost leaves without paying. "Whoops."

655 - You know you're old when you do shots of Pepto before a concert.

658 - Anfron: "I wanna Abby on someone."

702 - JMac: "Would it be wrong to just grab a girl's tits?"
Ostrowe: "I'm pretty sure that's assault."

At this point my pen ran out of ink and I had to take to Twitter to post entries.

714 - Billy Talent is playing "The Ex" as soon as we walk in. Awesome. I ditch everyone else and go right up to the stage. After the song is over I can't find anyone and immediately regret the decision. I head downstairs and find Anfron emerging from the bathroom, where he just schized.

730 - Every Billy Talent song sounds exactly the same but they're all good so it doesn't matter.

739 - The battery on my phone is now running low, further jeopardizing the running diary.

745 - There's a lot of HUGE chicks here. Like Awesome Kong huge.

756 - T minus 1.5 drinks to Drunk Anfron.

809 - We lost Anfron. Rancid comes on shortly after.

829 - My pocket inadvertantly dials Anfron from the pit. JMac and I depart about 4 songs in and cross paths with Gary Coleman. I had no idea he was into punk.

832 - Joyce has a huge gash in his bottom lip thanks to an errant crowd surfer nailing him in the head. Its a jungle in there.

836 - Rancid is generic crappy punk rock. I wish we could leave and come back for Rise Against.

855 - JMac: "They've got Guy Fieri on guitar".
Anfron emerges from the pit unscathed.

After Rancid goes off we sneak up to the front so we can be next to the stage for Rise Against.

913 - Ladies and gentlemen, we have drunk Anfron. He hasn't said anything other than "how's Abby?" since coming back from yet another cigarette break.

915 - I was about to go apeshit on whoever was smoking in here, then I turned around and saw it was Anfron

I'm not sure what time they finally came on but I wanna say 930. From that point on it was basically an hour long mosh pit until they broke out the acoustic guitars for "Everchanging" and "Hero of War". They closed with "Give It All" and "Ready to Fall". It was an amazing set and they are an unbelievable live band. If you are a fan of live music at all you should definitely see them if you ever get the chance.

1104 - We walk outside into the pouring rain and I purchase a $5 umbrella from a street vendor. Wealthy.

1120 - After consulting the running diary to find out where we parked, Joyce leads us to 10th instead of 8th. Somehow we make it home in one piece.

If we had just spent the whole day boozing at Landsdowne it would've made for an awesome Sunday, but throw in a mindblowing concert on top of it and you have a truly gentlemanly experience.

"We are the children you reject and disregard. These aching cries come from the bottom of our hearts. You can't disown us now, we are your own flesh and blood. We don't disappear just because your eyes are shut."

The Sincerest Form of Flattery

2009-05-27T20:26:00.003-04:00

Stolen from Rick

Number of Songs: 2,783
Duration of Library: 7.5 Days
Most Recently Played Song: “Eye of the Storm" - Killswitch Engage
Most Played Song: "Okay I Believe You But My Tommy Gun Don't" - Brand New
Most Recently Added Album: As Daylight Dies - Killswitch Engage
First Song Alphabetically: “A.D.D." - Vanilla Ice
Last Song Alphabetically: “The Zoo" - Bruce Dickinson
Smallest Song Numerically: “#1" - Nelly
Largest Song Numerically: “8675309 Jenny" - Tommy Tutone

Shortest Song: Judge Snyder Clip from The Simpsons (0:17)
Longest Song: “Rapper's Delight" - The Sugarhill Gang (14:37)

First Album Alphabetically: Absolutely The Best of the '70s
Last Album Alphabetically: Zeitgeist - The Smashing Pumpkins
First Band Alphabetically: ABBA
Last Band Alphabetically: ZZ Top
Smallest Band Numerically: .38 Special
Largest Band Numerically: 1000 Homo DJs

First Ten Songs That Pop Up On Shuffle:
"Sober" - Pink
"She Is Beautiful" - Andrew WK
"Don't Dream Its Over" - Crowded House
"Ordinary Day" - Vanessa Carlton
"Electrical Storm" - U2
"She's Always A Woman" - Billy Joel
"Long Forgotten Sons" - Rise Against
"Victory" - Puff Daddy
"Wonderboy" - Tenacious D
"She's My Winona" - Fall Out Boy
"Some Fantastic" - Barenaked Ladies

90210 Episode 21 Live Blog

2009-04-28T19:03:00.002-04:00

&amp;lt;a href="http://www.coveritlive.com/mobile.php?option=com_mobile&amp;amp;task=viewaltcast&amp;amp;altcast_code=9996f072e6" &amp;gt;90210 Episode 21 Live Blog&amp;lt;/a&amp;gt;

90210 Episode 20 Live Blog

2009-04-21T18:37:00.003-04:00

&amp;lt;a href="http://www.coveritlive.com/mobile.php?option=com_mobile&amp;amp;task=viewaltcast&amp;amp;altcast_code=78c65e1634" &amp;gt;90210 Episode 20 Live Blog&amp;lt;/a&amp;gt;

90210 Episode 19 Live Blog

2009-04-14T19:53:00.003-04:00

90210 Episode 19 Live Blog

90210 Episode 18 Live Blog

2009-04-07T20:00:00.002-04:00

&amp;lt;a href="http://www.coveritlive.com/mobile.php?option=com_mobile&amp;amp;task=viewaltcast&amp;amp;altcast_code=a4d6d04a44" &amp;gt;90210 Episode 18 Live Blog&amp;lt;/a&amp;gt;

90210 Episode 17 Live Blog

2009-03-31T19:51:00.002-04:00

&amp;lt;a href="http://www.coveritlive.com/mobile.php?option=com_mobile&amp;amp;task=viewaltcast&amp;amp;altcast_code=c05b87fe23" &amp;gt;90210 Episode&amp;lt;/a&amp;gt;

90210 Episode 16 Live Blog

2009-02-10T19:45:00.002-05:00

&amp;lt;a href="http://www.coveritlive.com/mobile.php?option=com_mobile&amp;amp;task=viewaltcast&amp;amp;altcast_code=aee6b431a3" &amp;gt;90210 Episode 16&amp;lt;/a&amp;gt;

90210 Episode 15 Live Blog

2009-02-03T19:37:00.002-05:00

&amp;lt;a href="http://www.coveritlive.com/mobile.php?option=com_mobile&amp;amp;task=viewaltcast&amp;amp;altcast_code=6944ad2d14" &amp;gt;90210 Episode 15 Live Blog&amp;lt;/a&amp;gt;

90210 Episode 14 Live Blog

2009-01-20T19:38:00.001-05:00

90210 Episode 13 Live Blog

2009-01-13T19:16:00.001-05:00

Sunday With Moro - The Live Blog

2008-12-14T09:21:00.003-05:00

The Rick was generous enough to give me two tickets to the Jets game today. Since I don't know any bigger Jets fans, I invited Moro to come along. Needless to say, he was so excited, he almost went the whole conversation without mentioning Terry. The plan is to depart Rockland at 10am, tailgate for a few hours, go to the game, then head to Bruxelle's when we get back to watch the end of the Panthers game. Feel free to follow along below.

90210 Episode 11 Live Blog

2008-11-18T19:44:00.002-05:00

90210 Episode 10 Live Blog

2008-11-11T19:42:00.002-05:00

90210 Episode 9 Live Blog

2008-11-04T19:56:00.002-05:00

90210 Episode 8 Live Blog

2008-10-28T19:44:00.002-04:00

Presidential Debate 3 - Presidential Debate With A Vengence

2008-10-15T19:34:00.001-04:00

90210 Episode 7/Presidential Debate 2 Live Blog

2008-10-07T19:27:00.003-04:00

Hello friends. Tonight we will be attempting to live blog both 90210 and the Presidential Debate. A tall order indeed, yet I think we're up to the task.

iTunes Top 25 - October 1, 2008

2008-10-01T22:02:00.003-04:00

I had to skip over the month of September due to some work related windedness, so I just decided to start over again at the beginning of the month. Hopefully I will be able to maintain this schedule in the future.

25. "The Take Over, The Break's Over" - Fall Out Boy (26)
And our first new entry to the Top 25 is actually a return entry, which goes to show the problem with doing a cumulative list: for the most part its going to be the same group of songs, just in a different order. Until I figure out a better way to go about things that's just something everyone's going to have to deal with.

24. "Thriller" - Fall Out Boy (26)
This week's biggest drop comes courtesy of the band everyone loves to hate and yet secretly listens to. While this is a great album opener/adrenaline pumper, there's been other songs I've been listening to lately that have taken its place on my playlists.

23. "You Know My Name" - Chris Cornell (26)
22. "Tears Don't Fall" - Bullet for My Valentine (26)
21. "Crash Here Tonight" - Toby Keith (27)
20. "Say This Sooner" - The Almost (27)
19. "Pretty Handsome Awkward" - The Used (28)
18. "Your Love" - The Outfield (28)

17. "Thank You For the Venom" - My Chemical Romance (28)
When I pillaged Rick's song collection, there was a lot of My Chemical Romance on there. I kept most of it, but barely listened to it at first. Now, between this and most of the Black Parade album, I'm not ashamed to say I've become a fan.

16. "Inside the Fire" - Disturbed (28)
15. "Metalingus (Edge's Entrance Music)" - Alter Bridge (28)
14. "The Kill" - 30 Seconds to Mars (29)
13. "Who I Am Hates Who I've Been" - Relient K (29)
12. "Inevitable" - Anberlin (29)

11. "She'll Never Be Your Man" - Chris Cornell (31)
The biggest jump on this list. I would put this song up against any of Cornell's Soundgarden or Audioslave stuff. Its that good.

10. "I Will Play My Game Beneath the Spin Lights" - Brand New (31)
The highest debut in this month's Top 25, it benefits hugely from the fact that its on a number of different playlists. Also, its a great song about being on the road and not being able to appreciate all you're getting to experience because really, all you care about is getting back home. A feeling we can all relate to.

9. "Grand Theft Autumn" - Fall Out Boy (33)
8. "A Little Less Sixteen Candles, A Little More 'Touch Me'" - Fall Out Boy (34)
7. "Devotion and Desire" - Bayside (34)
6. "Okay I Believe You, But My Tommy Gun Don't" - Brand New (35)
5. "The Feel Good Drag" - Anberlin (35)
4. "Save Me From Me" - Amber Pacific (36)
3. "I Slept With Someone In Fall Out Boy and All I Got Was This Stupid Song Written About Me" - Fall Out Boy (37)
2. "7 Minutes in Heaven (Atavan Halen)" - Fall Out Boy (37)
1. "BubbleToes" - Jack Johnson (41)

90210 Episode 6 Live Blog

2008-09-30T18:27:00.001-04:00

90210 Episode 4 Live Blog

2008-09-16T19:39:00.001-04:00

90210 - The Next Generation

2008-09-02T23:31:00.007-04:00

I have a confession to make. I've never really watched the original 90210. I just couldn't get into it when I was a kid, and though I've caught a few reruns on cable over the years, I don't have the same reverence for it that everyone else seems to. Which is why I didn't blink an eye when the CW announced plans to bring back 90210 for the modern era. After all, it worked for Degrassi. So, like many others, I awaited the premiere anxiously. And I was highly entertained. Although, as you can see below in the conversation I had with Rick during the show, probably not for the reasons the producers intended.

Rick: titties
Ostrowe: big ones
O: are you watching 90210
R: no
R: is darcy amazing?
O: she looks like she lost weight
O: but kelly's titties are amazing
R: she didn't need to lose weight
O: i know
O: she looks too skinny
O: probably the switch from canada to LA
O: she fell under the too skinny hollywood trap
O: btw, this show is awful
O: its like every bad teen soap opera rolled into one
R: dagger
O: degrassi + the OC + the original 90210
R: did darcy get attacked by a child predator online while listening to "ummmm whatcha say, that only live once"
O: too bad its too late for me to live blog this thing
R: bah
R: that would have been interesting
O: very
O: darcy's brother is a ricky
R: she is crazy skinny
O: ok good, i wasn't sure if it was just me
R: lame in the first 3 minutes
R: i miss mrs kwan
R: is darcy bow legged
R: this show sucks
O: yes, yes it does
O: yet i can't turn away
R: because of kelly's titties
O: its like the "radios in heaven" of tv shows
(at this point in the show Darcy hopped up on stage to join the school play)
O: that's what we need to make this show even more ridiculous: musical theatre
R: i like how the :45 seconds songs mimic those from degrassi
R: Ominous music! no!
O: ohh, what're the odds!?!?!?
O: you missed darcy walking in on a guy getting a hummer in the first two minutes
R: damn
R: so y is her bro a ricky?
O: adopted
R: Navid? really?
R: that is the gayest name i have ever heard
R: no joke
O: i think its the name of an our lady peace album
R: anfron wants to marmalade samuri girl
O: bah, so do i
O: she was on the real world: san diego
O: i feel sorry for the mom from arrested development (she plays the grandma on this show)
O: she has to act like she's into being on this show
O: she's like ". . . we're 'hangin' at the 90210 premiere party . . . yay"
O: bahahahaha, i just had this conversation w/ mr stanton

BUCKTIM: DH is in California for a few days on business then he is going to Las Vegas
Oz316: "business"
BUCKTIM: yes that is what he told me, probably
monkey business

O: monkey business
R: lol
O: shocker, the principal and the popular girl's mom have an illegitimate child together
R: is that chick a student
R: she looks like she is 35
O: which one?
R: the blonde who was crying
O: yeah
O: the guy she was dancing with is an awful actor
O: he just looks perpetually confused all the time
O: combo of perpetually confused/about to cry
R: surfers watch out
R: ending montage with hip slow music
R: check
R: main charactors change opinion about new state at the zero hour of episode one
R: check
O: they're running into the water with fancy clothes on! that's wacky!
R: only kids do stuff like that!
R: is it a two hour premiere?!
R: now thats wacky!
O: i like how they just randomly threw in the subplot with kelly and her bastard kid
O: the grandma is the only good part of this show
O: its like she's still playing the same character from arrested development
R: we should have done one of those live chats
O: isn't that kind of what we're doing?
R: i suppose
O: we should've made it a little more professional
R: indeed
O: i like how lacrosse is the big sport at west beverly
R: do we have a breakfast club episode on our hands here?
O: i'm sure we will at some point
O: i think that chick is older than me
O: bah, i just lol'ed at that "because its crushed" line
R: the boyfrined back home!
R: never saw that coming
O: this guy's gotta be gay
R: naomi the 35 yr old was born in 1987
O: she looks awful
O: that's a hard 21 years
O: look out, its Stubbly Rebellious Teacher/Coach Guy!
R: aka Mr. O
R: she looks like Selma Blair in Cruel intentions
O: druggie girl?
R: slighly modernized
(tramp stamp)
R: might as well be a bullseye
R: KELLY!
O: it would be awesome if he just called her Miss Titties
R: that would be the gentlemanly thing to do
O: darcy got over the breakup with back home guy pretty quick
O: ty colllins = river pierce
(the chick who looks 35 is back on)
R: her nose is weird when it flares
O: jesus christ, that girl looks fucking terrible
O: she looks like she should be a teacher
(commercial for "My Best Friend's Girl")
O: this movie actually looks funny, and i hate dane cook more than any other human being
R: super lame
O: i would go see it on free movie tuesday
O: although that's going to be tough to do now with 90210 on every tuesday
(Back to the show. Aunt Becky let Darcy go out on a date on a school night with the caveat that she be back before 10)
O: i wish i was keeping a running tally for the number of times the word "blog" was said
R: think she comes home before 10?
O: i predict shenanigans
R: pig poop HAHAHAHAHAH did she just say that
R: oh man this show
R: they go there
O: shocker, he's taking her to a restaurant in san francisco
O: i bet he orders the sausage
(Stubbly Rebellious Teacher/Coach Guy asks Kelly on a date and she tells him she needs to find a babysitter)
O: bah, i've had that exact conversation before, its never fun
R: lol
O: ". . . so how old is he/she" . . . awkward
R: ill take ur word
O: my god, that's brenda walsh's music!!
O: i wonder if this prank is going to backfire somehow
O: nah, i'm sure its foolproof
O: druggie actress girl has nice t's
R: she does
R: came out of nowhere
R: DHSTs
R: druggie
O: indeed
O: oh my god, the outcast girl and the popular girl used to be best friends!
O: and then they had a falling out!
O: that almost never happens!
R: is this show still on?
O: two hours is definitely too much
R: worst movie ever
(Darcy gets busted)
O: why would she keep a matchbook in her pocket
O: why would she even take a matchbook? i would think becky would be more upset about the possibility she was smoking. she could've gotten those matches from anywhere
O: but there i go looking for logic out of soap opera parents
R: stubbly beard guy was shocked that brenda was back on the show
R: it would have been great if he was like "i loved you on that show"
O: or if he said "brenda?" and then she called him an asshole and punched him
O: no texting? is that even a real punishment?
R: aint kansas no more
O: how do you stop a kid from texting without taking away his phone?
R: who is tracy?
R: aunt becky sex
R: careful she is prone to having twins
O: tracy is the 35 year old chicks mom who he had a kid with when they were in high school
R: and the love triangles begin
O: that was 100% intense
O: i still think that kid's gay
O: he probably has a thing for darcy's brother and he's just using her to get close to him
R: that was so intense i cant even go to sleep
O: we should do this for every episode
R: it would make it more entertaining
R: "teen suicide rates drop slightly, but still high"
R: 90210 already having a positive impact. Teens are killing themselves less ever since 90210 came back
R: i should do PR for this show
O: there you go
O: perhaps its the fact that they cast a 21 yr old who looks 35 to play a teenager
O: makes them feel better about themselves

So there you go indeed. Will Rick and I make it back to live blog every episode of this show? Or will we do it for maybe two weeks and then let it fizzle out like everything else we do? Only time will tell.

iTunes Top 25 - August 24, 2008

2008-08-24T22:50:00.010-04:00

The fact that I've started making various playlists to listen to at certain times has led to big changes since last month's Top 25. There's a ton of new songs, and a new number one. So let's get started.

25. "Of All The Gin Joints in All the World" - Fall Out Boy (23)
24. "Hey You" - The Exies (23)
The two biggest dropoffs on the Top 25, they suffer from out of sight, out of mind syndrome (or out of hearing, out of mind as the case may be). Now that I have over 2400 songs on my iTunes, I don't really listen to Fall Out Boy as much, and its been ages since I've played Guitar Hero. Still both great songs though.

23. "She'll Never Be Your Man" - Chris Cornell (23)
Everyone knows what a huge Chris Cornell fan I am, but I don't think I'm exagerrating when I say this is one of the best blues-rock songs ever written. There's not many songwriters out there who can craft a song about losing your chick to another girl and make it feel like a universal experience.

22. "Pretty Handsome Awkward" - The Used (24)

21. "Crash Here Tonight" - Toby Keith (24)
Another big dropoff, its more a victim of the fact that its a slow song, and I've been listening to more of TK's upbeat songs lately than any other reason.

20. "Every Man Has A Molly" - Say Anything (24)

19. "You Know My Name" - Chris Cornell (24)
The theme song from "Casino Royale" is another example of Cornell's brilliant wordplay. Set to a rocked out version of the James Bond music, this is just the right song to get you in the mood to go out and do something.

18. "Metalingus (Edge's Entrance Music)" - Alter Bridge (24)

17. "The Kill" - 30 Seconds to Mars (25)
You think this is just a standard kick ass rock song, then you listen to the lyrics and its just Jared Leto whining about the end of a relationship. Luckily the rest of the band is great enough that you can overlook the douchiness of the lyrics and just focus on how awesomely the song comes together as a whole.

16. "Your Love" - The Outfield (25)

15. "Inside the Fire" - Disturbed (25)
The lead single off the new Disturbed album, it kicks a whole lot of ass. Its one of those songs where once you hear it, you want to hear it again and again. Hence its entry onto the Top 25.

14. "Tears Don't Fall" - Bullet for My Valentine (25)
You'll notice this song is much higher on this month's Top 25 than it was on last month's. Well, after I posted last month's list, I listened to this song and fell in love with it all over again. So its jumped quite a few spots as a result.

13. "Inevitable" - Anberlin (25)
12. "Say This Sooner" - The Almost (25)
11. "Thriller" - Fall Out Boy (26)
10. "Who I Am Hates Who I've Been" - Relient K (27)
9. "Devotion and Desire" - Bayside (27)

8. "Okay I Believe You, But My Tommy Gun Don't" - Brand New (29)
I like to listen to my iPod when I'm going to sleep at night, and before I made a playlist of songs to go to sleep to, I used to just listen to everything I had by Brand New. This one stands out because it starts out quiet, then gets really loud and rocking, something I'm a big fan of in songs.

7. "A Little Less Sixteen Candles, A Little More 'Touch Me'" - Fall Out Boy (30)

6. "The Feel Good Drag" - Anberlin (31)
Anberlin has released a new version of this song as the first single off their new record, and I am not a fan. It sounds way too polished, and the lead singer's voice lacks the grit and thus the emotion that he had when they recorded the original. I don't understand why bands feel the need to re-record new versions of old songs. Especially when the original is as great as this one is.

5. "Grand Theft Autumn" - Fall Out Boy (32)
4. "7 Minutes In Heaven (Atavan Halen)" - Fall Out Boy (32)
3. "I Slept With Someone In Fall Out Boy and All I Got Was This Stupid Song Written About Me" - Fall Out Boy (33)
2. "Save Me From Me" - Amber Pacific (33)

1. "BubbleToes" - Jack Johnson (34)
And we have a new number one! As I mentioned before, I haven't been listening to that much Fall Out Boy recently, and someone had to step in to fill the void. It helps not only that this song is on my Go To Sleep playlist, but that its insanely catchy and you can't listen to it just once.

So that's all for this month. I'll see you back here shortly for the next update.

There's No Expiration Date on Crazy

2008-08-05T22:06:00.000-04:00

So I'm at work today minding my own business and walking my route when I get a phone call. Its a ringtone I haven't heard in a while, one I forgot I even downloaded, "Ex-Girlfriend" by No Doubt. That would be Big Red's ringtone.

I haven't really mentioned Big Red in this space, though she's given me plenty of material. We dated for about three months, and other than this chick, she's easily the craziest girl I've ever dated. I plan on saving all the details for a rather lengthy post, or possibly a book some day, as that's how good they are. Despite the fact that we only dated for three months, and broke up in February, I still get texts from her every now and then, even though we've been broken up for longer than we ever went out. But a phone call was something new. Of course I let the voicemail pick up. Not surprisingly, she left a message. I was like a kid on Christmas Eve waiting to hear what kind of craziness was contained in the voicemail, so I listened to it immediately when I got back to the truck. The following is the message, left in the most serious of tones:

"Hi Dan, its (Big Red). I know I haven't spoken to you in a while, I hope all is well, um can you call me back its really kind of important, I need to ask you something. I'd really appreciate it, um, its kind of really important. Thank you very much and talk to you later bye."

My first thought is that she was calling to tell me she had some sort of STD and that I needed to get tested immediately. See, in addition to being batshit crazy, Big Red is also a big whore (crazy AND a whore??? Shocking, I know). So I stupidly called her back. The following is a pretty accurate recollection of the conversation that took place:

Big Red: "Hi"
Ostrowe: "Hello"
BR: "Its (Big Red)"
O: "I know. What do you want?"
BR: (getting progressively closer to tears as she rambles on) "I'm sure you're at work or whatever, and I don't want to bother you, but I don't know if I did anything to bother you to the point where you would leave a letter at my dad's house, who I haven't spoken to in 25 years (This is a blatant lie - O) telling him everything I've been doing, who I've been dating, and where I'm working -"
O: "I don't know where your dad lives."
BR: "Ok. That's what I thought but it goes into detail and mentions you by name -"
O: "Whoa, whoa. What does it say about me?"
BR: "It says that you broke up with me when you found out what a fake and phony I was"
O: " . . . ok."
BR: "The only reason I thought it might be you is because it goes into a lot of detail about TTC and its really well written."
O: "Well what does it say about TTC?"
BR: "That I pissed off my bosses and I was afraid to go back to work so I just left and it mentions them by name."
O: "Well, you do have a habit of pissing people off."
BR: "What do you mean?"
O: "You tend to rub people the wrong way. You've made a lot of enemies in your day."
BR: "What are you talking about? I have a ton of friends, everyone likes me."
O: " . . . Ok."
BR: "Well I thank you for your honesty but since you're at work, I'll let you go. Bye."

I'm not sure what the psychological classification for insanity is, but I like to think a good example of it would be complete and utter ignorance of the truth. This girl honestly believes that everyone loves her, and they all want to be her friend. In her eyes, she can do no wrong. I had forgotten about this in the months since we'd broken up. I mean, I knew she was crazy, but I had forgotten the true lengths to which her craziness extended.

I'm not sure what the reasoning behind my deciding to post this was, other than as a cautionary tale I suppose. There are a lot of crazy people out there, but a lot of them can be helped with the proper therapy and/or medication. But those that are beyond hope are best to be avoided at all costs. A wise man once said "You can fuck crazy, just don't ever date crazy." Advice for all to heed.

iTunes Top 25 - July 20, 2008

2008-07-20T12:59:00.015-04:00

Since the last one of these I did was such a success, and since I continue to build my music database on a regular basis, I figured I'd make it a monthly feature. Plus, since I've already written up most of the songs on here, I only have to tackle the new ones, which are highlighted, and the biggest slides, which are in red.

25. "Tears Don't Fall" - Bullet for My Valentine (19)
One of the two biggest sliders since last month, its mainly fallen victim to the fact that it hasn't really come up on any shuffles or playlists in that time. Plus, its more than five minutes long, so its rare that I actually want to spend that much time listening to one song by choice.

24. "The Take Over, The Break's Over" - Fall Out Boy (20)
23. "Sophomore Slump or Comeback of the Year" - Fall Out Boy (20)

22. "Devotion and Desire" - Bayside (20)
The first of the newcomers to the list, this is just an all around great song. It touches on the familiar themes of love and not knowing what you want out of a relationship, all over a fast paced, heavy rock background.

21. "Within Destruction" - As I Lay Dying (20)
20. "Never Take Friendship Personal" - Anberlin (20)

19. "Inevitable" - Anberlin (20)
Another one of the biggest dropoffs from last month, you'll notice the number of plays is exactly the same, meaning I haven't listened to it at all since then. Again, this is a really romantic song that makes you think about the person you love, and seeing as I'm currently single, there's no real reason I would be listening to it.

18. "Pretty Handsome Awkward" - The Used (21)
Another newcomer, based mainly on the "stuck in your head" factor. The guitars in this song are awesome, and even tho I'm not a big fan of Bert McCracken as a human being, his screaming vocals definitely add to the song. Supposedly the song is a thinly veiled shot at Gerard Way, the lead singer of My Chemical Romance. Now there's a feud where no matter who comes out on top, no one is really a winner in the end. Except music fans, if it leads to more songs like this.

17. "Best of Me" - The Starting Line (21)
"TELL ME WHAT YOU THOUGHT ABOUT WHEN YOU WERE GONE AND SO ALONE, THE WORST IS OVER, YOU CAN HAVE THE BEST OF ME!" Now try getting that out of your head without playing this song over and over again. Insanely catchy chorus that you wanna sing/scream along to.

16. "Every Man Has A Molly" - Say Anything (21)
This is a great song about that one girl that completely fucks up your whole life and how you don't know what the hell you're going to do once she's gone. Its also set over a unique rock beat that kind of jumps all over the place, but comes together in the end.

15. "Metalingus (Edge's Entrance Music)" - Alter Bridge (21)
14. "Say This Sooner" - The Almost (21)
13. "Your Love" - The Outfield (22)
12. "Thriller" - Fall Out Boy (22)
11. "Of All the Gin Joints In All the World" - Fall Out Boy (22)
10. "Hey You" - The Exies (22)
9. "Crash Here Tonight" - Toby Keith (23)
8. "The Feel Good Drag" - Anberlin (25)
7. "Who I Am Hates Who I've Been" - Relient K (26)
6. "BubbleToes" - Jack Johnson (27)
5. "Grand Theft Autumn" - Fall Out Boy (30)
4. "A Little Less Sixteen Candles, A Little More 'Touch Me'" - Fall Out Boy (30)
3. "7 Minutes in Heaven (Atavan Halen)" - Fall Out Boy (31)
2. "Save Me From Me" - Amber Pacific (31)
1. "I Slept With Someone In Fall Out Boy and All I Got Was This Stupid Song Written About Me" - Fall Out Boy (33)

So, as you can see, not much movement in the top 10 this month. But you never know when something's gonna come out of nowhere and take iTunes by storm.

Retro Post: The Dream Job Running Diary

2008-07-07T20:52:00.010-04:00

I've been doing this blog thing going on five years now, and a lot has changed in those five years. As such, I plan on doing some major housecleaning with this site. Hopefully this will someday lead to more posts, but I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for that. Anyway, as far as the housecleaning, there's a lot of stuff over on my old Geocities site just sitting there taking up space. My goal is to eventually have it all moved over here. And yes, I realize Rick had the same idea several years ago, its just taken me this long to catch up. Since, there's no better place to begin than the beginning, I present to you my first ever running diary.

---------------------------------------------------------

On Tuesday June 29 2004, ESPN held their first auditions for seasons 2 and 3 of Dream Job. Since I had nothing better to do, I decided to drive into the city and give it a shot. Joining me on the trip was Rob, who in addition to having nothing better to do really wanted to try out for a reality tv show, and since he missed the application date for Survivor decided Dream Job would be the next best thing. Let the diary commence.

5:00 AM - My alarm goes off; I shut it off and go back to sleep.

5:30 - Bah, stupid Dream Job.

6:30 - I pick up Rob, who enters the car and says "I can't believe we're up this early." I echo his sentiments.

7:08 - Traffic on the bridge entrance; I speculate that all this traffic may be for the Dream Job audition, Rob demands I turn car around immediately.

7:20 - Amazingly, we get a spot in a lot on 44th & 8th, mere blocks away from the audition site at the ESPNZone in Times Square. Not so amazingly, the zipper on my pants pocked gets stuck, setting an ominous tone for the rest of the day.

7:33 - We walk three blocks in the wrong direction before realizing it.

7:37 - FUCK, there's a line

7:38 - We walk past the front of the line and spot Jimmy Styles, who we graduated high school with. For those of you who don't know Jimmy Styles, I think Rob's description sums it up nicely: "That kid was like every nerd character you see in movies rolled into one."

7:40 - Zipper unstuck! VICTORY!

8:01 - My attire is ridiculed by a hot chick in a Red Sox hat being followed by a cameraman. I respond by telling her that it about time someone brought some color to the network, and that maybe they should consider starting a "Hawaiian shirt Friday." She chuckles and then leaves before I can tell her that Boston sucks.

8:18 - I just finished filling out the application form, which included questions like:

"What 5 qualities you possess would make you a good Sportscenter anchor?"
"What is the most interesting thing about you that no one could tell by looking at you?"
"What is the most outrageous thing you've ever done?"

I wisely refused to answer the most outrageous question on the grounds that they would probably throw me out.
By signing the application, I have just signed away my "moral rights", whatever that means.

8:36 - The guy in front of us online has Harry Caray glasses on; also, I really have to pee.

8:37 - Byron Metcalf is going around interviewing people for ESPN the Magazine; he looks about 12 years old.

8:40 - Rob casually mentions that he can't name anyone on the Rangers aside from Jagr, I try to do the same and can only come up with Mike Dunham. Unfortunately, the guy in the Harry Caray glasses in front of us overhears and starts talking to us about the Devils and Cablevision; this is officially a disaster.

9:06 - We have movement! Hopefully the guy with the Harry Caray glasses shuts up now.

9:09 - So much for that; an incredibly loud, piercing noise of undetermined origin starts to sound.

9:13 - Noise stops; guy in front of us still talking about the Devils and Cablevision, and how he was celebrating the 2003 Stanley Cup in a diner with Stan Fishler; I still really have to pee.

9:35 - I wonder if Shelly's working today.
Rob - "This sucks."

9:41 - The guy hands us his business cards, his name is Noam, what the fuck kind of a name is Noam.

9:55 - Line moves.

9:56 - Line stops.

10:09 - I think Noam finally stopped talking.

10:11 - My arm feels like its about to fall out of the socket, I still really have to pee, this is officially one of the worst experiences of my life.

10:31 - Noam gets interviewed by Marisa Guthrie of the Daily News, when she asks him what he put for his most outrageous moment he says he didn't put anything because he's not an outrageous person. While he is saying this I glance back at my paper and she mistakenly takes this as a sign that I want to be interviewed. She tries to pry my most outrageous moment out of me, I tell her she doesn't want to know because she wouldn't be able to print it in the paper anyway. She keeps prying so I finally tell her, and then she asks me if I would like to re-enact it right there on the street with her. Okay, I made that part up.

10:45 - I make the cut as the last person to be allowed into the building for this group of people and head straight to the bathroom.

10:46 - AHHHHH.

10:51 - I leave the bathroom and find Rob seated at a table. I am directed to a different table where there are quizzes waiting in front of every seat and they inform us that these are our groups from now on. My group consists of:

Noam
Carmela D. - a short, fat woman who looks like a munchkin
Eric - a Flyers fan with red hair buzzed short
Stu Z - a pretty goofy looking guy
Kevin and Collin - 2 frat looking guys
Michael- a big fat black guy
a greasy guido-looking guy whose name I don't remember
another tall skinny black guy whose name I can't remember but looked like Sebastian Telfair.

We have 8 minutes to complete the quiz.

11:08 - They take our quizzes away and tell us to sit tight for a bit as everyone starts comparing answers. I thought I did pretty well cause there were only 4 questions I knew for sure I didn't know, plus I was the only one in my group that new Stewart Elliot was Smarty Jones' jockey. Then someone pointed out that the Packers and Chiefs played in Super Bowl I, not Super Bowl II, and my feeling of impending doom returned.

11:10 - While comparing answers, it seemed the only two words Michael uttered the whole time were "Oh man"

11:12 - Noam bitches that there weren't enough hockey questions; I start quietly plotting to kill Noam.

11:15 - Hannah, the asian chick proctoring the exams tells us to keep siting tight and then makes fun of me because I wrote Dan O. on my nametag; I quickly turn the tables on her by making fun of her for not getting the reference, I have the whole table cracking up. I hope the producers are this easy.

11:20 - Hannah has us all line up in single file by table; I immediately forget my place in line and one of the frat guys says "I just know I'm behind you cause you're Dan O." And don't you forget it, pal.

11:21 - We are escorted behind the black curtain and made to form semi-circles around a table for a "roundtable discussion." I am put off by the fact that the Dream Job producers apparently didn't get the memo that most roundtable discussions take place sitting down.

11:23 - One of the producer chicks starts off by saying, "All right, let's start off with your catchphrase, I know you've all been practicing them." She is noticeably dismayed when everyone goes "I don't have a catchphrase." One person even asked what a catchphrase was. Somehow I don't think anyone from this group is making it on the show.

11:25 - We all go through our catchphrases, which you can read about in the Daily News. (Well you could have back in 2004 - Ostrowe) If you hadn't guessed, mine was "That's not gonna be good for business," which I still think is pretty good, even if its not up to Marisa Guthrie's standards.

11:27 - We're asked to give our ten second dream play by play call; the greasy looking guido guy gets us off to a roaring start by taking about five minutes to describe something about the Yankees. Honestly I don't remember what he was talking about, I pretty much zoned out at this point. I do know Noam did a horrible job, rambling on for what seemed like a half hour about the Devils going into the third period tied 2-2 or whatever, and Collin the frat guy did the Red Sox winning the World Series, which made the hot chick in the Red Sox hat from before start clapping. I did an alternate universe Belmont Stakes where Smarty Jones won that I fucked up when I stuttered at the beginning due to dehydration. I pretty much gave up on the call halfway thru. I still thought I was in decent shape because I made everybody crack up just by saying "alternate universe Belmont Stakes," but it was not meant to be.

11:35 - They have us do a point counterpoint thing where we have to pick one side of a statement and argue it. I had to argue that Lou Pinella deserved AL manager of the year and made the point that being over 500 this late in the year was unheard of in Tampa, but Collin the frat guy countered by saying Buck Showalter, to which I responded, "That's a good choice, I can't argue with that."

11:37 - They bombard us with questions like "who's your favorite sportscaster", and the producer gets pissed at me when I name 3 guys, sternly repeating "Who's your favorite sportscaster?" I thought I recovered when they asked who the one player you would start an NFL team with would be and I said Ray Lewis and half the group copied my answer, but then I fucked up again when they asked Eric the Flyers fan which coach most deserved to be fired, and he said the Rangers coach. When they asked what his name was, Eric couldn't answer, and I piped in "Its Glen Sather, and he never should have been hired in the first place," and the producer guy went, "No! He's not the coach anymore." Now that is certainly not gonna be good for business.

11:40 - The producers tell us to just wait here while they huddle up and decide who moves on. Noam takes this opportunity to hand out his business card to the entire group. Kevin the frat guy looks at me and says "I guess every group has its 'special' ones."

11:42 - The producers return and announce who will be moving on: Michael, the big black guy, who when asked to argue that Jameer Nelson didn't deserve to be drafted higher decided to argue that Emeka Okafor should have been college basketball player of the year; Carmela, who as far as I could tell only advanced cause she didn't have a penis; and Stu, who when asked which coach most deserved to be fired, said Herm Edwards because while he was a great motivator, he couldn't manage a clock to save his life, to which the one producer chick who yelled at me before said "YES! He is the worst at clock management! Put him on the show!"

11:45 - Meet up with Rob on the outside. On the way back to the car, he compares this trip into the city to the one we made to go to the lostprophets concert, only to get lost and wander around Chinatown on foot at 11PM. This one is voted only slightly better.

11:55 - Rob claims he will never audition for a reality show again.

12:30 - I drop Rob off and head home for a nice long nap.

Overall I would say it was a pretty miserable experience. If I had really wanted the job I would have gotten drunk and gone in to audtion again the next day, because it seemed like what they wanted was a loud, obnoxious catchphrase spouting jackass, which we all know I am when I get saucy. They could have at least provided us with drinks when we finally got inside. So my final word is that the Dream Job producers don't know true talent when they see it. Obviously that's why Stu Scott is still employed.

iTunes Top 25 - June 22, 2008

2008-06-22T00:02:00.001-04:00

A couple of weeks ago I thought it would be a great idea to write a column based around my Top 25 Most Played List on iTunes. Mainly because it would be an easy column to write, but also because, as anyone who knows me knows, I am a huge music fan. So what should I see when I open that week's Entertainment Weekly but a column by Stephen King based around the exact same idea. I guess great minds really do think alike.

Since things are fairly hectic right now and I haven't had the time to sit down and write a proper blog post, I figured now is as good a time as any to debut the iTunes feature. First though, I would like to clarify some things.

My old mp3 player was a Dell Digital Jukebox, which are no longer in production. It contained 2200 songs amassed over years and years of downloading, both legal and illegal. My current iTunes playlist is made up of 2084 songs, taken mostly from mine and my sister's CDs, and Rick's external hard drive. There are only about 800 songs on my current iTunes playlist that were on my Dell DJ. So obviously this list is going to be changing a lot as I undergo the process of reassembling my music library. But for today, June 22, 2008, these are my iTunes Top 25 based on number of plays (in parentheses).

25. "Cult" - Slayer (16)
With blistering guitars and fiercly anti-religious lyrics, this is pretty much your standard Slayer song. Its also 6 minutes long, so its pretty impressive that I've listened to the whole thing from start to finish that many times.

24. "If I Never See Your Face Again" - Maroon 5 (17)
This is the original album version, not the crappy remix with Rihanna that is all over the place now. I like how Maroon 5 is able to mix funk, rock and soul all together in one song. You've also gotta love a song that pretty much just comes out and says, "You may be breaking up with me but I don't care cause I already got all I needed out of you." At least, I do.

23. "Fame < Infamy" - Fall Out Boy (17)
The first of several Fall Out Boy songs in the Top 25. No homo. In all seriousness, Pete Wentz may be a giant douchebag, but he writes some damn good songs. This is off their most recent album, and happens to be one of many about the down side of fame. More importantly, the music is very catchy. Hence its spot on the list.

22. "Hum Hallelujah" - Fall Out Boy (17)
This one is actually good lyrically as well, if only for the line "I thought I loved you, but it was just how you looked in the light." I think everyone's had at least one relationship where you realize the person you're dating is not who you thought they were. Too bad we weren't smart enough to set that realization against some kickass guitars.

21. "Never Take Friendship Personal" - Anberlin (17)
I'd never really heard of these guys prior to stealing Rick's playlist. Now I'm anxiously awaiting their new album coming out this year. They're one of those Christian punk/emo bands that "doesn't really write about Christianity." Whatever. Its damn good music.

20. "Sophomore Slump or Comeback of the Year" - Fall Out Boy (18)
Another FOB song, a bit slower paced than the previous entries in the Top 25. I'm not really sure what this one's about, but its catchy, and sometimes that's all it takes.

19. "Tears Don't Fall" - Bullet for My Valentine (18)
I love the opening to this song. Just straight guitars before the drums and vocals kick in, then when they do its a great hard rock song about breaking a girl's heart because you're such a fuck up.

18. "The Take Over, The Break's Over" - Fall Out Boy (19)
Another song with a great guitar opener, and another great "You may be dumping me but you're the one who's gonna be sorry" song.

17. "Within Destruction" - As I Lay Dying (19)
I had no idea what the hell they were even saying in this song until I looked up the lyrics and even after that I couldn't tell you what the hell this is about. Its just a classic hardcore metal song.

16. "Your Love" - The Outfield (20)
Speaking of classics, this is one of the definitive 80's songs, from the lyrics to the sound itself. Yet it manages to sound fresh every time I hear it.

15. "Thriller" - Fall Out Boy (20)
The opening track from the latest CD, it features a cameo from Jay-Z in which he does a nice Ric Flair impression.

14. "Inevitable" - Anberlin (20)
This is an incredibly romantic song, I can't even do it justice. Its slow and ballady, which would disqualify it from the Hard Rock Love Songs list, but thankfully that doesn't apply here.

13. "Metalingus (Edge's Entrance Music)" - Alter Bridge (20)
In addition to being Edge's entrance music, its also got a great message about not giving up and not letting fear get the best of you. Which always sounds better over a hard rock background.

12. "Say This Sooner" - The Almost (20)
Rick had an entire CD's worth of songs by these guys on his hard drive. This was the only one of their songs that survived. Mainly because this one rocks much harder than any of their other stuff.

11. "Of All the Gin Joints in All the World" - Fall Out Boy (21)
I actually had to go back and listen to all of these FOB songs while writing this because there's so many of them in the Top 25 that I had a hard time remembering which was which. This one's about having a girl fall for you and then worrying that when she finds out who you really are she's not gonna want anything to do with you. Something everyone can relate to.

10. "Crash Here Tonight" - Toby Keith (22)
The Captain of Country Music makes an appearance with a slow ballad about being afraid of being in love. I can't wait to see him in concert again this summer.

9. "Hey You" - The Exies (22)
I had never heard this song before playing the first Guitar Hero, which I got for Christmas. Its so catchy I couldn't get it out of my head even after I was done playing the game. Luckily I was able to download it for free from Myspace, otherwise it would probably still be haunting me to this day.

8. "Who I Am Hates Who I've Been" - Relient K (23)
A great song about redemption from yet another Christian punk band. I can totally relate to the lyrics in this song though, as far as regretting missed opportunities and looking back and not even recognizing the person you used to be.

7. "BubbleToes" - Jack Johnson (24)
You've got a crush on a girl, she may or may not be involved with another guy but for whatever reason she doesn't realize you'd be perfect for her. All summed up in an insanely catchy folk song. Can you tell I'm running out of adjectives? There's only so many times I can describe something as "catchy", "kickass", or "classic". Too bad I'm too lazy to use a Thesaurus.

6. "Grand Theft Autumn" - Fall Out Boy (24)
I played this song at Fitzy's last week, and JMac, who had apparently never heard it before, declared, "Its a Fall Out Boy song about gentlemen. This is the greatest song I've ever heard." So there you go.

5. "The Feel Good Drag" - Anberlin (25)
I first heard this song in the Jackass video on Rick's site. I thought it was awesome then without even really paying attention to the lyrics, but once I actually listened to them I realized what a great commentary on the state of love and relationships today it truly is.

4. "A Little Less Sixteen Candles, A Little More 'Touch Me'" - Fall Out Boy (27)
Lyrically this isn't much more than a guy realizing he's blown his last shot with a girl, musically its much more complex. Honestly, the main reason this song is up so high is because it comes directly after the number one song in the Top 25 on my playlist.

3. "7 Minutes in Heaven (Atavan Halen)" - Fall Out Boy (30)
Here we go. This one's about a guy who's in love with a girl he can't have so he's going to try and get over her by sleeping with as many girls as possible, yet its still not working. Gee, I wonder why I've listened to this song so many times?

2. "Save Me From Me" - Amber Pacific (30)
The shortest song in the Top 25, it gets right to the point, which is "I know I'm a fuck up but I think you can help me get my shit together, and if you can't then I don't know what the hell I'm gonna do."

1. "I Slept With Someone in Fall Out Boy and All I Got Was This Stupid Song Written About Me" - Fall Out Boy (32)
Oh, sweet sweet groupie sex. Its like empty calories. Sure, you're getting full, but there's no real nutritional value there. Until you start catching feelings for one of them. Then its all over Johnny.

So that was fun. Seeing as the list is ever changing, I'll try and do one of these bad boys at least once a month. Try being the operative word there.

The 2008 Belmont Stakes Running Diary

2008-06-08T22:35:00.001-04:00

Its been four years since there has been a Triple Crown hopeful going into the Belmont. Not coincidentally, its been four years since I've attended a race. (Also not so coincidentally, its been four years since the geniuses who run Belmont decided to no longer allow outside alcohol to be brought in, and I have no desire to spend an entire afternoon surrounded by Long Island douchebags while sober.) However, this year the racing world will be looking on with hope as Big Brown hopes to finally put an end to the nation's 30 year Triple Crown drought. Unfortunately for Rick, he was unable to attend, as he had a prior engagement. So as a result, the task of completing the running diary fell to me. And since the booze will not be flowing freely, I was glad to accept. Making the trip this year to hopefully witness history in the making are myself, Dmo, Joyce, JMac, Tommy and Todd - two of JMac's friends from school, and RF, a gentleman but also a bit of a red flag, as its unknown what he'll be bringing to the table. The plan is to meet up with Eddie O in the parking lot, and meet up with Jim$ in his private box at some point as well.

Friday June 6

1055am - Departure time and method is discussed in order to have a plan for the next day.

1105 - Joyce brings up the possibility of renting a "boces retard van" for all of us to drive down in and begins looking up prices.

249pm - Mar gets everyone off topic by breaking the news that Abby will be coming on the booze cruise in 3 weeks. Be on the lookout for that running diary, its sure to be monumental.

339 - Joyce tries and fails to get everyone back on the topic of Belmont booze and transportation.

447 - The last CoG email for the day. Nothing is decided as far as transportation.

906 - Ostrowe places calls to Joyce, RF, Dmo and JMac. None of them answer. Ostrowe resolves to make friends with more reliable people.

948 - Joyce calls, van plan abandoned. Not much is determined other than we should get both cars to leave at 9am and try to park next to each other so we can tailgate.

1038 - Joyce and I still haven't heard from Dmo or RF. I told you this guy was a red flag. Joyce also reminds me that I should probably purchase a ticket.

1133 - RF calls. He and Dmo were playing basketball against 40 year old men. The plan is set. Dmo will be picked up at 830 and I will be picked up at 9. And apparently I will be scalping my ticket, as there are none left on sale.

Belmont Saturday June 7 2008

733am - I finally get up after multiple attempts.

825 - RF crashes into Dmo's bushes while attempting to call me and back out of the driveway at the same time.

840 - The three of us depart for Belmont after packing the cooler with booze and cold cuts.

842 - Rick decides to unveil his new cover story for attending the race, thus rendering the RF experiment pointless.
Rick:"My grandfather is having surgery and my parents want me to stay in New York in case something happens. Belmont is still in New York."
So for those of you who are slow to catch up, yes, RF = Rick.

846 - Dmo claims he had to take out a loan from Jim$ in order to pay for his ticket.

847 - Rick:"Its going to be amazinig how quickly RF catches on to all our jokes."

857 - Joyce texts Rick claiming he's at gate X7; in reality he hasn't even left his house yet

909 - Sign:"If you worked here your commute would be over by now."
A RickRoll discussion breaks out, and Rick prematurely declares "Never Gonna Give You Up" to be the official CoG song of the Belmont.

914 - After I get through relaying a story about Domenica, the Polish waitress I hung out with the other night, Rick responds, "You hang out with chicks with weird names."

926 - We arrive at Belmont only to be accosted by Ahmed Johnson the parking attendent. He informs us that his boss is telling him to have people park at the other end of the lot, but if we give him some cash he'll let us park right by the exit, so we donate $10 to his cause. A van containing Borat's sidekick and his friends follows in behind us and parks next to us while ignoring Ahmed, proving once again how retarded we are.

930 - Dmo cracks the ceremonial first beer. Borat's sidekick makes fun of us for putting on sunscreen but he is bringing a jacket? One of Borat's sidekick's friends tells us Borat's sidekick's name is Melanoma.

932 - Rick:"Just when we think we have all the answers, Belmont changes the questions."

935 - Rick answers his phone, "Heyyy, good morning beautiful." Ostrowe proclaims he's going to answer all phone calls as such from now on.

937 - Flatulence; a guy in a Mini Cooper is GOIN' OUT! (He kept yelling that at the parking staff and they were yelling it back at him so we of course followed suit.)

939 - Poppers texts Dmo $35 worth of bets to place on the various races throughout the day.

942 - Rick:"How much you wanna bet they miss the exit?"
Dmo:"I'm not betting against their retardedness."

943 - Dmo:"Where are those . . . (looks around and sees his surroundings) . . . guys."

947 - We somehow managed to use our intelligence and realize that there is an open area for tailgating in the shade under the trees right next to the entrance and immediately move our stuff there, almost making up for the $10 donation to the Make Ahmed Johnson Wealthy Foundation earlier.

950 - Apparently Ludacris works for the NYRA.

952 - Dmo claims the beers are going down way too smoothly.

957 - We've known each other for so long. Your heart's been aching but you're too shy to say it.

1005 - Waving at random people as they drive by is awesome. Rick decides to set up a point system.
1 point if they wave back.
2 points if they honk.
2 points if a hot chick, a guy with a cheesy mustache or someone who looks like a famous person waves back.
Unfortunately we were all too winded to keep score.

1007 - Dmo and Ostrowe yell "Happy Everyday!" at an Asian driving by.

1008 - Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down. Never gonna run around and desert you.

1010 - JMac, Joyce and crew drive by without stopping so we can get their cooler out of the car.

1011 - RF is playing Tiger Woods for PSP.
Dmo:"Who are you?"
RF:"I'm The Rick."

1016 - A woman stops her car and asks the NYRA staff, "We're looking for Gate A. We're going to a party." Dmo and Ostrowe yell back, "The party's right here!!"

1019 - JMac, Joyce and friends arrive at our makeshift campsite. One of JMac's friends is wearing a Dave Matthews tshirt. Brock would not approve.

1022 - Joyce's cooler is the same make and model as Ostrowe's, unfortunately it is not the Triple Crown veteran that Ostrowe's is.

1032 - A well dressed slimmie walks by our campsite and refuses to acknowledge us whatsoever. Just like in the outside world.

1033 - "Fuck the kids" - Chris Joyce

1039 - Joyce wants to put the SOAP running diary on his balls.

1043 - Ostrowe offers the NYRA staff beverages; they decline.

1045 - A douchebag in a convertable gets booed after cutting off traffic on his way into Belmont.

1054 - Joyce, in regards to a passing car:"There's some Smurfettes"
Rick:"How can you tell? They're sitting down."
Joyce:"They're fucking tiny!"

1056 - A guy with a cheesy mustache walks by, declines our offer of beverages.

1101 - Dmo is the first to urinate.

1102 - Joyce's wave at passing cars begins to get suspiciously closer and closer to being a Heil Hitler salute.

1107 - A rousing game of catch breaks out. Due to his bad shoulder Ostrowe has no throwing power with his right arm, and due to not being left handed he has no direction when throwing with his left arm, making him a poor candidate to participate.

1114 - The late Kirby Puckett comes up in conversation.

1115 - Joyce, in regards to viewing the race:"Are they gonna have it on a Megatron?"

1123 - Crispin Glover wanders by our campsite and we give him a beverage.

1134 - JMac and Ostrowe reminisce about the real Marty Piccinich.

1148 - Jim$ is so wealthy.

1151 - NYRA = New York Ricky Association

1152 - Jesse (who isn't here) looks like a young Bob Dylan; JMac claims he needs to eat some meat (no homo)

1155 - "That guy is enormous." - said by all of us at one point regarding the same guy in a passing car.

1202 - Joyce is bowing at random cars as the staff from the NYRA are laughing at him.

1204 - Its too bad Rick's not here to videotape this.

1209 - Dmo tries unsuccessfully to knock the beer out of Joyce's hand by throwing the football at him.

1211 - Joyce often wears shirts underneath his shirts.

1215 - Ostrowe tackles Joyce on his way to the facilities.

1216 - JMac says drinking #9 leaves him fatigued and bloated, like he is on his period. He then leaves to get his iPod/speaker combo so we can have some music for our tailgate.

1217 - Dmo succeeds in his third try to hit Joyce with the football, thus spilling his beer all over him.

1220 - RF would like to take credit for us sitting in the shade.

1221 - Big Blonde is enormous.

1227 - NYRA staffer Rose asks us what section this is that we are currently in, Joyce responds "X7"

1230 - A retarded Hedo Turkoglu drives by; Joyce starts yelling "BUFFALO!!!" at no one in particular.

1233 - Anyone could see the road that they walk on is paved in gold. Its always summer, they'll never get cold. They'll never get hungry, they'll never get old and gray. (Fastball brought to you by JMac's iPod)

1234 - JMac and Joyce ask Rose what it is she's writing; it turns out she's keeping a tally of cars that drive in, not a competing running diary.

1237 - JMac starts offering Doritos to cars as they drive by.

1238 - Dmo gets a phone call from Terry! If Moro were here he'd be going nuts.

1241 - Joyce:"Happy everyday!"
Random asian:"Happy day!"

1242 - Joyce yells at Red Sundress:"Do you know Wes Helms??"
Red Sundress:"No."(keeps walking)

1246 - Joyce fakes a handoff to a car driving by.

1248 - Ostrowe:"Is that Alton Brown?"
JMac:"Yeah Elton John."

1256 - I went to Belmont and an emo concert broke out.
Tell me what you thought about when you were gone and so alone. The worst is over. You can have the best of me. We got older but we're still young. We never grew out of this feeling that we won't give up.
Joyce gives away our last piece of cheese to a random drunk walking by.
Random drunk:"Thanks Shawn."

106 - A group Dirty Bird results in the football being thrown into the middle of traffic.

109 - Don Muraco borrows the football.

117 - Ostrowe somehow makes the perfect beer throw to a guy on a bus going by. (ed. note - It was really quite breathtaking)

119 - An insanely hot chick walks by.
Rick:"Good god. I can't even begin to imagine what having sex with her is like."
Ostrowe:"I bet its like having sex with a rainbow."

122 - Dmo takes a picture with a guy with a cheesy mustache despite the guy's protest.

125 - We start making our way towards the track.

138 - Joyce:"You're screwed, you don't have a visor."
Ostrowe:"I have a hat."
Joyce:"But its not a visor."

140 - Despite tickets allegedly being sold out, Ostrowe pays $10 at the door and walks right in while Rick wanders off to find will call. Dmo is so wealthy he writes off his already purchased will call ticket and drops another $10 to purchase a ticket at the door. Jmac and his friends disappear shortly after walking in.

148 - Ostrowe blatantly hits on Jen, the hot chick at the ticket window. Jen tells him he better have picked a winning horse.

155 - Eddie O!

205 - Eddie O asks to see the pics of Jess the Librarian from Preakness, Ostrowe shows him the infamous pics instead. Eddie O reacts accordingly.

209 - A group of underage kids offeres us $1 to buy them beers; we tell them to up the offer or fuck off. They fuck off.

216 - Ostrowe cuts right to fence for a random race to watch his horse lose and his chances with Jen go out the window.

220 - Ostrowe chats with a couple of Panthers fans from Charlotte who are optimistic about the upcoming season. Ostrowe mentions that if John Fox doesn't produce this season, he's fucked. Charlotte guys respond, "We've driven past his house. Its huge. There's no way that guy's fucked."

224 - JMac reappears but has no money to bet so he wanders off again to find an ATM.

238 - Dmo sweats in the shape of a T because he has so many T's in his face all day.

240 - Ostrowe walks halfway up the stairs to say "Happy Everyday!" to an Asian.

241 - Faux Jake Delhomme won $600 on the last race.

248 - Scout! Ostrowe and Dmo haven't hung out with him in about four years. For some reason he's dressed like a giant homo.

259 - Dmo attempts to buy an $8 beer when the stand right behind us is selling them for $7. Must be nice to be so wealthy.

305 - Dmo's phone is deceased; Rick wanders off citing a need to sit down.

319 - An overdressed Asian is cooling himself off with some ice from a beer chest.

330 - Yvette the beer saleswoman is hot and spicy.

339 - Joyce gets Flair chopped. (Ed note - I can only assume it was by me.)

341 - Rick:"I can barely stand up straight."
Ostrowe:"That's what she said."

344 - A chick in a pink and black shirt walks by.
Ostrowe:"Bah, Bret Hart."
Joyce:"The late."
O:"He's still alive."
J:"Really? Who's the dead one?"
O:"Owen."
J:"Bah, the late Owen Hart."

346 - Dmo calls Poppers from Eddie O's phone:"What the hell happened in race 7????"

358 - Dmo gets booted off the sausage line after attempting to cut everyone.

401 - The late Jim McKay - following in Reagan's footsteps.

420 - Joyce and Ostrowe wander upstairs looking for a bathroom and run into Caroline from Bailey's! Sadly she's with her rich douchebag boyfriend. (ed. note - In fairness, I knew him before he started dating her, and he's not a bad guy. But if you were to picture in your head what you think a rich douchebag would look like, 99 percent of the time you would come up with this guy.)

427 - A douchebag Red Sox fan falls on his ass and tries to pick a fight with a little guy walking by for no reason.

437 - RF took a nap and then Dmo kicked him.
Joyce:"Who the hell is RF? Is that Eddie O?"

444 - Dmo is so wealthy he bought us all Big Brown tshirts.

451 - Dmo is down with Little Brown.

459 - Jim$ shows up. In case you were wondering what took him so long, he had a difficult time pulling himself away from his foursome with the Dahm triplets.

512 - Jim$ leads us all on an oddysey to find the NY Lotto jackpot guy and get a picture with him. To no one's surprise he is not there when we finally get to where he allegedly was.

516 - Guys in army fatigues walking by = USA chant breaking out.

518 - We go back to the beer stand, which is now sadly sans Yvette :(
Dmo steals a beer and Jim$ gets charged for it.

530 - Jim$ is wealthy; Ostrowe had to borrow a pen to write that.

537 - Ostrowe steals a pen from the beer stand so he can continue writing the running diary.

603 - Eddie O points out protruding nips on the chick in the blue shirt. Eddie O is a gentleman.

613 - Halfway to the rail is as far as Ostrowe's getting for the main race. Only ten minutes to post.

623 - We're no strangers to love. You know the rules and so do I. A full commitment's what I'm thinking of. You wouldn't get this from any other guy.

628 - The race hasn't gone off yet. Ostrowe remembers why he hates Belmont.
"Fuck Long Island." - Dan Ostrowe

633 - Ostrowe start walking back halfway through the race because Big Brown is nowhere near the lead and doesn't have a fucking chance.

635 - The race is over. D'Tara wins. 30 years without a Triple Crown.
Ostrowe gets back to Dmo at the doorway and he is talking to some drunk chick in a pink dress who he claims is psychotic because he keeps grabbing her T's and she doesn't mind.

646 - On the walk back, Dmo and Ostrowe are accosted by Big Black, who steals Dmo shirt and tries to instigate fisticuffs with Ostrowe. Luckily cooler heads prevail and everyone makes it out in one piece.

649 - Dmo spots a faux Ralph Friedgen.

657 - Dmo and Ostrowe return to the car, Rick is nowhere in sight. Dmo has trouble urinating between the cars with all the people walking by.

702 - Nassau police let a guy out of the back of the car so they can take care of traffic.

705 - JMac returns followed by the rest of the gentlemen. Rick and Ostrowe put the cooler in the backseat so Ostrowe and Dmo can booze on the ride home.

711 - Eddie Carpezzi is wealthy.

713 - Dmo claims RF is going to take him to Rhode Island this summer.

715 - In the never-ending battle to distract each other when they are on the phone with slimmies, Ostrowe plays the Trump card, downloading "Never Gonna Give You Up" onto his phone and playing it repeatedly in Rick's ear as he tries to talk to Tara. Rick is forced to tap out and hang up the phone.

722 - Rick's croissants are buttery and delicious.

724 - Rick offers up the cupholder for Dmo's beer so he doesn't spill it on his carpet; Dmo declines claiming he won't be falling asleep and thus won't need it.

725 - We pass Jimmy Han's Foxwoods bus on the right hand side.

731 - Dmo:"Bah, so much for that not spilling beer on your carpet Rick."

736 - Big Black is making a nice outfit out of Dmo's shirt and my Hambo hat.

740 - Flatulence.

8pm - RF drops Ostrowe off at home in order to shower before the after party at Casa de Joyce.

The after party sadly was not part of the running diary, as I was way too winded by that point to keep writing, and it just would have been a big drunken mess anyway. Suffice to say there were numerous games of beer pong played, numerous bowls of Mrs. Joyce's chili enjoyed and JMac was apopleptic about his socks falling off. Also, plans were made to enjoy French Toast for the French Open at Rick's house the following day, which was highlighted by both JMac and Ostrowe passing out, and JMac waking up and proclaiming "I'm gonna hurl" before getting up and doing just that.

As for the Belmont itself, after all the excitement of Preakness, it was a bit of a letdown. Not to say it wasn't a phenomenal time, there's just something about being able to enjoy sitting in the infield boozing while the races go on around you. And Big Brown was a big letdown, which just goes to show you that anything with "Big" followed by a color in the name is best avoided. Until next time ladies and gentlemen, may the god bless you for ever.

Buffalo Wild Wings Opening Day: The Running Diary

2008-05-20T23:45:00.003-04:00

Disclaimer: This should have been posted several months ago. Due to the fact that it was not, along with the facts that I was quite hammered during the events that took place and that there were multiple people writing entries, the meaning behind some of the entries has been lost to time. I hold myself entirely responsible for this, as I let my personal life get entirely out of control. Regardless of whatever cinnamon chewing gum related problems I was dealing with at the time, I plain and simple dropped the ball. So please enjoy this post for what it is, not for what it could have been.

For several months, Dmo and I had been anticipated the arrival of a Buffalo Wild Wings franchise at the Palisades Mall. Dmo had been to several and regaled me with stores of numerous beers on tap, and endless nights of NTN trivia, not to mention 18 different flavors of wing. Needless to say, I was enthralled when I heard the news that it would be opening in the mall, and my friend Jen would be working there. Thanks to her insider information, I was turned on to the fact that the first 100 customers would be on the receiving end of free wings for a year. I had planned on getting there at about 10am on opening day, Sunday October 7, 2007, until I talked to her at 9pm the night before, at which point she informed me I'd better get there early. Upon relaying the news to Dmo, he claims he'll be getting there at 7am. I am highly skeptical about this, but nonetheless set my alarm for 7.

651AM - Dmo calls - false alarm {Ed. note: I no longer remember what this was in reference to. Expect a lot of those.}

707 - Dmo calls; he is already at the mall.

709 - I inadvertantly stab myself with the pen trying to write the previous entry; its too fucking early.

810 - Finally depart my house.

820 - Call Dmo from the deli to see if he wants anything. He asks for a copy of the Post and reports that he is one of ten people there.

837 - Arrive at Buffalo Wild Wings to find Dmo nowhere in sight.

838 - Dmo emerges from Evelyn's anus (aka the pisser)

843 - Three nerdy emo guys show up with the board game Risk and a sign up sheet. Good thing someone came prepared.

844 - Some asian guy opens up the gate & gets cheers and applause; one of the nerdy emo kids mentions Ric Flair, so we start talking to them. It turns out the head emo kid works at Hot Topic and they all came here last night at 11pm to wait on line. Once they realized they were the only ones here they decided to leave and come back this morning. They then invite us to partake in their game of Risk.

850 - We give up on Risk after realizing that no one knows how to play.

854 - Dmo was smart enough to bring a pack of cards so we decide to introduce the emo kids to Korean Rummy.

858 - A hot chick shows up with a guy in a Tom Brady jersey. He's so handsome his jersey alone can get chicks.

913 - After attempting to buy a Tom Brady jersey, Dmo and I decide to call Sars and see what he is up to. Since the answer is "nothing" he decides to join us on line.

926 - Rutgers is the birthplace of college football, and also the alma mater of 2 of the emo kids.

939 - Sars arrives, out of breath from sprinting to get here after Dmo and I told him there were already 95 people on line.
Sars:"You guys are fucking assholes"
No one disagrees.

1015 - A whole lot of nothing has been going on; one of the emo kids mentions this is the stupidest thing he's ever done. For me its not even close.

1018 - After a trip to Dunkin' Donuts to get coffee for himself and a strawberry frosted donut for me, Sars makes the rookie mistake of bringing back a sprinkle covered donut. I reluctantly choke it down.

1030 - The line forms outside the gate. Everyone pretty much stays in the order of their arrival.
1047 - A tiny waitress freaks out at the line: "OHMYGOD how are we going to serve all these people??"

1119 - A fat guy in a Shockey jersey standing in line in front of us keeps talking about going to Stiletto's after the games are over.

1125 - While consulting the running diary for our arrival time, Fat Shockey notices and says "I farted. You can write that down in there."

1129 - Fat Shockey farts again, claims he "once McAllistered in a strip club".

1132 - A giant buffalo comes out and dances for the crowd.

1137 - Fat Shockey: "The buffalo touched me." Somewhere in the distance, Chris Hanson readies a plate of cookies.

1149 - Slow clap breaks out; BWW staff bursts into cheers.

1201 - The gate opens and we take seats at the bar so we can get served on by Tiki. Dmo gets the first beer in the history of BWW - West Nyack.

1208 - This is gonna get sloppy. Tiki Barber's real name is Paulina; she's Eastern European and speaks a heavily accented English, thus making her even hotter.

1210 - Dmo gets the first wings in the history of BWW - West Nyack.

1243 - In regards to the thick bartender, one of us comments: "She's no Tiki Barber. She's more of a Brandon Jacobs." ("one of us" = me)

At some point between the previous entry and the next entry, Rick and Tara arrived and Rick took over the writing of the running diary, as it was obvious I would soon be in no shape to do so. Please to enjoy.

1255 - For the second time we are featured in The Crawl.

105 - BWW first week jitters. {No idea what this is in reference to. Possibly the poor TV management, possibly the piss poor service which still persists to this day if you are sitting anywhere besides the bar.}

107 - BWW is in an uproar as TVs are completely retarded.

110 - Ostrowe spent two years banging Caroline in the bathroom so he could watch the Panthers with ease. Now he is standing trying to get the Panthers on TV with no success.

112 - Brian Dawkins vs. Tiki Barber is an excellent matchup {Personally I think Tiki wins hands down}

119 - We split up as there is not enough room at the bar for everyone.

125 - No Panthers still. What the fuck is this??? Ostrowe is walking around futilely.

130 - The manager is avoiding Ostrowe.

135 - Dmo is Evelyn! {I have no idea what this means.}

137 - A Dolphins player (Trent Green) gets taken off on a stretcher, which leads to a Mike Utley/Dennis Byrd talk with the guy next to me. He was at the Dennis Byrd game. I don't have the heart to tell him I was in Kindergarten at the time.

139 - The waitress hates us because we don't order anything.

147 - Ostrowe left the bar ten minutes ago to watch the Panthers and now the Panthers are on three TVs.

152 - Moro gets the sampler.

2pm - I hate people like Lauren who put their name on the jersey. And don't put your first name on it.
Upside down writing courtesy of Tara: "Tom Brady neebs B haircut <3 Tara"
Ostrowe text:"David Car (sic) sucks"

207 - Seats open at the bar and we sprint there with Moro's food.

209 - The bartender asks us if we need anything. Since there is a Pizza Hut commercial on I ask her for Pizza Hut. She is not amused. {Rick is a gentleman}

215 - Some workers have capital letter names, some have lowercase, symptomatic of the overall confusion permeating the BWW staff. GENNET screams her name at everyone.

217 - The Panthers are playing good defense.

220 - Why was Terry here at 7am? He was just getting to bed.

227 - Sars tells Tiki she is beautiful in Polish.

230 - Eli 3/10 22 yards 0.0 rating {Ladies and gentlemen, your Super Bowl XLII MVP!!!}

232 - Tara is the Captain of the basketball team. Moro therefore must be a gentleman and pay for her drink.

235 - Sars continues to flirt in Poland {I think he meant "Polish"}

237 - Ostrowe tries to call me but noisy bar to noisy bar does not make for a very clear conversation. He walks over to tell me to order a Bacon Cheddar Burger on Sars' tab.

240 - Sars asks the waitress if she has a kid so they can go see the Spongebob Squarepants movie

242 - Sars is getting his Polish information for his flirtation from his friend Julie via text

245 - Ostrowe walks away from the bar with a pint of Cherry Wheat in his pocket.

247 - Sars asks Tiki, "Do you have a boyfriend?" She answers yes :(

3pm - Sars is trying to figure out how to say "If you get pregnant I'll pay for the abortion."

301 - Moro takes a bite of his Mild Wings and they turn out to be Wild. That'll get the sand out of your vagina. This quickly becomes a Moro-ism along the lines of "Beep Bop Boop Bip"

303 - Moro is calling Evelyn as usual. "Well, well, well Mr. Mohr." {Quote not attributed to anyone, nor is context mentioned}

310 - Tara wants to be the CEO of the Pats so she can call Tom Brady to her "office"

321 - Rick kills a potato wedge.

335 - I got distracted and I don't remember what I was going to write.

340 - Steve Smith scores a TD and across the bar Ostrowe stands up and cheers

346 - Moro:"I'm a matchup genius!"
Sars:"No you're not, you are retarded. How are you undefeated!"

350 - INT Carolina. Ostrowe is ecstatic.

356 - Bartender needs a Richard

4pm - Our tab is falling over.

"The Jets don't befuddle but they confound" - Dick Enberg

402 - Sars goes to the bathroom and we try to run away.

404 - Kris Brown kicks a 57 yard FG with :01 seconds left to win the game.

408 - John Kasay kicks a game winning FG for Carolina. Ostrowe runs around the bar high fiving people.
Moro is a worthless slut. {Actually what I said was "worthless slug"}
The bartender asks if we have change of a $20, Sars hands her a wad of cash.
Everyone is sauced.
Ostrowe writes "Moro is a worthless slug" on the bill along with his (Moro's) phone number.

In the months since, BWW has become a routine destination for the Chain of Gentleman and associates. Thanks to its outstanding happy hour specials, selection of fine beverages, multitude of televisions and tittilating waitstaff, it has replaced Chili's and D&B's as the location of choice for mall boozing. It will undoubtedly be the site of many more running diaries to come. And since we were there when it opened, it will always hold a place in the hearts of gentlemen.

The Masters Disaster

2008-04-10T11:31:00.003-04:00

Hello friends.

As some of you may or may not know, I'm not much of a fan of golf. As a kid raised on MTV and video games, the lack of constant action was something that always turned me off. Even now as an adult I have a hard time following it. Except for the Masters. As the saying goes, it is a tradition unlike any other. As the first event of golf's Grand Slam, it holds a certain allure that all other tournaments lack. Plus its announced by Jim Nantz, who is quite handsome.

In 2003 we had the pleasure of enjoying the Masters while paying a visit to the Mar State campus in the Philadelphia suburbs. Sadly the following year Masters weekend coincided with Easter weekend, and as a result Mar State was not an option. But that was not going to stop us from celebrating. We simply decided to move the celebration to a different location, the old standby of College Park, MD. Unfortunatley I had no idea what Easter weekend would mean for traffic on the drive down.

I left at my usual departure time of noon, expecting to get there around 4 and catch the beginning of the TV coverage. It wasn't long before that plan hit a snag in the form of the Delaware Memorial Bridge. Once I got within 5 miles traffic literally was at a complete standstill. Eventually, through conversing with some of the other drivers stuck in traffic, I found out that a truck had jacknifed, completely blocking all of I-95 southbound right before the bridge. How expected.

I called Dmo to inform him of my predicament and make sure there was plenty of alcohol on hand for my arrival. He in turn informed me that he and his roommates were sitting around drinking vodka and cranberry's in honor of the Masters. With traffic moving incrementally if at all, my only hope was that there would still be some left by the time I got there.

Two hours and about 2 miles down the road later, the road was finally cleared and I made it to the bridge. I don't think my speedometer dropped below 80 the rest of the trip.

When I got to College Park around 6pm, Poppers was already shitfaced, and Dmo was well on his way. Having had nothing to eat all day, it only took a couple of glasses before I was right there with them. I managed to catch a few minutes of golf, and eventually we had to send Jurgen out to get more vodka. It was going to be one of those nights.

As if to bring this point home, sometime after dark I got a call from Jim$, who was in the DC area for "business" and decided to stop by to hang out. I informed him that we would be heading to Officer Ying's, right off campus, and that he should meet us there. Once Jurgen returned with the booze, he immediately started partaking, so we had to get BP to drive us. You know its going to be an odd night when BP is the only sober one.

Jurgen was riding shotgun and decided it would be a good idea to start calling everyone in his cell phone on the ride to Officer Ying. Once he got to Chubbs, Dmo Poppers and I started chanting, "CHUBBS IS E-NOR-MOUS!!! (CLAP! CLAP! CLAPCLAPCLAP!)" from the backseat. So that should give you an idea of the state we were in once we got to Officer Ying's. Upon our arrival we were informed that all there was to drink was Milwaukee's Beast, which was not going to cut it. We had a collective case of vodka fever, and the only prescription was more vodka.

The beer pong table was set up, which only infuriated me further. I began screaming out loud that beer pong was for pussies, I only wanted to play vodka pong. Dmo was not quite as discriminating, as he and Officer Ying once again took up the mantle of Team Sandwich, a veritable beer pong juggernaut. Tonight was not their night though, as they proceeded to get their asses handed to them by whoever it was they played. I'm sure Dmo's vodka-addled state probably played a part in this.

Eventually one of Officer Ying's roommates grew tired of our incessant bitching and found us a bottle of vodka. Jurgen and I ran upstairs, and I took the opportunity to showcase my drink mixing skills, making us a round of screwdrivers. I also swiped an orange from their refrigerator and cut slices to dress the cups, somehow managing not to cut my fingers off in the process.

By the time we made it back down, Team Sandwich had been beaten soundly, and now that we had been provided with vodka, Jurgen and I were ready to step up to the table as "The Unholy Alliance" (Boston & New York). Of course, since Jurgen is from Boston, he failed to hold up his side of the bargain, and I had to completely carry the team. Jurgen was in such bad shape that at one point he knocked his screwdriver on the floor, shattering the glass into pieces. I reacted to this by tearing my shirt off, throwing it to the floor and declaring myself to be "The Bad Guy", complete with Razor Ramon hand gestures and fake Cuban accent.

It was around this time that Jim$ showed up. I'm not sure when exactly as my concept of time was completely fucked at this point, but it wasn't long after Jim$ got there that Jurgen decided we should all go to the bars, with Jim$ leading the way. And it wasn't long after we walked out the door that Jurgen completely disappeared from sight. Undaunted, we continued on to Bentley's, where Jim$ kept feeding Dmo and I shots like it was going out of style. Despite this, a few highlights stick out in my mind.

The first would be Jim$ and I grinding against some girl on the dancefloor who Imus would have described as a "nappy-headed ho". The second would be Dmo pointing out then University of Maryland basketball stars Travis Garrison and Jamar Smith, who I decided it would be a good idea to go up and talk to. Sadly I have no idea what the hell I said to either of them, but they and their posse all found it hilarious. Either that or the fact that I had my shirt on inside out as a result of my drunken attempt to put it back on during vodka pong. The final thing that stands out was some kid with a weird accent trying to recruit Dmo and I to the rugby team, at which poin I told him I always wanted to play rugby and gave him a fake number at which to give me a call.

After Bentley's we went to Cornerstone, which I don't remember at all, then finally Ratsie's to get something to eat. After Ratsie's we went to Ole Mel's dorm on campus to spend the night, since none of us were in any shape to drive back. The last thing I remember is passing out in her roommate Dontrelle Willis's bed. So it came as as quite a shock the next morning when I woke up somewhere completely unrecognizable.

My first thought was that I was in Ed O'Neill's basement, but seeing as there was light coming in through the window I knew that couldn't be the case. It wasn't long before I began to hear familiar voices and realized I was in the common room of Ole Mel's dorm. I followed the voices to Ole Mel's room to find Jim$ in Dontrelle's bed. When I asked what the hell happened, Ole Mel explained that I had gotten up around 5am and attempted to urinate in the closet, which caused her to start screaming at me that the bathroom was outside. I disappeared and never came back, and I have no idead if I ever made it to the bathroom. A half hour after my disappearance, Jim$ was rousted from his resting place in one of her suitemates' beds when the girl came home and, not knowing who the hell he was, started screaming at him to get the hell out. That was when Jim$ took my place in Dontrelle's bed. After Ole Mel relayed this story to all of us, I mentioned that I had a vague recollection of being yelled at at Ratsie's, which Jim$ confirmed as having taken place.

Apparently I became infuriated when Jim$, who ordered after me, got his food first, and as a result crumpled up my receipt and threw it on the ground in disgust. I then proceeded to go up to the counter every time a new order was up and attempt to claim it as my own, which caused the guy behind the counter to start screaming at me that I had to show him my receipt in order to get the food. According to Jim$, when I finally got my food, a Philly Cheesesteak, I stopped halfway through and exclaimed to no one in particular, "This doesn't taste like pizza." When Jim$, clearly perplexed, responded, "What?", I had no choice but to repeat mysef.

"This doesn't taste like pizza; this tastes like Philly Cheesesteak."

After a sobering breakfast at the Bagel Place, we returned to Seven Springs and got some much needed sleep in actual beds. When Jurgen finally returned late in the day, his face was covered in cuts and bruises. He had exited stage left when the rest of us headed to the bars and gone to his girlfriend's house, where he threw up numerous times. He had no recollection of this, he only knew this because when he woke up in the morning, his face was hanging off the bed in a garbage can.

The rest of the weekend remained uneventful, save for the tournament itself. Jurgen had planned on making a nice Easter dinner for everyone, but after Friday night's debacle he no longer had the inclination. Regardless I enjoyed my Easter dinner of hero sandwiches from 7/11. None of us boozed for the rest of the weekend, so we were all completely sober to witness the final round, in which Phil Mickelson won his first tournament. And though we were all still pretty beat up, it didn't stop us from leaping off the couch to celebrate. I don't think I'll ever forget the weekend Lefty donned the green jacket for the first time. At least, the parts of it I was sober for.

Yet Another Perfect Situation

2008-04-03T22:38:00.003-04:00

One of the many incarnations of the Piccinich Effect:

Waiting your whole life to meet a girl that understands you, that has the same sense of humor, that shares the same interests, that is loyal, that is attractive, that finds you attractive, that you can talk on the phone with for hours at a time and by the time you are done neither one of you wants to get off, then finding out that she has a kid, she's in love with and dating a guy that treats her like shit, and she's such good friends with your disgusting pig of an ex-girlfriend that she would never screw her over by dating her ex.

Shit like this is why emo is not going away anytime soon.

Wrestlemania 24 Running Diary

2008-04-02T23:02:00.003-04:00

The WrestleMania running diary is a tradition like many many others. I was on the fence about even doing one this year, as the rising cost of the PPV combined with my growing apathy towards professional wrestling, not to mention the Davidson/Kansas game led me to think it just wasn't worth it. However, upon viewing the majesty of the Citrus Bowl online prior to the grandaddy of them all, and finding out the show would be aired at BWW, I felt almost obligated to attend. And thus a yearly tradition was saved.

This year's big draws are the Big Show taking on boxer Floyd Mayweather, and Ric Flair vs HBK in a match that, should Flair lose, will (allegedly) be his last. Aside from that there's your standard title matches, and yet another Money in the Bank match. So it promises to be a pretty lackluster show. Promising to spice things up however is Anfron, who hasn't watched wrestling since the days of the Ultimate Warrior.

734pm - I arrive at BWW with the Money in the Bank match already in progress, and it shortly becomes clear that I have underestimated the draw of the grandaddy of them all as the bar is packed and I am forced to grab a table in the bar area, which unfortunately means waiter service.

736 - My waiter is Woody, an MC who gets confused when I ask him what the drink specials are. This is not going to be good for business. Meanwhile, Shelton Benjamin jumps off the top of the ladder through a ladder bridging the gap between the ring and guardrail in a repeat of Jeff Hardy's spot from last year.

737 - Joey Styles refers to John Morrison, formerly known as Johnny Nitro, as "The Shaman of Sexy". . . really?

739 - CM Punk and Carlito leap off the ropes onto the ladders; while writing that I miss whatever caused the assembled BWW crowd to go "OOOOOO"

740 - Matt Hardy, who is apparently not in the match and has been out with an injury (who knew?), runs in to stop MVP from winning.

741 - The BWW crowd is rabid; I might have to come here for every PPV just for the sheer entertainment factor. Meanwhile, as Carlito and Chris Jericho battle atop the ladder, Carlito bites off a chunk of apple and spits it in Jericho's face. That's cool.

744 - The nerdy guy sitting in front of me breaks into a round of applause as CM Punk wins the Money in the Bank match.

747 - The nerdy guy applauds the appearance of HHH's face during a pre-match promo; There is a waitress wearing a Channing Frye Knicks jersey - I didn't even know they made those. My food arrives as I am writing the last two points.

802 - The Big Jack Daddy Burger was delicious. In the time between my last post and now, Anfron has arrived, there was a comedy skit involving Snoop Dogg, Santino Marella and Mick Foley, and Umaga vs. Batista started. Also, happy hour kicked in, so Woody brought us a couple of Buddy C's.

806 - This beer is delicious and this match is awful.

807 - Batista wins - whatever.

812 - Time for the ECW title match, in which champion and two time wellness policy violator Chavo Guerrero is defending against Kane. According to Joey Styles, Chavo is a warrior.

813 - ECW announcer Taz on Chavo: "This is not his first BBQ." No shit, he's Mexican.

814 - Kane just appears in the ring, chokeslams Chavo and wins the title. Goes to show how seriously they take ECW.

816 - Carlito is being attacked by a bird in some stupid commercial. For the life of me I can't imagine why they would need to show a commercial for something we are already watching during the broadcast.

817 - Raven-Symone is ENORMOUS. She is out to announce that 50 kids from the Make-A-Wish foundation are in the audience.
Raven-Symone:"Stand up you guys!"
Ostrowe:". . . Those of you that can."

820 - Anfron spots an Asian and proclaims his desire to bang her right in the ass.

821 - Anfron expresses shock that HBK/Flair isn't the main event.
Anfron:"Wait, its Flair's last match? Why isn't that closing the show?"

823 - Mike Adamle wonders if the American Gladiators people have his number, and if they do why they're not calling.

826 - The Asian comes over to us to promote Sam Adams beer and give us free raffle tickets for a Yankee game; Anfron freezes up and is too nervous to make a move. In the meantime our beers have been empty for like 10 minutes and Woody is nowhere in sight. I forgot how much the service in here sucks if you're not sitting at the bar.

828 - The shirt the asian gave me is a large, which is not going to fit me in any way, shape or form. Speaking of large, they show David Flair in the crowd and he looks like he has been on the same diet as Raven-Symone.

830 - "Oh my god Flair is so old" - I don't remember who said this, but it could pretty much be attributed to everyone watching this around the world.

831 - Flair can barely move doing his strut around the ring.

833 - I glance over at the NTN trivia screen and learn that Canadian Bacon comes from the loin of the pig. Who says you can't learn anything watching professional wrestling?

834 - Apparently Flair's off the top rope move worked. Sadly I wasn't paying attention to see it happen.

835 - HBK lands sternum-first on the sharp edge of the announce table; he may have lacerated his spleen with that maneuver.

837 - Flair can barely lift HBK up for a suplex; JR calls it "perfectly executed."

839 - "Pacey" finally brings us our beers. I don't wanna wait, for this match to be over, I want to booze right now, why can't you seeeeeee.

846 - HBK hits sweet chin music out of nowhere, sadly he can't capitalize.

849 - HBK has Flair in the figure 4. Hopefully Vinnie Mac comes down and tells the timekeeper to ring the bell.

850 - Another superkick, then HBK apologizes before hitting another and pins Flair, cradling his head like a newborn baby afterwards.

853 - A smattering of applause breaks out in the bar for Flair's final match. In other news I want to stab the manager sitting next to me in the throat with the running diary pen.

856 - Edge delivers an awesome promo about losing his innocence at WrestleMania 6 in Toronto. I'm not even going to try to do it justice by recapping it here. Ok, I'm just too lazy to.

858 - A random fireworks display signifies that the Playboy Bunnymania match is next.

901 - Guest Master of Ceremonies Snoop takes his sweet ass time driving down to the ring in a golf cart. I wonder who's entrance will be longer, his or Undertaker's?

905 - The Sam Adams people announce the winner of the Yankee tickets: the Hasidic guy who walked in at the last music. Hava Nagila!

909 - What's going to be the bigger clusterfuck, this match or the Big Show vs. Mayweather?

911 - The lights go out at the Citrus Bowl; luckily (or not) the WWE has spotlights for the ring so people can still see the matches. Aside from the ring and the entranceway though, the rest of the stadium is plunged into darkness.

913 - The evil chicks win; again, who cares?

915 - The Triple Threat WWE championship match is next? That must mean Big Show/Mayweather is the main event.

919 - John Cena gets played down to the ring by a marching band. Weak.

923 - NERDS!!!! The nerdy guy sitting in front of us has been joined by a young asian nerd who came with his mom. I can't believe the other one's parents let him out of the house by himself.

925 - Randy Orton (the champ) and HHH get normal intros, which is probably not a good sign; Anfron asks who Cena and Orton are.

934 - There's a lot of stuff going on in the match but nothing really worth noting.

936 - The asian nerd gets upset at Cena locking Orton into the STFU.

939 - The nerds LOSE THEIR SHIT as HHH puts the Crippler Crossface on Cena. The way they reacted you would've thought it was the end of the world . . . of warcraft.

941 - Anfron and I decide to split a Chili Queso Burger. No homo.

942 - Orton wins and the nerds leap out of their seats in horror.

948 - Big Show vs. Mayweather is on next? Before Edge vs. Undertaker? Really?

956 - As I start complaining about Mayweather wearing gloves I realize I sound like one of the nerds and quickly shut up.

958 - Mayweather stops the match to sip from a pimp cup and Big Show retaliates by beating up one of his "posse" (probably an indy wrestler)

1002 - Mayweather's manager keeps screaming "You Can't Do That!!" at Big Show.

1005 - Mayweather tries to leave and Big Show drags him back to the ring.

1007 - Mayweather puts on a pair of brass knucks and decks Big Show, knocking him out for the ten count.
Asian Nerd:"NOOOO!!!"

1011 - Kim Kardashian is the guest ring announcer for . . . something. I really didn't need to see her ass in HD.

1015 - Undertaker's intro starts as the asian nerd declares, "That man is a hero."

1017 - This is so gay.

1019 - Smackdown announcer Michael Cole calls this "awe-inspiring." Its inspiring something alright, but I don't think awe is the right word.

1020 - Undertaker's intro is over. Only five minutes this year. They must be short on time.

1023 - Vickie Guerrero, the late Eddie Guerrero's wife and storyline fiance of Edge/Smackdown general manager, is fucking hideous.

1028 - I'm barely paying attention to this match. I still can't believe its the main event.

1031 - The nerds applaud Taker's leap over the top rope.

1038 - I question the fat waitress who has replaced Woody as our server as to why she is wearing Paulina's name tag, and she responds that she let another girl borrow hers and Paulina is her best friend so Paulina lent her hers. Unfortunately while she is giving me her life story I neglect to ask her if Paulina is single.

1040 - The older nerd is very upset at Edge superplexing the Undertaker.

1042 - The asian nerd can't believe Taker's Last Ride Powerbomb only gets a two count.

1044 - And the referee is down!!
Smackdown announcer Coach: "That's unfortunate."

1045 - Edge abuses a cameraman for no reason, because that's what bad guys do!

1046 - The nerds can't believe the Tombstone only gets a 2 count. No joke, someone in the BWW crowd yells out "He's winded!" and its not me or Anfron.

1047 - Same guy as before:"He's still winded from that run!"
Edge spears the Undertaker for the second time; Asian Nerd:"Oh No!"

1048 - Undertaker gets the win and the World Title (different from the WWE Title) with a weird looking submission move & BWW breaks into a round of applause.

As WrestleManias go, this was a pretty enjoyable time, but I've gotta think that was mostly due to the BWW crowd, particularly the two nerds in front of us. I could watch the two of them interact for hours at a time and be entertained. The show itself though left a lot to be desired. The Flair/HBK match was passable, Mayweather/Big Show was entertaining for what it was, and Money in the Bank delivered, at least what I saw of it anyway. Other than that, I couldn't help but feel that if I had stayed home, there was nothing I would've missed.

A Crazy Game of Concert

2008-02-18T14:23:00.009-05:00

At some point during the summer of 2007, I was sitting in Fitzy's with Anfron and Moro when "Crazy Game of Poker" came on and I casually mentioned that I'd lilke to see the song performed live. Anfron responded by informing me that OAR would be playing at PNC on August 11, and that he was looking for someone to go with. So that was all the motivation i needed. For those of you who aren't familiar with Anfron, here's a quick introduction.

Originally the plan was to meet up with some chick that he knew from down by PNC and spend the night with her and her hopefully hot friends. But that plan was aborted when Anfron got back with his ex, "TheWolf", who would now be coming to the concert with us. Upon hearing this news I began mentally preparing myself for the worst. The two of them have broken up and gotten back together more than George Steinbrenner and Billy Martin, and its a rare occasion when they are spotted together not fighting. Throw in a ton of alcohol and a rowdy concert crowd, and you have yourself the makings of quite the running diary.

122pm - Anfron calls and tells me to be ready at 3 for the concert, which starts at 8, assuring us plenty of tailgating time.

300 - Anfron calls and says to be ready in a half hour, and to bring a football.

338 - Anfron shows up without missing the driveway, an impressive feat for someone driving to my house for the first time. He is accompanied by TheWolf and some random kid named Jon, who will henceforth be referred to as "JohnnyRandom". He also sends me on a wild goose chase for ping pong balls so that we can play beer pong in the parking lot.

345 - Anfron and TheWolf begin arguing about Dunkin Donuts. She wanted to stop for an iced coffee and he wouldn't let her because they were already running late. Now she wants him to stop at the first rest stop and get one. He steadfastly refuses.

350 - After stopping at the first rest stop, Anfron calls from inside because the line is too long and he refuses to wait.

357 - TheWolf: "Do they step on your feet?"
No one has any idea what she is talking about, until she finally explains that she was worried about her feet gettting stepped on at the concert, so she wore sneakers. Still that was not enough to allay her concerns.

404 - Traffic is quite a pickle.

406 - 30 Seconds to Mars comes on the radio.
Ostrowe:"I hate these guys."
TheWolf:"I'll leave this on."

414 - After asking me if I knew her friend from South, and me explaining that I did not, but I knew her from work, TheWolf responds "You don't work at TTC!" Oh how I wish that statement were true.

419 - I start stirring the pot.
Ostrowe:"I'm glad I had some iced coffee before we left"
TheWolf:"Fuck you Ostrowe, that's not funny"

442 - Yet another iced coffee argument.
Anfron:"We're late, I can't believe you're making me stop"
TheWolf:"The gates don't open till 5, Jen told me so"
Anfron:"Jen's fucking stupid"
TheWolf:"Don't call my friends stupid!"

444 - We stop at a rest stop that has a Krispy Kreme so Anfron can go inside and get an iced coffee.

449 - TheWolf:"This is terrible, I'm not drinking this"
Anfron:"Well you're not getting another one"

5pm - Passing by a truck that says Coachmen, TheWolf mistakes it for "Cockman"

505 - Arrive at PNC a shade under three hours prior to the concert; it is already packed with tailgaters, most of whom appear to still be in high school.

513 - I receive a call from Power inviting me to a kegger in Pearl River; he claims it will still be going on after the concert is over.

515 - Anfron fires up the grill.

525 - Some guy comes by handing out stickers; I grab one that says "FedSex - When You Absolutely Need to Get it Overnight"; its still hanging on my desk at TTC to this day.

545 - Event staff makes us move so someone else can park; event staff blows.

558 - Some 12 year old kid walks by and someone in our group asks "How's Junior High?"; someone = me. A scalper walks by yelling "Tickets?", Anfron responds "Titties?"

628 - Anfron starts blasting KISS from the car stereo as the assorted high schoolers look on in horror.
Another Scalper:"Tickets?"
Ostrowe:"Mooncrickets?"

632 - The sun is not a gentleman.
Anfron:"I wish the moon were here. The moon is a gentleman"

633 - Some guy comes by selling his CD; the best excuse I can come up with not to buy one is "I don't . . . have any . . . really . . . cash"; in other news, I'm retarded.

635 - Anfron (to TheWolf):"Why don't you show your titties?"

637 - Ostrowe:"(TheWolf), you have chicken on your face"
TheWolf:"Which one?"

653 - Anfron starts blasting some Billy Fucking Joel as the high schoolers start to run and hide.

710 - Anfron tries to get TheWolf to deep throat some broccolli; she is game and proves to be fairly successful.

717 - JohnnyRandom almost kills a girl with the football as we are tossing it around the parking lot.

737 - Some random, also named Jon, has spent the past 10 minutes hanging out with us; apparently he's going to TheWolf's bodysculpting competition in a few weeks and he's going to take us all to Seaside afterwards.

738 - A limo goes by and an argument ensues as to whether Jim$ or 15 year old girls are inside. Eventually we determine that its both.

740 - TheWolf:"You're like a police officer stop fucking writing shit"

744 - Some dumbass kid either doesn't see the sign or thinks he's short enough to make it under and smacks his face on it. He looks around to make sure no one saw it and I helpfully point out what a dumbass he is to anyone who missed it. I'm a gentleman.

747 - Some guy walks by with brown stains all over his ass; at this point its anyone's guess as to what those stains are.

751 - The second time's the charm as JohnnyRandom nails a girl with the football, causing her to spill her beer all over herself.

757 - First MC sighting. That makes one more than at the Toby Keith concert a few weeks earlier.

808 - In a development that's certainly not going to be good for business, TheWolf has been sitting in the car sulking for the past 7 minutes. I do not envy Anfron right now.

816 - Anfron emerges from the car and proclaims he needs to drink more, followed by TheWolf demanding he give her the keys so she can drive home. Seeing where this is going, I grab my and JohnnyRandom's tickets and tell TheWolf I'll get my stuff back when we get back to Rockland. After several minutes of her and Anfron staring holes through each other without saying anything, she finally proclaims she's not going to drive home because "I wouldn't do that to my friends"

828 - JohnnyRandom and I finally get in to the show, leaving Anfron and TheWolf in the parking lot fighting with each other.

835 - Due to the amount of underage kids we are only allowed to purchase one beer at a time. Also, we have to buy bracelets that can only be stamped three times before we have to either buy a new one or can't have any more to drink. Ostensibly this is done so no one can buy booze for the underage kids.

839 - JohnnyRandom and I make a deal with some 17 year olds and agree to buy them beer in exchange for a fee.

As is usually the case with running diaries that take place when I am drinking, there is a huge gap of time without a single entry. I do know that between this entry and the next one, Anfron and TheWolf arrived, and met us, and for some reason Anfron let TheWolf hold on to his phone. File that under "foreshadowing".

The opening band was Augustana, and there was absolutely nothing noteworthy about them, save for their lone hit, "Boston", and even the performance of that song was pretty lackluster.

930 - OAR finally comes onstage, and Drunk Anfron loses his fucking mind and starts running around and high fiving people like the Giants just won the Super Bowl.

937 - Anfron gets up and runs around high fiving more people.

941 - Anfron disappears into the ether.

942 - Anfron returns

945 - Anfron gets so excited he falls backwards over the seats and knocks TheWolf's sunglasses off, prompting yet another hissy fit.

947 - Anfron disappears again, this time for good.
Unfortunately I didn't mark the times of much that happened after that, but it wasn't long before the shit really hit the fan.

Anfron starts getting texts from someone asking where he is. Of course, he can't answer cause TheWolf has his phone. What complicates matters more was that in this case "someone" = the girl he was supposed to meet at the concert. TheWolf is none too pleased with this.

She immediately starts texting the girl back, asking who the hell she is and why she was texting her boyfriend. It didn't help matters that the girl texted back, "Anfron broke up with his girlfriend" and "You better keep an eye on your man". This of course sent TheWolf into hysterics. As entertaining as it was to watch this girl become completely unhinged, I was fucked because JohnnyRandom had disappeared as well, and she turned to me for comfort. I could barely keep a straight face as I told her there was absolutely nothing going on between Anfron and this girl, and that she was probably misreading things. Eventually she managed to calm down, but not before threatening to get her friends to beat up this girl, threatening to get her friends to beat up Anfron, and unleashing this gem:

TheWolf:"You're such a good guy. I knew I should've hooked up with you when we met"
Ostrowe:" . . . Uhhhhhh . . . no"
TheWolf:"I know, I wouldn't want to ruin you guys's friendship"
Ostrowe:". . .Yeah . . ." (At this point I start plotting to kill Anfron for making me put up with this)

Around 1030 I got up to go to the bathroom, and hopefully get away from TheWolf. She was not having that though.

TheWolf:"Please don't leave me! I don't want to be alone!"
Ostrowe:(silently cursing Anfron)

1040 - While I'm still in the bathroom taking a piss, "Crazy Game of Poker" comes on. The one fucking song I came to see, and it comes on when I'm taking a piss. I now start hoping Anfron gets crushed by a falling concert speaker.

The rest of the concert itself was fairly uneventful. After "Crazy Game of Poker" they played one more song before the encore, and by the time they got halfway thru with the second song ("Love & Memories", the only other song I would've cared to see) we were already in the parking lot on our way back to the car. We had managed to meet up with JohnnyRandom on the way out, and now were missing only Anfron. At this point I could've cared less if we left him in Jersey, and I'm pretty sure TheWolf felt the same way. Which leads us to our final entry:

1125 - We get back to the car to find Anfron already there; when TheWolf confronts him about the texts, the only word out of his mouth is "Titties".

The ride back was an event in itself. After about a ten minute strech in which Anfron just repeated "Titties" over and over again, he finally passed out. TheWolf raged like a maniac on the ride home, swerving all over the road and threatening all sorts of revenge on Anfron. I was literally in fear for my life. At one point she even unleashed this threat towards me:

TheWolf:"Don't even try calling or texting him to let him know what he's in for tomorrow! I have his phone!"

Somehow I made it home in one piece even with Glen Close in Fatal Attraction behind the wheel. Sadly, but to no surprise, the keggar had long since ended. I later found out from Anfron that he did meet up with that chick and wound up hooking up with her. Being the gentleman that he is, he also apologized profusely for the fact that I had to put up with TheWolf, and I of course accepted. Amazingly, the two of them are still together.

I was not an OAR fan when I decided to go to the show, and their performance did nothing to change my mind. Given the situation though, I would be willing to give them a second chance. After all, it was a Crazy Game of Concert.

Don't Go Looking For Snakes You Might Find Them

2008-02-04T00:54:00.001-05:00

America loves an underdog story. There's nothing better to us than someone fighting through all the odds to make the seemingly impossible come true. Even better if those odds can be personified in a big bad adversary to take down along the way. And nowhere is this personified more than in the world of sports.

There's nothing better than seeing a team come out of nowhere to take down the unbeatable favorite. Holding them off the whole way, only to weaken at the last moment before pulling through on some miraculous play at the end. Hmmm, that sounds familiar . . . where did I see something like that? Oh yeah, the Super Bowl.

Six years ago.

That's right sports fans, it wasn't that long ago that the Patriots were that underdog. They were that David battling the hated Goliath. They were the team that galvinized our nation and had everyone behind them. How quickly things change.

You see, since our country's inception, America has been obsessed with celebrity. One needs only to look at our first president to realize this. But the obsession has always had a dark side, as obsessions tend to do. And a lot of that has to do with the nature of celebrity itself.

Celebrity is like a weird kind of drug. I know its a cliched comparison but bear with me. There are some who can live without it, but most would do anything to get a taste. And once you get a taste, you'll do anything you can to get your hands on more. And on it goes, until you've reached the point of oversaturation. Which is what happened to the Patriots.

They started out as everybody's underdog. But when the underdog keeps winning, it becomes the favorite. And that's when people start to turn on you. Call it jealousy, call it a desire for something new, but that's what happened. Maybe they brought it on themselves too. They let the fame and the accolades get to their heads, they got too good too fast. Whatever it was, the American public wanted to see them get taken down. And this Sunday, they got their wish.

I'm not sure I like the message this says about our culture. "Its ok to be good, but don't try to be great, cause everyone's gonna turn on you." Then again, that might be what makes true greatness. The ability to perservere despite everyone rooting for you to fail. But I guess the Patriots will never know.

Now, all of this is just talk, as the fact still remains that the New York Giants are your Super Bowl Champions. So congratulations to all you Giants fans out there. Just don't get too comfy at the top. There's an entire nation waiting to drag you back down.

Maryland vs. Mar State: A Crazy Game of Tailgating

2007-09-03T17:14:00.002-04:00

Saturday, September 1, 2007 was the date of the opening game for the University of Maryland football squad. Since this year they would be opening against Villanova I invited Anfron, a distinguished Nova alum. Seeing as he had a friend from high school living down there in addition to a desire to see the game, he was happy to make the trip.

For those unfamiliar with Anfron, or his performance at this year's Preakness, here's a quick introduction. He is a fairly normal guy the majority of the time, and gets a solid amount of chicks. When he is sober. When he is drunk, Anfron is probably the worst out of all of us. He is prone to wandering off for hours at a time only to reappear mumbling incoherant nonsense. The worst thing about it is it comes out of nowhere. One second he's fine and then the next its like someone flipped a switch to turn him into Drunk Anfron. So throwing him into a scenario involving a solid six hours of tailgating in scorching heat is a recipe for disaster.

The tailgate started out strong with a solid group of 8 departing from Gaithersburg in two cars: Anfron, myself and Poppers in the SUV; Jurgen, Peg, Eddie O, Dmo and BP in the Jurgenmobile. Once we arrived in the Comcast Center parking lot, home base for our tailgating festivities, we were joined by Jim$, who had just been flown in via his personal helicopter.

We had a nice set up, with a tent between the two cars maximizing the amount of shade for those of us who wanted to enjoy the DirectTv satellite hookup, a table for the grill and foodstuffs, and an arena for Cornhole set up right next door. As the day went on, we were joined by more and more revelers. Mostly dudes of course, despite the combined chick recruiting efforts of both Peg and Anfron.

As it got closer to game time, I noticed Anfron had been replaced by Drunken Anfron. This was discernable by the fact that his vocabulary had slimmed down to three phrases ("Titties", "You're a bitch" and "You hook-a") and the fact that he was now shirtless and flipping off no one in particular while unable to keep his tongue in his mouth (as seen in the accompanying pic from this year's Preakness).

With game time quickly approaching and the tailgate beginning to close up shop, Anfron, in a typical Drunken Anfron move, disappeared. Shortly after I noticed this, I got a phone call from him asking where I was.

Ostrowe:"I'm still at the tailgate"
Anfron:"No you're not, I'm right next to the tailgate"
Ostrowe:"What are you talking about? I don't see you anywhere"
Anfron:"I'm right there."

He showed up a few minutes later, apparently with a strong urge to urinate, as he proceeded to unzip his pants and start peeing right next to the few slimmies who had yet to deem us too pathetic to talk to.

At this point Jim$, in his infinite wisdome, decides it is a good time to start shotgunning the few beers we have left. Of course, Drunken Anfron is easily convinced to participate. Not without incident, as he has trouble opening the can and manages to slice his finger open in the process, causing the slimmies to start freaking out at the amount of blood that is now gushing all over the place. Anfron's words of consolation for the slimmies: "I don't have fucking AIDS."

In what would turn out to be an incredibly poor decision, Dmo and I left Anfron and Jim$ at the tailgate to continue shotgunning beers while we went to the game. At the time I thought nothing of it, seeing as there were sober people around, and Jim$ didn't appear to be in that bad shape. Then about 5 minutes into the game I got a call from a number I didn't recognize. Since I was watching the game, I didn't answer and they left a voicemail. A few minutes later when I got up to go to the bathroom, I listened to the message:

"Hi Ostrowe its (Anfron's g/f), I don't really care for this bullshit that (Anfron)'s pulling with the 'Maryland police', so he calls it 'the Maryland police'. Anyway I'm with my family, tell him to stop fucking calling me cause I'm not answering the phone, this is ridiculous. I'm sure he's joking around with this arresting shit, grow up already. Goodbye."

Obviously my initial reaction was to start laughing. After I managed to regain my composure I tried calling Anfron, and of course got no answer. Then I called Jim$, who's care I had left Anfron in. He informed me that he thought Anfron left with us, and he had no idea where he was.

After I got a hold of Anfron's girlfriend, she explained the message: She had gotten a phone call from Anfron saying someone wanted to talk to her. Said person was a UMD police officer telling her that her boyfriend was about to get arrested for fighting people in the parking lot. When she informed the officer that she was in New York, he said "Then you're useless" and hung up on her. Don't you just love campus police?

When she was done informing me of all this, I told her to go back to her family, and that we would take care of it. I went and confronted Jim$ with the information she provided, and he made a call to the campus police, who responded that yes, Anfron had been taken in, but he had been released to his family. Seeing as they were about 4 hours away in Rockland, that left us completely at a loss as to where he was. He could have been wandering around the streets of College Park for all we knew. Based off his previously displayed ability to find his way back to home base no matter how drunk he is, we held out hope that he would be back at the cars when we got back. But that was not the case.

At a complete loss as to what to do, someone suggested calling in to the post game show and asking them if anyone had seen or heard from Anfron. Before we decided to do that, I called Mar in California on a hunch, hoping he might have the number of Anfron's friend from high school. He did not, but made a couple of calls and found someone who did. When Dmo called the kid and asked him if he'd seen Anfron, the kid responded, "Oh boy, have I seen Anfron."

It turned out the kid's parents happened to be walking by as Anfron was getting busted, and they managed to convince the campus police to release him to their care. They proceeded to bring him back to their hotel room and left him passed out in their bed. It was ultimately decided that since Jim$ was the one who lost him in the first place, he should be the one to pick him up. So the other two cars headed back to Gaithersburg, while Jim$ headed to the College Park Quality Inn to pick up Anfron. Despite the fact that we now knew where he was and who he was with, we still felt like we should call into the postgame show to find out if they had any additional information. Former UMD QB Scott McBrien did not prove too helpful.

Radio host:"Marty from College Park, just leaving the game, what's your question?"
Dmo:"Hey Scott, I was just wondering what you thought of Anfron's performance out there, he kinda got lost in the shuffle."
Scott McBrien:". . . Who?"
Dmo:"Anfron."
Scott McBrien:". . . You mean the Villanova quarterback?"
Dmo:"Yeah, he looked kinda lost out there."

Dmo should be commended not only on keeping himself from breaking out into a fit of laughter, but also on making them think it was an actual legitimate question. It certainly didn't hurt that the Mar State QB's name happened to be Antwan, but hearing the phone call on the radio was enough to send both cars into raging fits of laughter. Laughter which was not curtailed any by the phone call from Jim$ informing us that he could hear Anfron moving around in the hotel room but he wasn't answering the door, and that the kid's parents had given Jim$ a stern lecture for allowing Anfron to get so drunk.

When we got back to Gaithersburg, having been beaten back by the other car, we were greeted by the sight of BP vomiting in the parking garage, and the sound of an angry drunken phone call from Anfron demanding to know why he had been woken up from his nap. Eventually Jim$ brought him back to Gaithersburg, having no recollection of being arrested, and claiming he med up with the kid's parents so he could rest in their hotel room. Of course, he was singing a different tune when he woke up the next morning.

Anfron:"What the hell happened yesterday?"

Needless to say, between the tailgating festivities and the Appalachian State victory over Michigan, equaling the excitement of opening weekend will be a daunting task for the rest of the season. But I'm damn sure willing to give it a shot.

A Different Kind of July 4th Fireworks

2007-07-10T23:28:00.002-04:00

I wasn't really expecting much out of the 4th of July this year. Granted, there were rumors of a few BBQs here and there, but seeing as it fell on a Wednesday, I figured there wouldn't be much worth taking note of. Little did I know I was in for a fireworks display unlike any I'd ever seen.

I woke up around noon, having gone out the night before, and since I had stuff to take care of during the day it was around 4pm before I was even ready to go out. I gave Dmo a call and he informed me that he was at a BBQ in Nyack, and I was more than welcome to stop by. I decided to take him up on his offer, and got dressed and ready to go. Unfortunately, Mother Nature had other plans, as it started to pour as soon as I set foot out the door. While this put a crimp in my plans, it did provide me with a front seat for the hilarity that was my neighbor's friends and family abandoning their pool party and running for their cars like ants trying to get back to their queen.

I decided to wait out the storm and figured I would be waiting awhile once I heard a loud crash. I naturally assumed it was lightning, until I looked out the window and saw police lights and flares in the middle of the road. It turned out someone had lost control on the slick road surface and crashed into a utility pole. As a result, my street was completely blocked off for the better part of two hours. The accident was so bad that when the rain finally subsided and I departed around 7pm to head to the BBQ, part of the road was still blocked off.

Before heading out I contacted Rick to see if he wanted to attend. It went something like this:

Ostrowe: "Do you want me to come pick you up?"
TheRick: "How late are you planning on staying? I don't want to stay long."
Ostrowe: "I don't know. I'll drive you home when you want to leave."
TheRick: "How bout you come over here and I'll follow you there in my car."
Ostrowe: "Ok."

Why couldn't we just take one car, or better yet, meet there? Easy. We're retarded.

After we got there and met up with Dmo and Ole Mel, and said hi to another friend, "Kerry", I enjoyed a few beverages and a delicious (but cold) hamburger. After which someone, most likely Dmo, brought up the fact that Niv was back in town.

For the uniniated, Niv is quite the character. I hadn't seen him in several years, due to the fact that he had moved to Florida, allegedly to work at a golf course year round. He was back in Rockland for one night only, because he was flying to Romania the next day to meet his fiancee's parents for the first time. Read that part again. In case it didn't register, he is ENGAGED to a chick from ROMANIA, and is FLYING THERE to meet her parents. So of course, I couldn't pass up the opportunity to say hi.

Since I'd had a few, I hopped in Rick's car and we made the trip there seperate from Dmo and Ole Mel. We beat them there by a good amount of time, so we decided to pass the time by shooting bottle rockets out the car windows. In case you needed further proof, yes, we are retarded.

Once Dmo and Ole Mel arrived we went inside and were greeted by a brand new Niv, in fact a full 40 lbs lighter than the last time I saw him. Actually, Skinny Niv bore a sriking resemblence to Johnny Knoxville. After viewing pictures of the fiancee' and listening to Niv recite the few phrases he actually knew in Romanian ("Nice to meet you", "Excuse me" and "How much for this beer?"), we decided to go our seperate ways, and Rick drove me back to Nyack to get my car. That's when the real fireworks started.

Since it was a Wednesday night, that meant TheBoss was tending bar at Fitzy's. About halfway to Nyack I tried to get Rick to turn around and head back so we could pay him a visit, but he would not budge. I even tried enticing him with the lure of a barpie, but he could not be swayed off his path. Which is extremely unfortunate, since that path led us right into the side of a Toyota Corolla driven by a dumpy-assed junior at the University of Maryland who doesn't know how to drive.

I've been in car accidents before, and I've been in enough near accidents with the morons that drive around Rockland County to sense when something bad's about to happen. So when I saw the girl about to make a turn from the left hand lane directly into our oncoming path I knew it was gonna be trouble. She heistated, we kept going, then she decided she was gonna try and make it anyway, so I put my hands on the dashboard and braced myself for the crash. Thankfully we weren't going that fast. However, it was fast enough to destroy her rear passenger door, crack Rick's windshield, and cause the airbags to deploy, which in turn singed the hair off my arm leaving a nice burn in its place, and also filled our lungs with all sorts of chemicals.

My first instinct was to get out of the car swinging, but Rick, ever the gentleman, went the opposite route and asked the girl if she was ok. Still, adrenaline was racing through my veins, to the point that I almost got into a fight with some dipshit who wandered over to make sure everything was ok. In my defense, with lines like this the guy would've had it coming:

BadSamaritan: "What happened?"
Ostrowe: (stares for a few seconds) ". . . . . . . There was a car accident."
BadSamaritan: (copping an attitude) "Oh, wow, I guess you must be a college student."
Ostrowe: (filled with murderous rage) "Hey pal, last time I checked I was the one who just almost died, so if I feel like making light of the situation I'm gonna fucking do it."

The three of us involved in the accident were all pretty shaken, although I still had enough of my wits about me to walk down the block with the illegal fireworks I had in the passenger seat and dump them down the sewer. Everyone whipped out their cell phones and started making calls, so I called Kerry to let her know I wouldn't be making it back to the party.

Kerry: "Hey, what's going on?"
Ostrowe: "We were just in a car accident."
Kerry: "What's going on?"
Ostrowe: ". . . . . . We just got into a car accident.:
Kerry: "Are you fucking kidding me????"
Ostrowe: "No. Don't worry, everyone's ok."
Kerry: "Oh. Well I'm gonna go to Casa, come meet me there."

By the time the cops and tow truck had finally cleared the scene and all the insurance information had been exchanged, Kerry was no longer at Casa but at Bruxelles. I declined a ride from Rick's dad and decided I would walk. I must've been in shock from the accident, since it was pouring rain out and I was at least three blocks away, but they let me go regardless.

Once I got to Bruxelles I immediately threw down a shot of Jack to calm myself, and started working on a Buddy C while I chatted with Kerry. As luck would have it, it was also karaoke night. Sadly in my current state I wasn't at all in the mood. I did want to stop at Fitzy's and inform TheBoss of the evening's events, and I tried to drag Kerry with me, but she claimed she was too tired and wanted to go home. Just not before stopping to get a slice from Tarantella's.

When we got there I saw the line and told her I was gonna just leave her there, but she said she'd buy me a slice, so I stuck around. Then on the walk back to our cars we had a nice awkward conversation.

Kerry: "So, are you thinking about making out with me?"
Ostrowe: "What? No!"
Kerry: "How often do you think about making out with me?"
Ostrowe: "Uhhh, never."
Kerry: "You've never thought about making out with me?"
Ostrowe: "No."
Kerry: "So, I'm not saying I want to, but if I asked you to make out with me right now would you?"
Ostrowe: "Absolutely not."
Kerry: "Wow . . . I've never had a guy turn me down like that before."
Ostrowe: "Well, I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings, but I'm not interested."
Kerry: "But what about that time you were at Fitzy's with (her friend) and you were sending texts and you were like 'Oh, Kerry's coming here to see me'?"
Ostrowe: ". . . . . Apparently (her friend)'s not familiar with something called 'sarcasm.'"

So after that we parted ways and I went to Fitzy's. I let TheBoss know everything that happened, and I bought a drink for Kevin, the owner, since it happened to be his birthday. Nunzio showed up, but I didn't stick around long enough to chat. I'd already seen enough fireworks to last me a whole year and then some.

A Morsel from the Vast Wasteland

2007-06-18T00:19:00.001-04:00

So, here we are, a week later, and people are still talking about the Sopranos finale. And what pretty much everyone is talking about is how disappointed they were. The problem everyone has, is that there was no real ending, no sense of closure. It was left ambiguous as to what happened. And no one likes to be left just wondering.

It seems the only person who got what they wanted out of the end of the show was the creator, David Chase. And even that's debateable. To end things the way he did might not have been what he really wanted, it might have just been the best he could do. That's when I got to thinking about how much a TV show is essentially a relationship between two parties, the audience and the creator. If the audience isn't into what the creator is doing, they're going to leave. And if they do start to leave, does the creator change what they're doing, or do they hold steadfast to their artistic vision, which they believe is right?

Personally, I gave up on the Sopranos a long time ago. It got to a point where I was no longer willing to put up with the ancillary bullshit to get to the parts of the show I liked in the first place. Another thing that played a factor in my decision was the huge break between seasons. It's one thing to be patient, but everyone has their limits on how long they can wait. It also didn't help that on several occasions a return date would be announced, only to be pushed back once it approached. I could only put up with that shit so many times before I had to say enough was enough.

Others stuck around, claiming it was too good not to. "How can you give up," they wondered. "You just have to be patient and when it comes back you'll see how great it is and fall in love with it again." This may be true for some, but when something I care about, something I've invested time in, goes away for a long period of time, its hard for me to take. It also leads me to start thinking about the other negative traits. Eventually, I'm just willing to write the whole thing off. Which is what happened with me and the Sopranos.

This kinda ties in with my last post. Some people are willing to stick it out through all sorts of shit. Each person is different, in that they all have their own "Jump the Shark" moments. But sooner or later, that moment does come. That doesn't mean you don't love the show any more. It just means you've had all you can take. Which brings me back to my original point.

People are pissed because they look to television as an escape from reality. They're used to things being tied up in neat little packages. What they all seem to be forgetting is that one of the reasons the Sopranos was treated so reverently was because of how true to life a lot of it was. Well in real life, there is rarely any closure. That's where shows, aside from the Sopranos, really differ from relationships. Sure, you can end things with someone, but can you ever really end things with them? Not unless one of the two parties dies. Because until that point, there is always a chance to pick things back up again. You can always say you'll never talk to someone again, but never is a long time. Whereas once a show is done, its done for good. The only thing left are the reruns.

To All the Stupid Girls . . .

2007-06-12T21:15:00.001-04:00

Hi.

We've met before.

In fact, you probably remember me. I was the one making fun of you for sticking with your lousy boyfriend. I was the one who used to point out just exactly how stupid you were for not just getting up and leaving. I was the one who would say things like "I don't know what you see in him" and "You guys have nothing in common". Well, I just wanted to say . . . I'm sorry. I clearly had no idea what I was talking about.

Back then I used to look at everything rationally, and never let emotions get in the way. It was a much simpler life, but it was also much emptier. It took a while, but eventually I realized it. And that's why I wanted to apologize.

I've learned what its like to love someone so much you can't walk away, even though you know you should. And I know how sometimes, no matter how much they hurt you, all you want is to go crawling back into their arms. And I know that the things I said only made you feel worse, and for that I'm really, truly sorry. Because having lived life both ways, I can honestly say that you were right, and I was wrong.

To really love someone is to be willing to let yourself look stupid. It's cliched but its true, love hurts. That's because to really love someone is to care about them so much that you would allow them to hurt you. Which, let's face it, sounds pretty stupid to a "rational" human being. And I guess it is. But anyone who's ever experienced love, however brief it might have been, knows that its worth it.

At least, that's my opinion. Which I guess makes me just as stupid as you. But for that, I'll never apologize.

Travels with Marty

2007-06-03T20:44:00.001-04:00

Back in February, Dmo took a new job that required him to move down to Raleigh, North Carolina for a few months for training. I'd been there once, 11 years ago, and always wanted to go back. So I decided I'd use up all my vacation time to take a week off and pay him a visit. We settled on the week after the Preakness, since he would be coming up with friends and I could just follow them back down. Of course, getting to the Preakness proved to be a problem in and of itself.

Since there was such a large group of us attending, no one really had any room to accomodate us. Eventually we decided on getting a hotel room in Edgewood, MD, about a half hour north of Baltimore, and nowhere near Edgemont. As the only one with the day off, I was given the task of driving down ahead of time and checking into the hotel. But first I had to drop Melissa off in the middle of Baltimore, since she was coming down to visit some friends. This meant I would have to drive past the hotel and then turn around and come back. A small price to pay, for though her running diary skills were quite lacking, Melissa was excellent company for the ride down.

After checking into the hotel, I embarked on a quest for booze and food for the race, which consisted of me driving up and down the main strip of Edgewood. This is notable only for the fact that I had no idea where I was going, and no idea how I would get back if I got lost. Remarkably, I managed to not just make it back to the hotel in one piece, but with 3 30-packs of beer and 5 Subway sandwiches in tow.

I didn't have to wait long from the time I got to the hotel till when the rest of the mooncrickets arrived. Staying in the hotel would be myself, Mar, Rick, Anfron, Moro, and Moro's obsession with all things Terry.

Since I couldn't possibly do it justice, you can read about everything that happened from their arrival to their post Preakness departure in Rick's running diary. An excellent job of capturing the events of the weekend. However, I would like to add a few points.

First off, I am truly retarded for leaving my beads and suntan lotion in the hotel room. Luckily I was able to rely on Chubbs to bring some suntan lotion, however the lack of beads in all likelyhood contributed greatly to the lack of titties. Second, prior to this year the earliest we had arrived was 9am. As a result I consciously tried to pace myself so I could last the whole day without getting so drunk I managed to inflict bodily harm on myself. It turned out I paced myself a bit too well, and I wound up not even getting that drunk, which led to my ceding most of the running diary space I normally would have taken up to the Preakness virgins, Brock, Anfron and Moro. Although even at my most shitfaced I doubt I would have been able to compete with Moro's unending Terry obsession. Finally, as far as the bout with Brock goes, yes, he did manage a solid victory, but in fairness I couldn't stop laughing at his pathetic display of offense long enough to put up a fight. Next time he won't be so lucky. To close out the Preakness section of the vacation, it was a highly enjoyable time, but it did feel as if it was lacking something. And I'm not just referring to Rick's $100 bill.

The day after the Preakness was a travel day, as the rest of the mooncrickets returned to Rockland and I had to drive to whatever podunk town Brock's mother-in-law lives in to meet up with Dmo and the NC crew. Then from East Bumblefuck, MD we had to drive to Fredricksburg, VA to drop Brock off before heading down to Raleigh.

When we finally hit Raleigh it was around 430 and I was excited to head straight to the pool. My excitement was tempered a bit once I realized I had forgotten to pack a bathing suit. Undaunted, I threw on a pair of Dmo's basketball shorts and went for a swim. As was the case on the majority of days spent in Raleigh, there was quite a nice selection of slimmies poolside. As was also the case on the majority of days spent in Raleigh, I lacked the onions to actually go up and talk to any of them.

Aside from taking the time to enjoy some fine southern cuisine unavailable north of the Mason-Dixon Line, not much else really stood out from my time spent in Raleigh. Although I did get to enjoy the sight of Dmo running up and down the court playing basketball for his company team, the Sharks With Friggin Lasers on Their Heads. It was as hughmorris as you would think. After a minute or so of actual gameplay, he would resort to shuffling up and down the court like a white Benoit Benjamin. Still, its understandable, as it was about 90 degrees out, and he was winded.

The highlight (or lowlight) of the trip came when we tried to go to Sonic for dinner. Neither of us had ever been, as they are nonexistant in the Northeastern United States. According to their website, there were several in and around Raleigh, so we picked the closest one and followed the directions there. It turned out to not really be that close, and after quite a hike we were treated to a nice surprise when we got there:

It was closed.

And not closed as in closed for the night, but closed for renovations. The guy who told us was a real douchebag too. If I wasn't so winded from the drive I would've gotten out of the car and kicked his ass. But instead we drove back to the shopping center across from Dmo's apartment complex and decided to go to the Brazilian steakhouse.

I don't know if you've ever been to a Brazilian steakhouse (or who you are for that matter), but its really quite an experience. Its basically all you can eat, only they bring skewers of all different kinds of meats to your table on an endless rotation, only stopping when you flip your coaster from green to red. And the meats are unbelievable; top sirloin, garlic steak, bacon wrapped fillet, chicken legs, even alligator. Quite the sumptuous banquet. But be prepared to open up your wallet. Its easy to see why the one in the Palisades center had to close, as the price for the meal was astronomical. It was by far the most I had ever spent on a meal for myself. But it was absolutely worth it. Its just not someplace you could afford to eat on a regular basis, unless you are Jim$ who probably eats at one twice a day. Still, a definite must visit if you enjoy having all different kinds of meat in your mouth. . . . . . . . . . . no homo.

The next day I departed town for our nation's capital, where I would be staying with my cousin and her husband in their luxurious apartment in the middle of downtown DC. I got there around 4 and was told to help myself to some beer from the fridge. I didn't hesitate. It wasn't long before my cousin's husband, "Barney", arrived home and began boozing as well. My cousin got back a little after five and we left to head to some of the local watering holes to enjoy a few beverages before dinner.

The booze (and conversation) continued flowing throughout the meal, which took place at Clyde's, your basic run of the mill pub. I was told they had excellent burgers and wings, and was not let down.

After dinner we strolled down to the Potomac waterfront, where I enjoyed the view of both the infamous Watergate hotel and the numerous slimmies piling in and out of the bars that lined the way. Having never been to DC before the abundance of fine slimmies came as quite a shock. It was also quite a shock to hear my name being called from one of the bars. Having spent my fair share of time a few miles away in College Park, I shouldn't have been that surprised. Yet of all the people I might have expected to see in DC, the one who was calling my name was not one of them; Murph, the owner and proprieter of Luna Lounge in Nyack, and the man responsible for many a night spent crooning "Don't Stop Believin'"for all to hear. He was in DC for Rolling Thunder, a biker rally supporting the nation's POWs. We chatted for a bit and quickly parted ways, due to the fact that I was in no mood to get Luna Lounge drunk in front of my cousin. She was actually ready to call it a night, but Barney decided we should hang out for a bit, and seeing as he was paying for everything, I certainly wasn't going to argue.

I noticed two distinct groups populating this particular bar; hot chicks, and douchebags in button-down dress shirts. Needless to say I stuck out like a sore thumb in my blue barbed wire skull shirt. But in a town like DC, its good to have something that lets the chicks know you're not like everyone else. Still, I was a bit overwhelmed by the whole scene, and as a result unable to get anywhere with any slimmies. I even failed to capitalize when, on the way out, Barney approached two hotties and asked them if they recognized Dan Ostrowe, the Tight End for the Carolina Panthers.

It was around 9 when we got back to the apartment, and Barney was in no mood to call it a night. Frankly, neither was I. So we met some clients of his at Camelot, one of the classier strip joints I've been to. Although to be fair, I haven't been to many outside of Lace and the Big S. But I knew I was in good shape when we got there and displayed on the outside was the Jim$ $eal of Approval. After several drinks and several pairs of titties, we hit one more bar before calling it a night. It was only around 1130 when I passed out, which came as a bit of a shock when I woke up the next morning. But when you take into account the fact that I had been drinking since 4 on an empty stomach after driving for 4 hours, I guess it made sense.

I slept in the next day to avoid any potential ill effects that might come as a result of the combo between the previous night's adventures and the sinus infection that seems to have made itself a permanent home in my body. After waking up and going about my usual morning routine, I decided to take the opportunity to view some of the monuments that call the city home.

Now, I'm not the kind of person who gets choked up easily, but there's something about seeing all those monuments up close that really stirred something up. If you have any sense of pride in this country, I defy you to take it all in and not feel something.

After a relaxing afternoon I departed DC around 8pm, figuring that would be late enough to avoid traffic on the ride home. It was a definite misstep on my part as the roads, while not mobbed, were far too crowded for my driving tastes. And of course, it turned into bumper to bumper traffic as soon as I hit Delaware, the country's capital of Suckitude on the east coast. It was around 1230 when I finally got home, and I immediately passed out due to fatigue.

The trip as a whole, while a good time, left something to be desired. I originally compared it to going into a movie with high expectation, and when them movie doesn't live up to them you wind up disappointed no matter how good it actually is (I like to call this "The Old School Analogy"). But the fact of the matter is that I was too distracted, by numerous things, to really allow myself to enjoy the trip. And for that I have no one to blame but myself. Its just too bad that I'm not going to get a chance to do it again, the right way, any time soon.

EDIT (6-11-07 8:20PM) : I've spent the past several hours messing around with the html so that people can click on the monument pictures and view them at full size, but I still can't get it to work, so fuck it. Its too bad too, because the pictures are pretty good if I do say so myself. Stupid blogger.

Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not

2007-04-30T20:53:00.001-04:00

A while ago I was exchanging emails with a friend of mine and his roommates, whom I had met briefly. One of his roomates claimed not to remember me by name alone, which seems preposterous, I know, but was understandable as we met at a party with a huge amount of people present. So she asked me if I had a beard. A simple question with a seemingly simple answer tthat anyone who has met me would be able to provide. Yet for some reason it gave me pause.

Obviously I do have a beard. Aside from a couple of months here and there, I have since sophomore year of high school. So why was it so hard for me to answer?

I guess what it comes down to is when I think of myself, I don't really think of "having a beard" being one of my defining characteristics. Which is kinda weird, I guess. I've heard other people describe me as having a beard, but its not something I think I've ever used to describe myself. Maybe its the stigma that comes with having a beard that i'm trying to distance myself with. When I think of someone with a beard I picture a rich WASP in a tweed jacket with patches on the elbows, possibly smoking a pipe. I don't think anyone would describe me that way.

The beard thing made me think of a larger issue, that being the disparity between how people see us and how we see ourselves. Back when I first started working at the liquor store I was standing there minding my own business when the customer I was waiting on, a woman in her mid-40s, started chuckling. I asked her what she was laughing at, and she responded, "Nothing, its just funny to see a grown man wearing a GI Joe shirt."

I immediately fired back, "I'm 22 years old, I'm hardly a grown man." But I guess she was right in a way.

Despite my age and how I felt inside, I was being viewed by others as an adult. A pretty scary thought. One I certainly wasn't ready to deal with at the time, and probably not even now, three years later.

I've always had a hard time reconciling how people see me with how I see myself. I've run into so many people from high school who've told me they thought I was an asshole back then, which, when I think about it is kind of understandable. I am a big guy, and people find that intimidating. Couple that with the fact that I was so miserable the whole time I was there that I rarely, if ever, cracked a smile, and it is easy to see why people would assume that. Still I've never been a fan of labeling people. Its a ridiculously closed minded thing to do, and you tend to miss out on a lot that way.

Most people can't be summed up in one or two words, unless they are on the Real World. Real life isn't that simple. I've met people from all walks of life, and rarely do they fit into preconceived notions of who you think they'd be. Another thing about the liquor store; (I hate to keep bringing it back to that but I learned more working there for 2 years than I did at any college I attended) I used to get hit on in that place on an almost daily basis, which I found pretty weird. I never really thought of myself as attractive, despite what a (very) few girls have told me over the years. Then again, I'm not a chick (or a gay male) so I don't really know what an attractive guy looks like, unless they are Jim Nantz or Tom Brady. Eventually I began to realize it didn't matter how I thought of myself. It all boiled down to one of life's eternal debates, Perception vs. Reality.

Many people will tell you perception IS reality, meaning you are what people think you are. But I think that's bullshit. If you ask three different people to describe the same event, you'll get three different stories. Which is why I don't put much stock into what people think of me. If someone thinks I'm a smug, arrogant wiseass, that's fine. If they think I'm a sweethearted, sexy mother fucker, that's fine too. Even if they think i'm as ugly as fuck, I don't care. Because the truth is, I am all of those things and none at the same time.

Chris Cornell put it most succinctly, "Be yourself, its all that you can do." The only person who can decide what that means for you, is you.

Wrestlemania 23 Running Diary

2007-04-03T20:00:00.001-04:00

Every sport has their major event, even "fake" sports. For professional wrestling, that event is Wrestlemania, known to fans as the "Grandaddy of them All" due to the history involved. Since the wrestling industry is currently in a major creative slump, my main reason for ordering this year's show was to keep a running diary. So let's get started.

The venue for this year's Grandaddy is Detroit's Ford Field. The venue for us watching this year's Grandaddy is my basement, hosting for the second consecutive year. Joining me would be Rick; Dmo, who came up from Raleigh just to be at the show; Dmo's girlfriend Melissa, a grandaddy virgin; and a cheese platter. Dmo and Melissa will be joining us late due to the fact that they spent the afternoon in the city enjoying a matinee. One of the stories going into the show, in addition to the Battle of the Billionaires that has been hyped on every major entertainment news program, is the controversy surrounding the main events. Yes, that's plural. There are two different shows with two different titles, and each one gets their own main event. The controversy is due to the fact that Smackdown's main event of Batista vs. Undertaker is going on first despite the fact that Undertaker won the Royal Rumble, which generally guarantees a spot in the show's final match. Batista (the champ) has gone on record claiming that match is going to steal the show. Knowing the skill level of the two competitors involved, the only way that's happening is if they literally hijack the production truck.

645pm - After a late dinner, I order the show in time to catch the second half of the preshow.

647 - After going upstairs to get my computer for the running diary, I return to find that Rick has managed to unplug the cable box. We plug it back in and get nothing but a black screen. This is not going to be good for business.

650 - Still waiting for the cable box to reboot.

651 - The picture finally comes back; Preshow host Todd Grisham calls the Great Khali (a 7 foot Indian guy) "the Monster from the Poonjab Jungle". I think that's actually how Dell customers refer to their tech support department.

657 - After going online and reading spoilers that say the Money In The Bank match will start the show, I try to share this information with Rick causing him to cover his ears and claim he doesn't want to know because wrestling's not fake. Meanwhile, I am wondering how Dmo will react to missing the Money in the Bank match for the second straight year.

658 - Todd Grisham: "Its time for me to shut up." Actually Todd I think the time for that was about two minutes after the preshow started.

659 - The show hasn't even started yet and I'm already sick of this year's theme song (Saliva's "Ladies and Gentleman")

702 - Aretha Franklin kicks things off by singing "America the Beautiful"; she's a good choice because she's looking to be about the size of America these days.

703 - I'm not sure if that's Aretha Franklin or Big Vis in a wig.

705 - Rick has a hard time determining what's bigger, Aretha's boob or her FUPA; Vegas has the odds at a Pick 'Em

707 - The rundown of the card prompts the following exchange:

Rick:"Why is MVP wrestling at Wrestlemania?"
Ostrowe:"Why is Matt Striker wrestling at Wrestlemania?"
Rick:"Touche'"

708 - The show proper starts; Now I know why the Saliva song sounds familiar, it reminds me of the theme song to Nickelodeon's "GUTS" (do you have it?????)

709 - The spoilers were right as the Money in the Bank match starts the show. Now we get to sit through introductions for 8 guys.

711 - Smackdown announcer JBL claims that this is King Booker's first ladder match; seeing as he's been wrestling for 20 something years I highly doubt that. Also, Finlay loves to fight. (For the uninitiated, his gimmick is he is a short, paunchy Irish guy who loves to fight. And in case you didn't know that he provides a helpful voiceover stating that at the start of his entrance music.)

712 - The intro for fan favorite (at least those of us fans sitting in my basement) Mistahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Kennedy . . . .

713 - Kennedy.

715 - The bell rings signaling the start of the match after six minutes worth of intros. Anyone who's read the previous two Wrestlemania running diaries knows there is always too much going on to follow in these matches; the fact that they added two more guys this year certainly isn't going to make it any easier.

716 - Finlay leaps off the top turnbuckle onto the other 7 guys standing on the floor.

718 - When I call Dmo to inform him he is missing the Money in the Bank match, he is apathetic, stating he is relaxing at his house; CM Punk is wearing the veritable crimson mask; This year's match is different from previous years in that everyone seems to just be taking turns as the focus of the match. This is confirmed when the 7 other guys attack King Booker black ninja style.

720 - Edge suplexes Matt Hardy onto two ladders, followed by Mr. Kennedy cracking his head on the back of a ladder after missing a Ken-ton bomb. I'm pretty sure he's out cold after that one.

722 - Edge is spearing everything in sight; CM Punk avoids the spear by leaping over him and then wears the ladder around his neck and starts spinning around the ring crashing into everyone. This comes to an end when Edge spears him and takes out two more guys in the process.

726 - Jeff Hardy jumps off a 20 foot ladder through Edge and another ladder set up on the ring apron, bringing out the (fake) paramedics.

JBL:"Damn that Jeff Hardy, Damn him to hell!!!"

728 - Randy Orton delivers an RKO to CM Punk off the top of the ladder.

730 - Finlay's head is covered in blood. It looks like he's cut over his eye and on the crown of his skull. In another display of awful announcing, JR claims Finlay would rather taste his own blood than an Irish potato soup.

735 - Mistahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Kennedy is now Mistahhhhhhhhhhh Money In the Bank after knocking CM Punk off the top of the ladder in a rather anticlimactic finish.

737 - After showing a preview for "The Condemned" starring "Stone Cold" Steve Austin, they cut to a bunch of wrestlers for comments. Ron Simmons's review:".....DAMN!"

739 - Kane vs. The Great Khali = root beer break

743 - Punch, headbutt, kick, forearm, repeat. It doesn't matter which one I'm talking about, that's all either of them can do.

745 - Khali ends up tied up in the ropes and Kane uses this opportunity to get a hook from underneath the ring.

748 - Khali wins.

Rick:"Thank god that's over."

751 - Reverend Slick shows up in a backstage skit about dancing; he is busting a move.

752 - More classic wrestlers show up to dance: IRS, Dusty Rhodes, Jimmy Hart, Gene Okerlund and Ricky Steamboat. My actual notes: "What the hell is going on??" Finally, Ron Simmons shows up, takes a look around and ". . . . DAMN!"

756 - Chris Benoit vs. MVP for the US title; since I don't watch Smackdown I'm not really sure what MVP's gimmick is but it appears to be that he is a cocky spoiled athelete.

759 - Dmo and Melissa arrive; Melissa attacks the cheese platter like it took her mother out to a nice seafood dinner and then never called her again.

802 - This has been an excellent match from a technical standpoint, as opposed to Kane vs. Khali, which was not a good match from any standpoint.

803 - Dmo recalls a wrestler from back in the day named MVP, he dressed like an umpire and wore white face paint.

806 - Benoit wins after a picturesque diving headbutt.

808 - In another backstage skit, Donald Trump stares at the Boogeyman and offers him some worms in exchange for a sandwich. Trump is truly a master at the art of the deal.

810 - Highlights of last night's WWE Hall of Fame ceremony, everyone is in agreement that Mr. Perfect was awesome. In fact, he was what we thought he was (perfect).

812 - During his induction one of Dusty Rhodes's sons claims he was the greatest talker in the business, which is funny cause he can barely speak English.

813 - They dust the mothballs off "The Fink" Howard Finkel to introduce the hall of fame class of 2007.

815 - Mr. Fuji has to be escorted out in a wheelchair; he literally hasn't moved since they brought him out. Hopefully we don't have a Weekend at Bernie's situation on our hands here. Meanwhile, the Wild Samoans make faces into the camera.

817 - Batista is not faring well in the AT&T wireless poll asking fans' opinions on who would win the match.

820 - I knew it wasn't going to be the last match but I can't believe they're putting the Smackdown title match on this early; no wonder Batista and the Taker are pissed. Batista is taking his sweet ass time getting to the ring too.

823 - The druids emerge from the floor amidst much chanting.

825 - Dmo asks Melissa who she's rooting for in this match; Melissa takes one look at the Undertaker and replies "Not him, he's scary."

826 - Rick:"And you thought Batista's entrance was slow."

829 - Undertaker's entrance is finally over.

Rick: "Has anyone made a bigger career out of being able to roll their eyes in the back of their head?"

831 - Batista goes up to the top rope and comes off with a shoulderblock as Smackdown announcer Michael Cole practically has an anuerysm calling it.

833 - JBL claims the Undertaker's big boot will rearrange your bicuspids.

834 - Melissa is confused by the fact that the match outcomes are predetermined.

836 - Undertaker leaps clear over the top rope onto Batista on the floor outside.

839 - Batista powerslams the Undertaker through a table as Michael Cole channels Vince McMahon back in his announcing days.

844 - Undertaker kicks out of Batista's finishing move, the Batista bomb.

845 - Undertaker wins with a tombstone as Michael Cole completes his metamorphisis into Gus Johnson.

850 - Lashley's a mooncricket.

851 - Another year another Wrestlemania sketch involving the McMahon family; this year's involves Vince babytalking to his "grandaughter" (actually a camera in a baby carriage) while describing all the dastardly things he's going to do to Donald Trump in the Battle of the Billionaires. He ends the sketch by turning up his nose and saying "I think she just took a Trump."

853 - The ECW match, featuring the ECW originals (RVD, Sabu, Sandman and Tommy Dreamer) taking on the New Breed (Elijah Burke, Matt Striker, Kevin Thorne, and Marquis Corvon). If you haven't heard of any of those guys in the New Breed, don't worry cause neither have I. As the ECW originals enter through the crowd, RVD and Sabut smack/elbow the fands hands out of the way, while Dreamer shakes everyone's hand on the way down in a true "I'm just happy to be here" gesture. Also, Melissa is out cold.

855 - A sparkling wiggle in the audience is wearing a "SLAP TITS" shirt that he must've stolen from The Mayor of Tittyville, Jim$.

858 - Dmo:"This match is terrible."(yawns loudly)

901 - This match sucks but Matt Striker sure sells like a champ.

904 - The ECW Originals won, as if anyone cares; the Battle of the Billionaires is coming up next.

909 - The barbershop set for the post-match headshaving gets its own entrance and entrance music.

910 - Sign of the night: "Trump Can't Shave Vince's Grapefruits" . . . it was a pretty weak night for signs

914 - There is some debate as to whether or not Raw announcer Jerry "The King" Lawler writes his own material or he has writers; Rick says he has writers, Dmo says he writes his own stuff. As the deciding vote I'm gonna say he comes up with his own stuff.

917 - Stone Cold is the special guest referee for the Battle of the Billionaires.

Dmo:"They should have had Ed Hochuli as the special guest referee."
Rick:"They couldn't cut the sleeves big enough."

920 - Melissa announces to everyone that she's awake.

Melissa: "I was sooooooo winded."

921 - Melissa is excited that there are more crackers for the cheese platter. JR keeps referring to Vince as "Mr. McMadman"/

925 - JR: "Trump probably hires people to mop his brow."
Dmo:"Like Jim$"

927 - With both Lashley and Umaga down, Stone Cold stops the count at 9 and declares that there must be a winner.

930 - Stone Cold is knocked unconscious as Vince, his son Shane and Umaga triple team Lashley. Shane has a referee shirt on but gets yanked out of the ring and beaten up by Austin before he can make the three count.

931 - The Donald is concerned with the rampant rule violations from the McMahon camp, yelling "What's going on over here???" He decides to take matters into his own hands, coming out of nowhere and nailing Vince with a clothesline and proceeding punch the crap out of him.

932 - Lashley pins Umaga after a stunner and the overzealous timekeeper rings the bell at the two count. Vince McMahon comes out on the losing end of the Battle of the Billionaires, to the surprise of absolutely no one.

934 - Vince attempts to sneak away without holding up his end of the bargain, forcing Lashley to sprint down the aisle and drag him back to the ring.

936 - Trump wants to get this over with so he can get home and watch himself on The Apprentice.

937 - Vince's awful acting during the headshaving segment is on par with his awful announcing from back in the day.

939 - Austin is chilling in the corner of the ring with a Miller Lite while Trump and Lashley shave Vince's head.

940 - Austin is forced to get off his ass in order to help Vince fall over backwards in the barber's chair.

941 - Stunner on Trump!!!! That came out of nowhere. I can't believe The Donald agreed to that.

942 - Dmo is ready to leave but Melissa is too comfy to get up. Eventually Dmo manages to convince her.

946 - Titties! (The women's title match is a "Lumberjill" match, meaning the ring is surrounded by all the scantily clad WWE divas)

953 - Mercifully the women's match is over quick. What a colossal waste of time that was.

954 - The divas fill the ring, its a Pier One brawl.

959 - Time for the main event, the Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels vs. The Champ John Cena. HBK comes out after five minutes of buildup that we miss while recording dialog.

1002 - Someone in the audience is holding up an Israeli flag.

1004 - Cena's intro consists of him driving around the streets of Detroit like a madman before arriving at Ford Field and crashing through the glass on his way to the ring.

1008 - A classless HBK slaps Cena to start the match.

1012 - I don't know how Shawn Michaels can still get away with calling himself "The Heartbreak Kid" when his face looks like a badly worn leather jacket.

1013 - HBK hiptosses Cena over the top rope to the floor.

1014 - In a direct repeat of a spot from his match against Kurt Angle at Wrestlemania 21, HBK springboard moonsaults off the second rope onto Cena on the outside of the ring.

1018 - This match has been pretty bad so far.

1019 - I am falling asleep here.

1021 - HBK is wearing the crimson mask.

1022 - The ref eats some sweet chin music (HBK's finishing move, a superkick to the face)

1025 - HBK piledrives Cena on the outside steps; Cena has done absolutely nothing offensively in this match.

1028 - The original ref is still down from sweet chin music. You would think at this point the WWE would start hiring referees who could take a punch.

1032 - We get treated to a nice 45 second stretch of good wrestling, sadly its taking place 24 minutes into the match.

1034 - They are both passed out on top of each other in a scene straight out of "Brokeback Mountain". Seriously, HBK's hand is on Cena's crotch.

1036 - For the second straight year Cena gets his opponent to tap out to the STFU to end the show.

I'm not gonna lie, this was pretty painful to watch. Usually even when a show is bad if your watching it with a group of people you can still have a good time mocking it, but this was so bad it sucked the energy out of the whole room. The only good matches were Money in the Bank and the Battle of the Billionaires and those two weren't really good wrestling matches; Money in the Bank was like a stunt show, and the Battle of the Billionaires was only entertaining for what was going on outside the ring. Of course, my gut told me going in that the show was probably gonna suck. This is not one of those times I relish being right.

St. Patrick's Day Weekend 2007: The Final Tally

2007-03-19T20:17:00.002-04:00

Also known as Why I'm Not Drinking Again Until the Derby

- Pairs of sunglasses lost: 1
- Green bow ties lost: 1
- Gloves lost: 1
- Scarves lost: 1
- Chairs kicked out from underneath girls: 2
- Cups of green beer spilled all over myself: 2
- Milfs that bought us a pitcher of beer: 3
- Corned beef and cabbage platters eaten: 3
- Stunners doled out: 1
- Retaliatory ball shots received: 1
- Flair chops doled out in retaliation to ball shots: 1
- Bitter ex-girlfriends run into on parade route: 1
- Bars visited during the parade: 4
- Friend's sister's I made out with: 1
- Hours spent making out with said friend's sister while people cheered us on and took pictures: 6
- Odds she calls me back: slim to none
- White Plains guidos I almost fought: 1
- Masiello sightings: 3
- Pupino sightings: too numerous to count
- Shamrocks painted on my face by random chicks in Murty's: 1
- Duets of "Seperate Ways (Worlds Apart)" sung with Pupino in the middle of the Saloon: 1
- Deuces dropped that cleared out the entire Saloon bathroom: 1
- Fat chicks I was insulted by: at least 1 that I know of
- Total hours spent drinking in Pearl River Sunday: 11
- Total hours of the 48 hour weekend spent drinking: 23
- Bottles of "Sprite" still in my refrigerator: 1
- Damage done to my liver: extensive
- Not having to go to work the next day: priceless

A Different Kind of March Madness

2007-03-15T00:09:00.001-04:00

Since the first day of the NCAA tournament usually falls on or around my birthday, its become somewhat of a tradition for me to take the day off from work and spend most of it at the bar watching the games. The first day of the tournament is my favorite, because at that point, anything is possible. In 2004, the tournament was not the only thing that sentence applied to.

The day started out abnormally, as I met Dmo's mom for lunch at Dave & Busters to watch the Maryland game. Since it was my birthday, she insisted on paying, so being a gentleman I refrained from boozing until the game was over, which was around 330.

I boozed for a couple of hours and had dinner, then got ready to head home due to the fact that there was only one game on and it was a 1/16 game. That's when I got a call from Jim$ asking what my plans were for the evening.

I told him I was heading home for the night but could be convinced to go back out for the late games if he was willing to drive. I would have been perfectly content passing out on my couch with the late games on in the background, but when Jim$ is in the mood to booze he is not easily dissuaded. It was around 8 when he came to pick me up and we headed back to D&B's.

Since Jim$ was driving I decided to start drinking vodka and cranberry juice. The bartender, having recognized me from the afternoon games, noticed I switched things up.

After a while the guys sitting next to us at the bar struck up a conversation with us. It turned out they were fellow CS alumni, only like 10 years older than us. Everyone was getting along, having a good time bullshitting and talking about the games, when one of the elder CS alumni said we should all go to Lace. I was immediately against this idea.

All I wanted was to watch the games in peace, and that would not be possible at Lace. "Why," some of you might ask?

Because Lace is a fucking topless bar.

The elder CS alumni countered that they would have a bunch of TVs with all the games on there, and this was enough to convince Jim$. Actually, the word "Lace" uttered aloud was enough to convince Jim$.

The elder CS alumni left while Jim$ was still eating, saying "We'll be ten minutes ahead of you guys, we'll get a table." As soon as they were out of earshot I turned to Jim$ and said, "Screw those guys, we're staying here." But of course, Jim$ mind was already made up. In order to convince me to go along he said he'd pay for everything as a birthday present for me. This is the only way he could actually convince me to go. So after a brief stop at the ATM, one of the alumni met us at the door and led us to the table.

I don't know what it looks like now, three years later, but at the time the main stage was in the middle of a square bar, with a smaller stage in the back, and a third stage off to the side. There were TVs scattered throughout the place, but only one had a game on. It was in the back near the second stage, which happened to be right where our table was, and the game was the 8/9 matchup between Seton Hall and Arizona. I can still remember because it was one of the lynchpins of my bracket that year, as the majority of my competition had picked Arizona.

It wasn't long before the drinks were flowing like champagne from the Abbacoozie. I could've cared less about the strippers as I was focused on the game, so whenever one would come over I would just give her a dollar and tell her to go away. At least until halftime, when I started sticking the dollars in the fold of my Rangers hat so they would have to stick my face in their breasts to get the dollars out. (as illustrated in the picture to the right)

Things started to get hazier and hazier until the game ended with the Hall victorious and one of the strippers came and sat with us. Our new friends recognized her as a fellow CS grad, class of '93. She yanked my hat off and put it on her head, then started talking to me about the Rangers.

CS Stripper:"Oh you like the Rangers? Do you know Theo Fleury?"
Ostrowe:"Yeah, he's not on the team anymore."
CS Stripper:"I know, he used to come here all the time when he was, he has a tiny penis."
Ostrowe:". . . . . I guess that explains a lot."

That was my last lucid memory of the night.

The next thing I knew it was 7am the next morning, and I was on the bathroom floor of my house, cradling in my hand an orange that someone had bitten a large chunk out of. After a brief inspection of my surroundings, I discovered said chunk floating in the toilet. Way too drunk to question what was going on, I proceeded to flush the chunk, throw out the orange and go to bed. Sadly I had forgotten that I had set my alarm for 9am so that I could meet everyone at D&B's for day two of the tournament.

The alarm went off and I was greeted by the worst hangover in recorded history. My stomach was spinning like a washing machine on the heavy duty cycle and my head felt like I had just gone several rounds with a heavyweight fighter who had followed me home and continued punching me after the fight had ended. I ran into the bathroom and threw up several times, which did nothing to ease my pain. I decided to run a hot bath, which only proved successful at dehydrating me to the point of exhaustion. Once I got out of the tub I threw my towel on the floor and passed out on top of it. After all, it was a good enough place to sleep the night before, what difference would a couple of hours make?

I was woken up by a loud pounding. This time it was not just in my head. My mom was knocking at the bathroom door telling me I was going to burn out the exhaust fan. I hastily threw on my boxer and let her in. I managed about a two minute conversation with her before having to turn back towards the toilet and vomit multiple times. Somehow afterwards I had enough strength to make it back to my bed.

I woke up for good around 2pm and was informed of some of my behavior upon arriving home the night before. Apparently I had stormed into the house screaming "YOU'RE FIRED!" in my best Vince McMahon voice. It was such a good impression that it caused my mom to get out of bed and pick the lock on the bathroom door because she thought I had brought someone home with me. When she saw it was just me screaming into my cell phone she wanted to know what the hell was wrong with me. I responded, "What the hell is wrong with you?" and she shut the door in my face and left me to pass out.

After hearing this I called Dmo to inform him why I was not at Dave & Busters with him as had been the plan. It wound up not mattering because they hadn't been allowed in anyway (TheRick and Ole Mel were still underage at this point). I told him everything that I remembered and had been informed of from the night before, emphasizing that it was all good because Jim$ had paid for everything. He said that Jim$ had told him the same thing the night before, after screaming "I LOVE TITS!" into the phone. So it came as a bit of a surprise later on that day when I emptied out my pockets to find credit card receipts totaling $102 dollars. $30 for drinks and $72 on "Lace Bucks". When I talked to Jim$ the next day he was still under the impression he had paid for everything. To this day I don't know what the hell I needed $72 Lace bucks for.

The last time I went to Lace, which was a few months after this, the CS Stripper was still there. The other two CS alumni were never heard from again. And I wound up coming in third in my NCAA tournament pool, which should have made me $20 richer. Unfortunately the fat smelly bastard who ran it never paid up.

In the years since these events I haven't even come close to doing that well in the tournament. And on a much nicer note, I haven't come close to repeating these events. Not during the NCAA tournament anyway.

The Ten Greatest Hard Rock Love Songs of All Time

2007-02-19T19:07:00.001-05:00

I was sitting at work not long ago when I was struck by a particularly kick ass song with lyrics like a love letter. That plus the proximity to Valentine's Day gave me the idea to compile a list of the best hard rock love songs. A pretty daunting task, since there's so many out there. So I decided that in order to narrow down the field there would have to be some ground rules.

Rule #1 - No Ballads - This eliminates a huge amount of songs, but also makes the task more difficult. There are so many great hard rock ballads out there from the 80's alone that Razor & Tie released not one but three Monster Ballads compilations. Saigon Kick's "Love Is On the Way" is a prime example of a song that had to be left off the list due to this rule. Great love song, very romantic, but not meant for this list.

Rule #2 - Only one song per artist - Otherwise half the list would be Audioslave songs.

Rule #3 - No Covers - Plenty of hard rock bands have made kickass covers of love songs, but that's not what I'm looking for. This list is going to be made up of songs performed as they were written, with heavy guitars and a little romance.

Rule #4a - No songs about love gone bad
Rule #4b - No songs where the object of affection doesn't share the same feelings - I grouped these two together because they are kinda similar. I'm looking for straight up love songs that a guy would sing to a girl he was in a relationship/involved with (or vice versa). And I'm talking in the throes of passion, the lovey dovey phase if you will. Taking Back Sunday is a band with songs that fit into each of these categories, with "Cute Without the E" being an example of 4a, and "Makedamnsure" an example of 4b. Stabbing Westward's "What Do I Have to Do?" is a song that is an excellent example of both at the same time.

Rule #5 - They have to be good songs - Just having romantic lyrics isn't good enough; its gotta be a song you wanna listen to over and over again, whether you're in a relationship or not.

Of course I fully reserve the right to ignore any of these rules if the circumstances demand it. I don't play by anyone's rules, not even my own. That being said, here are some more songs that, in addition to the ones mentioned above, were in consideration for the list at some point but were ultimately left off for one reason or another.

Weezer - "El Scorcho"/"Perfect Situation" - Despite the phenomenal "I think I'd be good for you, and you'd be good for me" chorus, "El Scorcho" falls victim to rule 4b, seeing as the majority of the song is Rivers lamenting how he can't even approach the girl he's talking about. Which is a shame, because if he could just say that to the girl she might go for it. or not, you never know unless you try. Another reason I hated to boot this off the list was the fact that its the only love song I know of that references ECW. But its also kind of a slow song aside from the chorus, and I'm not sure if it really qualifies as hard rock. "Perfect Situation" really has no business even being considered for the list, as it shouldn't even really be classified as a love song, but I don't think any discussion about love songs would be complete without it. No one nails that whole "what the hell is wrong with me, why can't i just make a move on this girl or tell her how i feel" feeling of hopelessness better than Rivers Cuomo.

Derek & The Dominos - "Layla" - Another victim of 4b. Definitely fits the song you wanna listen to over and over again criteria tho, especially the opening guitar riff. Good stuff.

Ra - "Don't Turn Away" - Its too new of a song, and while there's some powerful wordplay in there ("in my dreams i have you next to me"; "and if you leave me empty, how will i design the world i need") its ultimately kind of vague. I mean, given the benefit of the doubt it's probably about love, but I can't really say for sure who he wants not to turn away. Still a great song though, I can't believe these guys aren't more popular. They remind me a lot of Disturbed actually. This is a link to their myspace page, you can take a listen for yourself.

Lamb of God - "Walk With Me in Hell" - I kept hoping I would be able to squeeze this song in, seeing as the chorus can be construed as pretty romantic, what with its concept of being so in love with someone you'd walk thru the depths of hell with them if it meant they wouldn't be alone, but ultimately I realized it was pretty fruitless. You don't bring your tattooed heavy metal loving girlfriend to a quiet dinner with your parents, and you don't put Lamb of God on a list of love songs. But the opening guitar riff is enough to make me think twice.

Radiohead - "Creep" - Probably the ultimate 4b song. The singer is madly in love with this girl who may not even know he exists. The lyrics seem pretty basic but they really get the message across. "I want you to notice, when i'm not around" gets down to what love is at its most basic: caring about someone so much that you can't bear to be without them, and hoping they feel the same way. Sucks for the singer that he's such a creep she couldn't even care less.

Unwritten Law - "Cailin" - The lyrics are great and you're totally into what the guy's saying about his world being all empty until she came along and you think its all sweet and romantic and then you find out the guy is singing about his daughter and that just makes the whole thing really creepy. That plus I don't know if it holds up against any of the other songs as far as relistenability goes. Is that even a word? If its not, it should be.

Now, onto the list itself:

10. Nine Inch Nails - "We're In This Together" - I'm not that big a fan of this song, which is why its number 10 on the list. The lyrics are great, totally depicting what its like to be in a relationship where you feel like you'd do anything for the person and they feel the same way. But it doesn't really have a high relistenability factor. Its a good song, don't get me wrong, its on this list for a reason. I'm just not that high on it.

9. Survivor - "High On You" - You like that segway, don't you? I had to throw at least one cheesy 80s band on the list, and this is actually a pretty damn good song. It does a great job of depicting that first rush you get from being in love, when you feel like you can take on the whole world. Anyone who's ever been in love knows the drug comparisons are quite apropos. For the band most famous for "Eye of the Tiger", this is some pretty heady stuff. If the music wasn't so upbeat, you'd realize how intense the lyrics are, but I think the balance the music provides is what makes it a truly great song.

8. Santana ft. Rob Thomas - "Smooth" - This song barely qualifies as hard rock, but its my list so I say its close enough. Santana is considered a guitar god, so I think its earned its place. Lyrics like "i'd change my life to better suit your mood" certainly don't hurt its cause. That's some romantic shit. An accurate depiction of what its like to love someone so much you're willing to do anything to make them feel better. Plus its got a good beat and you can dance to it, which you can't really say about any of the other songs on the list.

7. PJ Harvey - "This is Love" - The only entry on the list written and sung by a female is probably the most visceral of all the songs included. As far as lyrics go, they don't get more straightforward than "I can't believe life's so complex, when I just wanna sit here and watch you undress." Plus the guitar in this song is totally badass. If you want more in depth lyrical analysis, what she's basically saying is, life doesn't have to be so complicated, I just want to be with you. It really is that simple.

6. Black Sabbath - "N.I.B." - You would think that "Sabbra Caddabra" would be the more appropriate Sabbath song for this list, but while it is a great love song it kinda gets repetitive after a while. Plus, the end is kinda freaky, and kinda takes away from the song as a whole. "N.I.B", while ostensibly about Satan falling in love, serves as a metaphor for any relationship. The whole "if our love is true then we can be together and no one can stop us" theme is one that you see pretty frequently in love songs. Thematically its kinda similar to number 10 on the list, but musically its in a different league altogether. Its got one of the all time classic guitar riffs; everyone's heard it somewhere or other, they just might not have known it was from one of the best love songs in all of rock.

5. Seether - "Broken" - You would think from the title and how depressing the music is that its actually about a break up, but that's not the case. To me it speaks about that part of you that doesn't want to be away from the person you love for any period of time, and how you feel like you're not really whole as a person when they're not around. There are two versions of this song, the one with Amy Lee from Evanescence singing the second verse, and the original, but the words and meaning behind them are the same. Though they are both pretty kickass, I prefer the Amy Lee version, despite the fact that her and the lead singer broke up shortly after recording it and she wrote an angry revenge song about him ("Call Me When You're Sober") and also apparently got engaged to someone else. Still doesn't take away from the poigniance of the song.

4. Deftones - "Digital Bath" - The lyrics are kinda vague, but I defy anyone to listen to this song and not have it stir up some romantic or sexual feelings. I don't know if I could accurately do the music justice without getting too graphic, but for me its hard not to listen to it and picture slowly running my fingers through a girl's hair, then gently caressing her neck, then kissing her lips ever so lightly while moving my hand down her back . . . you know what, I think I'll stop there. Rumor has it the song is actually about drowning someone in a bathtub, which is not exactly romantic. But like I said before, the music and lyrics combine to form quite the sensuous melody. If it wasn't for the lyrical vagueness, it would probably be higher on the list.

3. Audioslave - "Heaven's Dead" - The song that originally inspired the idea of the list, ironically it almost fell victim to rule #2. It was a tough call between this and "The Curse", but "Heaven's Dead" ultimately won out because of the last verse: "I'll take it all, arrows or guns, hundreds or more to save you from one." Does it get much more romantic than that? I think not. Much like song #8 it sums up how it feels to care about someone so much you'd be willing to do anything to make them feel better, only with lyrics that are even more descriptive. As I said before, Audioslave could have a couple of songs on this list, so of course, they're breaking up so Cornell can pursue a solo career. Since that worked so well the last time. Don't get me wrong, I am a huge fan of Cornell as a songwriter, and some of his solo stuff is phenomenal. But taken as a whole, his last solo album ("Euphoria Morning") was so dreary and depressing it should have come with a complementary syringe full of heroin. Cornell is the musical equivalent of that crazy friend everyone has who winds up breaking up with his longterm girlfriend (Soundgarden), meandering around for a while all bummed out like Paul Rudd in The 40 Year Old Virgin (his solo album), then he hooks up with a really hot chick with a lot to offer who just got out of a relationship with a real douchebag (Audioslave); you knew it was only gonna be a matter of time before he flipped out and fucked things up and wound up on his own again. Of course none of this has anything at all to do with this song and why its on the list. Its just too bad we're not gonna get to hear anything similar in the future.

2. Blue October - "Calling You" - Somehow, this song manages to sum up the themes of all the other songs on this list with lyrics so simple it boggles the mind. I can't even do it justice writing it up. The lyrics speak for themselves. And the music is great too. If this list were just based on romanticism alone, this would be the clear cut number one. However . . .

1. Faith No More - "Zombie Eaters" - . . . its also based on how good the song is. And that can be defined in many ways. Let's disregard the lyrics for a second and focus on the music. It starts out almost hauntingly, with a simple yet poigniant strumming of guitar chords. Then Mike Patton starts singing the first two verses in almost a whisper, when all of a sudden the patented Faith No More bass kicks in and before you know it you are smack dab in the middle of another headbanging anthem. The same riff repeats over and over throughout the meat of the song with brief, almost orchestral interludes until finally the guitars rev up to speed towards the finish with Patton singing rapidly over them with similar vocals to their megahit "Epic", until the song finally concludes in much the same way it began, softly and elegantly. The lyrics are another story, and where the real genius of the song lies. On the surface, it appears to be about the relationship between infant and parent. This is evident in much of the lyrics, blatantly so, and also in the title of the song (With the implication being that the child is like a zombie, whose sole reason for existence is eating away at all the parent will give). But when you take a closer look, you see that the parent/child imagery is just a metaphor for that feeling of not wanting to live without someone. Only Patton takes it to the extreme, to the point where the protagonist or narrator or whatever can't even exist without his partner around, like an infant who can't survive without the parent. Pretty sick, huh? But also an ingenious way to describe a relationship. Even as a young kid watching MTV I could tell Mike Patton was completely insane. The sad truth is, most geniuses are. And being in love only makes it worse.

I'm sure there will be people who will disagree with my list. Music and listmaking are both very subjective, and everyone is entitled to their own opinions. Of course if they differ from mine, they would be wrong. But they are entitled to it nonetheless.

Losing the Battle, Winning the War

2007-01-27T16:53:00.001-05:00

I was really bummed out after the AFC Championship Game, and what bothered me was the fact that I didn't know why. Though I was rooting for the Pats, I'm not a Patriots fan. In fact, this was the team that beat my team on the biggest of stages only a few years ago, a defeat that left me completely devestated. It took me a while to realize why I was so bummed out. And it ultimately had nothing to do with sports.

The Patriots are supposed to be a dynasty, the dominant force in their sport. You expect them to always come through in the clutch. Especially against the team that for years had been their polar opposite. The Colts with Peyton Manning and Tony Dungy have been perennial chokers, whereas Brady and Belichek always came through in the clutch. That's not supposed to change. What it comes down to is, you expect the best out of the best, no matter what the field. But since nobody's perfect, sooner or later you're gonna be let down. Just look at the Yankees and Red Sox for another example.

What most people desire is someone they can rely on. And no matter how close you come to finding that person, they will always let you down in one way or another. That's why I stopped believing in heroes a long time ago. Because ultimately everyone is human, and everyone has flaws, and you can never count on people to come through for you. And even if they will most of the time, its usually those few times they don't that we tend to focus on. This has been my way of thinking for as far back as I can remember. I realize that's a pretty dumb way to look at things, because no one is perfect and everyone has flaws. Even Michael Jordan didn't win every game, and as far as I'm concerned he's the ultimate example of the best in his field. (I don't remember who said it, but Michael Jordan was better at basketball than anyone was at anything else.) Maybe its the fact that what makes these people heroes is that they have these flaws in the first place. But I digress.

What Brady and the Patriots represent is the jock, the superstar, the dreamboat. The guy who succeeds effortlessly while others try their hardest and fail. The guy who makes it look easy. Manning and the Colts represent the other side of that coin. The guy who's best isn't good enough. The nerd who stays up all night studying and still can't get into the college he wants, because they gave away their last open slot to the dreamboat on an athletic scholarship. The nerd's not supposed to get the girl in the end. The Colts aren't supposed to beat the Patriots. The Yankees aren't supposed to lose to the Red Sox. This is real life, not a movie.

These are the thoughts that first crossed my head after the game. Then I began to think that maybe the reason I was so pissed wasn't because the Patriots lost, but because of who they lost to. They lost to their "archrivals", which does make for the best overall story. But when my team had the opportunity they came up short. Maybe that was what hurt so much. Not that the dreamboat didn't get the girl, not that the nerd did, but the fact that the one who finally knocked the superstar off his pedastel was someone else. Someone I didn't really like all that much.

See, people like things in black and white. A hero and a villain, a nerd and a jock. What most don't seem to get is, its never that simple. Sure, the jock's brashness and arrogance may be off putting, but he may also have other qualities. And while the nerd seems like someone you can get behind, a lovable loser, maybe in reality he's an angry, nasty SOB, who refuses to accept the blame when anything goes wrong, and puts it off on others. The hero to you may be the villain to someone else.

Then, after sitting there sulking for a while, I realized there was another way to look at things. A way that actually cheered me up and changed my perception of the night's events.

The Colts are not supposed to beat the Patriots, true. The Red Sox are not supposed to beat the Yankees, definitely. The nerd is not supposed to get the girl, except in fairy tails. None of these things are supposed to happen. Yet all of them did. Which just goes to show you how worthless the word impossible is. I hate to quote a sneaker commercial, but its apropos. Impossible is nothing. Given the right set of circumstances, anything is possible. This is not a realization that came to me suddenly. Its something that, deep down, I've always believed in. The fact that, after years of coming up short, the Colts finally managed to break through shows this is true. Wanting it bad just isn't enough. You have to be willing to put in the effort, and not just any effort but the right effort. And it helps to have luck on your side too. When fortune smiles on you, anything can be accomplished . . . which reminds me . . . I have a phone call to make.

Cowboys vs. Seahawks: The Running Diary

2007-01-07T22:04:00.001-05:00

Saturday January 6, 2007 was the opening round of the NFL playoffs. Since the Panthers are out of it this year, I really don't have a rooting interest, and would have been content to watch the games at home, or someone else's house. However, since Dmo is a diehard Cowboys fan, he wanted to be surrounded by other Cowboys fans while watching their opening round game against the Seahawks. While you could go to pretty much any bar in the U.S. and be surrounded by Cowboys fans, we chose to head to Bailey's, my second home on NFL Sundays, and the new Korean Rummy capital of Rockland County. Since I've watched several a Cowboys game with Dmo, I knew it was not an overstatement when he declared it would be a shitshow, and I knew that rather than trying to keep him in line, the right thing to do would be to keep a running diary.

730pm - Rick and I cease playing Smackdown at his house and leave to pick up Dmo. On the trip over we discuss how crowded Bailey's normally is during football games, and how crowded it normally is Saturday nights and realize we may be making a huge mistake. Rick however, remains the eternal optimist, repeating over and over, "Maybe it won't be crowded."

742 - Rick mumbles something and trails off, leading me to make fun of him, which leads him to bring up my epic trail off from the 2005 Preakend, only this time, I am ready for him:

Ostrowe: "They're certainly not using it to make the rest stops any better."

It only took me a year and a half to finish that thought.

758 - We arrive at Bailey's to find the parking lot overflowing with cars. Miraculously Rick finds a spot, and we enter the bar, navigating through a massive sea of humanity before finally coming to a stop near the porch entrance; I think every single person I've ever seen in Bailey's at one time or another is here tonight, with the notable exception of the Hottest Chick on the Planet.

802 - Dmo orders the first of what will be many pints of Budweiser; one of the regular bartenders nearly goes into shock when I tell her I only want Sprite instead of my usual Bud Light.

803 - A moment of silence for the Badfish concert bracelet, which ripped as I grabbed my Sprite from the bar.

Badfish concert bracelet
10/1/06 - 1/6/07
It will be missed.

806 - The new waitress looks like she got lost on her way to perform the early shift at Lace; Dmo comments that his beer is going down smoothly and also informs us that he was boozing at home before he left. This is going to get ugly.

820 - After seeing a commercial for the Apprentice, Dmo exclaims that he is excited for his Apprentice office pool at work, further proving his degenerate gambling addiction.

828 - A fat chick sitting at the bar yells "Go Seahawks!" to taunt Dmo; he responds by calling her a mooncricket.

843 - An actual mooncricket in an Aikman jersey buys Dmo's next round.

905 - Dmo is irate at the Cowboys being flagged for holding on third down and spikes his visor to the ground in disgust.

921 - While trying to discard wing bones I somehow managed to drop them on the floor. I am retarded.

925 - TO drops a pass and inspires derisive cheers from the majority of the bar. Dmo demands that I write "TO = Mooncricket" in the running diary.

927 - A patron mistakes Dmo's drunken stumbling for wanting to dance; Dmo claims he will be dancing when Dallas scores.

Dmo: "I'll be doing the hokey pokey!"

929 - The crowd erupts after a Dallas touchdown; Dmo loudly yells "That was handsome!!!"

Rick: "How did you come to be a Cowboys fan?"
Dmo: (arrogantly) "Because I live in America"

930 - Dmo is easily dissuaded from taking a boozing break at halftime.

943 - Flatulence.

945 - Dmo crosses the line, calling Rick by the same invective he used for Jerry Oswald at Springfield.

947 - Dmo asks for another beer by yelling "Hey Tillman!" at the bartender wearing a Pat Tillman jersey and shaking his glass at him.

1003 - Dmo assaults Rick after Miles Austin runs back the kickoff for a TD, then yells out "HE'S A MOONCRICKET!!!!!!" so that the entire bar can hear. Its a good thing no one has any idea what that word means.

1017 - Dmo continually tells an older broad with the worst bangs in the history of the world she likes Barber. She needs a fucking Barber to do something with that awful hair. She looks like she's wearing a Davy Crockett coonskin cap on her head.

1019 - Dmo, yelling at no one in particular: "Goddamn Mooncricket!"

1027 - Dmo to an old guy wearing a UVA polo shirt: "I hope Al Groh dies." The UVA fan chuckles on his way out the bar. I would have ripped into him myself if not for the fact that he is a regular. Still, I don't like him, and I hope Al Groh dies.

1028 - At this point Dmo isn't even speaking English anymore.

1040 - Dmo condemns referee Walt Anderson to Auschwitz.

1052 - A biker guy with tattoos up and down his arms shows up, Rick mistakes him for Comic Book Guy.

1055 - Dmo predicts the game will end on a field goal from "Automatica".

1059 - Dmo declares TO is handsome.

1109 - Romo botches the snap and Bailey's erupts, Dmo is too drunk to react appropriately.

1114 - The tab arrives; Dmo drank 9 pints of Bud in the little over three hours we were there.

1120 - Dmo trips down the stairs as we are leaving the bar, crashing into an SUV. He then trips going back up the stairs, then once again going back down the stairs, crashing into another car.

Dmo promised a shitshow, and he did not dissapoint. Throughout the course of the night we were on the receiving end of several dirty looks from our fellow patrons. As for the game itself, having watched my team blow a game on the biggest stage, I have a lot of sympathy for Dmo watching his team lose in such devestating fashion. But not so much sympathy that it prevented Rick and I from writing all over him when he passed out later playing Smackdown.

Since I am not Rick, the videos didn't work when I tried to embed them, so I will just link to them instead:

Dmooncricket

Dmo Hearts Pants

Dmo is winded

Being Mature Ain't All Its Cracked Up to Be

2006-12-29T22:26:00.002-05:00

It's rare for me to meet a girl I'm actually interested in. In the past when this has happened, I've been too much of a pussy to make a move. To be fair, it is hard for me to pick up on the subtle signs that some girls give off, so rather than make a move when there might be nothing there, I've chosen not to do anything at all. As a result I tend to only enter into relationships and the like with girls who go about making their intentions known in a very obvious way. Almost without fail, these girls usually have a myriad of issues, and as a result the relationships end up collapsing in one way or another. After a particularly bad breakup with one, which you can read about here, I finally decided to pull the douche out of my vagina and actually pursue girls I was into. So I asked out this girl I was interested in.

When we first met we were both involved with other people, so I didn't take much notice of her, other than the fact that she was kinda cute. The more we got to talking, the more I liked her, so eventually I asked her out. At this point I was still reeling from the breakup with the ex, so I wasn't really even thinking of anything romantic, I kinda just wanted to hang out with her. She seemed to enjoy herself, and I enjoyed having her around, so I asked her out again. While it was a pretty good time, I didn't feel like we really clicked. Also, there were . . . circumstances that led me to temper my pursuit. But there was something about her I just couldn't get out of my head.

We hung out sporadically over the next month or so, when one of her friends decided she was going to make a move on me. Now, I was not attracted to this girl and am still not, but I do enjoy getting attention from females, even ones I have no intentions of getting involved with. But I made it pretty clear I was not interested. Shortly after this interaction with her friend, I asked the girl out again, and I brought up the exchange the two of us had had. It turned out she had told her friend she didn't think I was attracted to her, so I made it clear that I was. She was an attractive girl with a decent personality, why wouldn't I be?

Things progressed after that date. We began to hang out more often, though still sporadically. And the more we hung out, the more I found I liked about her. Eventually I realized that she was the type of girl I could see myself in a long term relationship with. So I told her I was crazy about her. It went well, or so I thought at the time. But it turned out to be a harbinger of the end of the relationship.

See, something I failed to mention about this girl is the circumstances through which we met each other. I'm not going to get into the specifics here, but most people reading can probably figure it out. And yes, these would be the same circumstances that led me to cool my pursuit of her for a bit. But eventually, I got over them. I'm not the type to throw away what could potentially be something special for any reason. Sadly, she did not feel the same way.

What sucks is I didn't find this out until I went to end things. I got tired of being the one doing all the pursuing, and laid it out there for her. She told me that the reason she had been hesistant to pursue anything was because of said circumstances, and that she didn't think she could ever get over them. So I decided that if I couldn't have it all, I'd rather have nothing.

It wasn't a tough decision. It was the right thing to do, and the mature move to make. Still, it stings. The thing that kills me the most is that if it wasn't for the circumstances that caused us to end things, we never would have met in the first place. Just another one of fate's cruel jokes.

Still, if anything, this experience has made me more determined to go after what I want in life and love, consequences be damned. Though things wound up not working out in the end, I feel better having made an effort than doing nothing at all. And that's the way I plan on looking at things from here on out.

If the Suit Fits. . .

2006-12-28T22:43:00.001-05:00

Since the Panthers season was pretty much cursed before it even started, I haven't really paid as much attention as usual to football this season. Another reason for this is I'm also not a fan of the NFL's new tv deals among other things, cheifly the removal of NFL Prime Time from my television. One of the few new quirks the NFL has implemented this season I do favor is the allowing of coaches to wear suits on the sidelines. Sure, its only two coaches, and its only for two games, but it got me thinking, "What if the NFL let coaches wear suits whenever they wanted? Which coaches would/should?" There's no better place to answer those questions than right here. Let's get started.

Bill Parcells (Dallas Cowboys) - I don't know that they even make suits big enough to fit Big Tuna. I'm surprised they can even find team apparel that fits him. He's another couple of burgers away from having to wear an official Dallas Cowboys mumu on the sidelines.
Tom Coughlin (New York Giants) - I've seen him wear suits at press conferences, it just doesn't work. He looks like a jackass. Plus he needs the hat to cover up his bald head. I hate Tom Coughlin.
Andy Reid (Philadelphia Eagles) - He is another fat bastard. For some reason when I picture him in a suit I keep picturing Oliver Hardy. Or Laurel. Whichever the fat one in Laurel and Hardy was. I think he could make it work though.
Joe Gibbs (Washington Redskins) - Back in the day, before FOX even dreamt of the NFL, and before TheRick had even drank coffee, let alone gotten it for Dick Ebersol himself, Joe Gibbs was on the NBC pregame show. He looked pretty good in a suit. He also looks good in his current sideline apparel. Too bad for Redskins fans that it doesn't translate to the football field. He could go either way and look fine.
Lovie Smith (Chicago Bears) - I think Lovie could pull it off, but I think he'd look better in the team apparel. He looks quite comfortable out there. And snazzy.
Brad Childress (Minnesota Vikings) - This man is bald and has Rod Marinelli's cheesy mustache. In a suit he would look like a 10th grade biology teacher. Not that he really looks like he should be coaching football in the team apparel anyway.
Mike McCarthy (Green Bay Packers) - I have no idea what he looks like. Upon viewing his picture, he is a chinless, pasty white guy. Maybe a suit would make him look respectable. At least people would actually know who he is then. As is he looks like he should be bagging groceries at Shop Rite.
Rod Marinelli (Detroit Lions) - As has been stated before, he does not have a cheesy mustache. In his NFL.com picture he is actually in a suit. He looks like a shop teacher. He doesn't exactly project an air of authority. He should stick to the team apparel. Not that that really seems to be working either.
Sean Payton (New Orleans Saints) - He looks good in a suit, but I was originally going to suggest he stick to team apparel. But after watching Sunday's game against the Giants, I think he should definitely switch to the suit. With his sweats on and his hat pulled over his eyes, he looked like a little kid out there.
Jim Mora (Atlanta Vicks) - I could definitely see him in a suit. However, I think he would look more like a salesman than an NFL head coach. Not that he's all that imposing in the team apparel either.
John Fox (Carolina Panthers) - I keep trying to picture him in a suit and all it reminds me of is someone's uncle who had too much to drink at the wedding. Stick with the team apparel.
Jon Gruden (Tampa Bay Bucs) - I definitely think he should stick with the team apparel. He looks like he's twelve years old to begin with, stick him in a suit and it looks like he should be going to his grandfather's funeral.
Mike Holmgren (Seattle Seahawks) - Team apparel. With his bifocals and thinning hair in a suit he would just resemble an ineffectual guidance counselor. Not exactly the image one looks for in the head coach of a pro football team.
Scott Linehan (St. Louis Rams) - He moves around alot on the sidelines, so you would think he would be good in the team apparel. But he also does a lot of yelling. In a suit he would give off the aura of a stockbroker on wall street trying to close a big deal. I think suit is the way to go.
Dennis Green (Arizona Cardinals) - He wore a suit while cohosting ESPNews' Monday Quarterback during his time off from coaching, and he looked quite dapper. Now that he is back on the sidelines you can tell how fat he really is. Without a doubt he should go back to the suit. The team apparel is not flattering.
Mike Nolan (San Francisco 49ers) - One of the two NFL coaches to actually wear a suit. And he wore it well. Too bad he couldn't wear it the entire season.
Bill Belichek (New England Patriots) - The man just looks at home in sweats. The few times I've seen him in a suit he fidgets worse than a five year old having to get his picture taken.
Eric Mangini (New York Jets) - He is rather large and squat, but he also bears a passing resemblence to the late Hank Stram, who patrolled the sidelines in a suit for years. I definitely think he could pull it off.
Nick Saban (Miami Dolphins) - Definitely a suit kinda guy. If you look at what he wears normally, its a team polo shirt with some nice khaki pants. You can tell he's aching to take it one step further.
Dick Jauron (Buffalo Bills) - See, its a tough call with him. He's not a very good coach to begin with, and he looks like a doof in the team apparel. So you would think he would look better in a suit, but that would require him to take his hat off and reveal his awful haircut. If only there was a way he could wear the hat with the suit, then maybe things would work out.
Brian Billick (Baltimore Ravens) - He is a laid back kinda head coach. While the suit would definitely give him more of an air of authority, I don't think that's really his style. He is pretty pompous though, so he might go for it.
Marvin Lewis (Cincinatti Bengals) - Definitely should switch to the suit. Although he manages to look good in the team apparel, I think the suit would definitely bring some much needed discipline to the locker room. In other words, maybe if he wore a suit, his players would actually worry about getting arrested instead of throwing caution to the wind.
Bill Cowher (Pittsburgh Steelers) - He's been a fixture on the Steelers sideline in the team apparel since I started watching football. I can't picture him wearing anything else.
Romeo Crennel (Cleveland Steamers) - Again, someone I can't picture in a suit. Could fit into the Denny Green category, but I think he is more along the lines of the Big Tuna. Stick to the team sweats.
Tony Dungy (Indianapolis Colts) - Could go either way. But I think he should stick to the team garb, if only because he can wear the hat to cover up his oddly misshapen bald head.
Jackass Del Rio (Jacksonville Jaguars) - The other head coach to wear a suit this season. He looked quite handsome.
Jeff Fisher (Tennessee Titans) - Along the lines of Cowher, he's been wearing the team apparel so long I can't picture him in anything else.
Gary Kubiak (Houston Texans) - You could put him and Mike McCarthy in a lineup and I couldn't pick either of them out even if there was only one other guy there. Upon viewing his photo on NFL.com he's tan with slicked back hair. He kinda resembles a pro golfer, so I think the team polo's and khakis are the way to go. A suit would be too much.
Marty Schottenheimer (San Diego Super Chargers) - Similar to Cowher and Fisher, he's been coaching for so long in the team apparel I can't think of him any other way. Plus he's got that unfortunate combover thing going with his hair, so he benefits greatly from the hat. Now that I think of it, he also worked for ESPNews' Monday Quarterback in his time off from coaching. He looked like a tenth grade English teacher who loathed the fact that he'd been stuck in the same school teaching the same stuck up kids for thirty years. While it definitely gave off an "I can snap at any minute and start shooting people from the clock tower vibe", I don't think that's the kind of guy you want coaching a Super Bowl team.
Mike Shanahan (Denver Broncos) - Another veteran of the team apparel. While I think he would look good in a suit, I feel like he would look too much like a high school principal. Especially if you picture him taking off the jacket and acting out a play on the sidelines. He's a principal, but he's not afraid to get his hands dirty and interact with the kids. Stick to the team gear.
Herm Edwards (Kansas City Chiefs) - While he looks quite handsome in the team apparel, I think a suit would put him over the top. Though I doubt it would improve his clock management skills, it might distract the other team to the point where they forget what they're doing also.
Art Shell (Oakland Raiders) - I can't picture him in a suit. He doesn't look right in the team apparel either. When I think of Art Shell the image that comes to mind is one of him wandering around in a robe and slippers like a patient at an old folks home. And with the way he coaches his team, I can't think of a better look for him on the sidelines.

BP's Running Diary

2006-11-21T21:01:00.001-05:00

I don't know if anyone else will find this as funny as I did, but I don't really care either. When I got home from work today I was greeted by the following instant message from BP. Apparently he had wanted to keep a running diary of their trip up to New York and Boston to see the Terps.

Pubs710: bah i tried to do a running diary for our trip last weekend, here's how it came out:

2:17 am - starting to pack
2:20 am - can't find any nice clothes, oh yeah I don't own any
2:21 am - winded
2:22 am - throwing in the towel on the diary

Pubs710: i dont know how you do it sir

Miami vs. Maryland: The Running Diary

2006-11-13T22:30:00.002-05:00

On Saturday November 11, 2006, perennial college football powerhouse Miami made their first trip to College Park in a number of years. Since this was such a momentous matchup, I decided to make the trip down for the game with Dmo and partake in the festivities. And since the combination of booze, travel, the Piccinich Effect and college football is always a recipe for disaster, that meant a running diary was in order.

Prologue: During Thursday's email chain, Dmo attempts to convince me to take a half day of work Friday so that we can leave early. Since I never have anything to do at work on Friday anyway, it doesn't take much convincing.

Friday Nov10

130pm - Dmo arrives to pick me up and we head to Costco to pick up our contributions to the Nubbinsville tailgate: a 36 of Bud Light and a delicious cheese platter.

135 - Unfortunately Dmo hasn't been to Costco in five years and nearly gets us killed as he misses the turn and does a quick U, causing the guy behind us to nearly crash into us.

145 - Dmo decides to explore the Costco parking lot as we are attempting to leave.

149 - Flatulence. The first instance of many throughout the weekend.

225 - We hit a minor traffic jam at Newark airport. Its caused by a bunch of rubberneckers checking out the truck on fire in the northbound lane. In case you thought you misread that, there was a TRUCK ENGULFED IN FLAMES in the northbound lane of the Jersey Turnpike. The traffic jam took an even more surreal turn when a vanful of Hare Krishna's pulled over to the shoulder and two of them got out and walked across the highway in the middle of oncoming traffic. I swear to God I am not making that up. If Dmo hadn't been there to witness the entire scene I would have thought I was back at Albany tripping on shrooms.

236 - Two slimmies pull up next to us, making us regret not bringing any signs on the trip.

304 - Kenny Rogers' "The Gambler" comes on XM. As anyone who read the Springfield running diary knows, this is Dmo's personal theme song.

307 - The slimmies return; possibly out of loyalty to Ole Mel, Dmo decides to cut them off while changing lanes.

314 - The slimmies get off towards Philly without so much as a glance in our direction. Had Jim$ been with us, they would have followed us all the way down to MD and he would have used them as coozies.

316 - Ostrowe: "Its hard to say who's more retarded, Poppers or Pupino."
Dmo: "No, its not even close, its clearly Pupino. The only way you could get more retarded is an actual retarded person."

321 - Mar is winded. He's not on the trip, but no running diary would be complete without that entry.

322 - The previous entry leads to a debate: who is more retarded, Poppers or Mar? Something to ponder throughout the trip.

350 - Flatulence.

358 - Delaware is awful. Thanks to ongoing construction, its even more awful than usual, as the normal 4 lanes of I-95 have been trimmed down to 2. Traffic is literally at a standstill from the moment we cross the Delaware Memorial Bridge.

418 - Still sitting in Delaware traffic, we come upon a car with an "Obama for President 2008" bumper sticker. The driver is a hot chick, so all is forgiven.

421 - Ole Mel calls and cracks us both up by suggesting Poppers is mature.

443 - Delaware is still awful.

448 - We hit 55 mph for the first time in an hour.

451 - We are finally out of the state of Delaware. It's a good thing we're not going north, as traffic is backed up for 5 miles in the northbound lane.

554 - Thanks to an accident on I-95, we are now sitting in traffic 10 exits away from where we need to get off. We decide to prank call Big E at work to pass the time. The first call goes awry, as I am unable to stop laughing and quickly hang up. The second call goes slightly better as I am able to ask to speak to Big E. The chick who answers tells me, "He's gone," then as I am saying good bye responds, "Later." Very professional at Deutsche Bank. The third call is even more miserable as I ask to get put through to voicemail, only to be told that there isn't one as its a shared line. I respond "Fair enough, have a good evening," and resolve to plan ahead the next time I decide to make a prank call.

612 - Traffic is miserable, Mar is winded.

617 - After four hours we finally exit I-95 in Laurel MD, and head to Oliver's. Those of you who read the Super Bowl post may remember Oliver's as the bar I threatened to burn to the ground and piss on the ashes. Needless to say, I am apprehensive about making my first appearence in almost 2 years.

621 - Finally, The Dan They Call Ostrowe has come back to Olivers! The place is packed, and aside from a few sideways glances from the staff, no one seems to care. Apparently, all is forgiven. Dmo and I take seats next to Scott Ryan and Bobby the Pats fan and sit down to enjoy some trivia. Some highlights:

- Bobby's pictures from Halloween of him dressed in costume as an outhouse.
- Scott Ryan hitting on a girl across the bar despite her boyfriend sitting right next to her.
- Me dominating trivia under my NTN psuedonym, BUDDYC.
- An obnoxious jerkoff at the bar under the nom de plum TONY2 loudly remarking, "Hey, I'm tied with BuddyC!"
- Me housing a delicious Kitchen Sink burger.
- The waitress's outstanding T's hanging out of her shirt.
- Me nearly matching my 15000 point perfect game at movie trivia, coming up a mere 600 points short.

856 - After saying our goodbyes and attemping to get Scott Ryan to come to tomorrow's tailgate, we finally depart Oliver's. Sadly, Dmo has no idea where we're going, and I lost the pen I was using for the running diary. Also, flatulence.

929 - After a phone call to Jurgen for directions to their apartment in Gaithersburg, Dmo immediately forgets the directions. I offer to call Jurgen back and Dmo chastises me for doubting his ability to get us there; I point out that Dmo has already gotten us lost twice on this trip, once in the Costco parking lot and once in Laurel, where he lived for over a year; Dmo turns down the volume on the radio so I can hear his flatulence.

933 - We arrive at Poppers and Jurgen's apartment; Jim$ is denied access to the running diary.

1011 - Eddie O and Peg arrive after a subpar meal; Eddie O complains of poor service and not getting back to the apartment in time for Matlock.

1014 - Jim$ puts Cole's new toy in his mouth (For those who don't know, Cole is Poppers' dog). From now on Jim$ will be referred to as "eccentric billionaire Jim$"

1139 - Peg attempts to make Jim$ feel better: "Jimmy, I don't think you're rich or get a lot of women."

1141 - Cole flatulates in Eddie O's face as he is trying to sleep. Everyone calls it a night as its going to be an early day tomorrow; since the parking lot opens six hours before the game, the 330 game time means 930 tailgate time.

Saturday Nov 11

710am - Everyone wakes up at pretty much the same time.

751 - After 20 minutes of everyone arguing about breakfast, Dmo & Peg head out the door to get breakfast; they return less than a minute later when Peg can't find her wallet.

753 - I flatulate on Jim$ as I head towards the shower, wondering if Peg will have found her wallet by the time I am done.

810 - Remarkably they are gone when I exit the shower, and as a bonus BP has arrived at the apartment.

833 - Dmo, Peg and Jim$ return is marked by Dmo screaming that Cole's a "FUCKING ASSHOLE". Peg relates a story of Dmo and Jim$ fighting over milk at Giant: "They looked like two old women." Peg cooks Eddie O breakfast. Eddie O is pleased.

843 - Over/under on when Jim$ disappears from the tailgate to bang slimmies set at 1145am.

907 - We depart the apartment only 7 minutes off schedule. Jim$ and BP leave first, followed by me and Poppers, then the rest of them.

934 - Flatulence.

940 - Poppers and I arrive to find BP guarding Nubbinsville with a whiffle bat and strategically placed cell phones holding the parking spots. I struggle with opening the door to get out of Poppers' car. (In my defense, it was quite perplexing. Also, I am retarded.)

947 - The boozing commences as I crack open a Bud Light.

952 - Eddie O is too retarded to use my bottle opener and requires assistance. I guess he's starting to go senile in his old age.

956 - Dmo$ disappears, possibly to check on his private jet.

10am - Jim$ gets his first phone call from slimmies; you know its from slimmies because he actually answers the phone, when any of us call he lets it go to voicemail.

1008 - Chubbs stops by Nubbinsville before heading to Byrd to perform his team manager duties for the day, such as setting up Fridge's between quarter, halftime and TV timeout meals.

1020 - Jason and Lauren arrive with champagne, classing up the joint.

1025 - Chubbs leaves, classing up the joint even more.

1030 - Jason brought an extra bottle of champagne for Jim$ to drink out of the AbbacoozieTM. A random quote from Jason's friend Mark: "Does that make you Bud?

1033 - The cheese platter is unleashed on Nubbinsville.

1107 - Peg schwoogs some plates from another tailgate, since we of course forgot to bring any.

1113 - Jim$ gets Chik-Fil-A chicks to give us bags of free food.

1118 - One bite into a chicken sandwich and I recall why I hate Chik-Fil-A.

1120 - After lamenting the havoc the cheese platter will wreak on my digestive system, Peg comes through huge by giving me a lactaid pill, sparing me hours of unimaginable GI distress.

1137 - Jurgen loudly vetoes Peg and Lauren's attempt to switch from Gameday to Peg TV; the running diary has been soiled by a Chik-Fil-A brownie. (evidence to the left)

1142 - Dmo places a call to Scott Ryan who says he can't make the tailgate because he's doing "stuff" aka "having dinner"

1146 - Jurgen and I accept the newly reunited Team Kennedy's challenge to a game of cornhole.

1155 - We get shutout because we are quite possibly the worst cornhole team in history while Jim$ gets into a heated political argument with the newly arrived Dunn about Governor Erlich; Jim$ hijacks the running diary to note that Dunn is insisting Ehrlich did not run as a republican in 2002, when in fact he did; I am forced to admonish Jim$ for using an improper running diary entry technique.

1209 - A slightly sauced BP attempts to add shade to the tent; surprisingly it does not end with the entire tent collapsing on him.

1214 - Flatulence.

1231 - There is a guy walking around the parking lot playing a sax; as he walks by Nubbinsville Dunn takes the opportunity to throw a ham and cheese sandwich at him.

1232 - Jim$ gets another call from slimmies.

1236 - Team Kennedy violently dissolves after a collapse reminiscent of the Cardinals against the Bears on Monday night; apparently Team Kennedy is who we thought they were.

1238 - Poppers fires up the grill. Dmo, still bitter over the cornhole collapse: "I'd like to throw BP on that grill."; Dunn brags about how he has more watches than Mar and Jim$ put together; I experience a swing and a miss with the gaggle of slimmies that walks by, probably because they are on their way back to Rick's dorm room.

1242 - BP causes the demise of the cheese platter, knocking it to the pavement.

1249 - Flatulence.

108 - Peg brilliantly suggests adding cheese and bacon to my hot dog, creating an epic collage of tastes (but not a Collage of TastesTM).

114 - Team Kennedy is still fueding over the cornhole collapse. Dmo to BP: "I hate you." BP responds by flatulating on Dmo.

131 - Its so damn hot; milk was a baaaad choice.

135 - Jim$ is gone and the over wins. Dmo calls up his bookie Trustey to see how much he won.

139 - Peg and I embark on a cheese mission, attempting to lure slimmies back to Nubbinsville with the resurrected cheese platter. Sadly, the mission fails miserably. Peg blames the lack of toothpicks. As a last resort, we decide to leave a cheese trail leading back to Nubbinsville; this also proves unsuccessful.

158 - I flatulate on BP, I assure you he had it coming.

159 - Jim$ wanders off in search of slimmies.

202 - Jim$ ladyfriends, Rory and Jenn, arrive at Nubbinsville.

212 - Peg, BP and I venture to the portapottys where Peg makes friends with the 3 year old girl in line in front of us. Peg and I attempt to leave BP behind but he catches on to our plan.

226 - I get a picture with a faux Steve Smith playing cornhole as we chat about the Panthers season.
Faux Steve Smith: "You've gotta get a Steve Smith jersey."
Ostrowe: "I've got a Dan Morgan jersey."
Faux Steve Smith: "Isn't he dead?"
Ostrowe: "Good luck with your cornhole."

232 - Nubbinsville is dismantled to prepare for the game.

301 - Peg is completely sauced; the entry in the running diary just reads "Peg needs to stop talking".

318 - Despite the fact that the game starts in 12 minutes, we are still standing in the parking lot. While discussing whether or not there will be a moment of silence for the late Brian Pata, or the late Ed Bradley, BP demands a moment of silence for the late Ed Grimley.

319 - As we finally depart the parking lot, Dmo laments wagering and then losing his entire paycheck to Trustey.

321 - Dmo chases after BP with a discarded dinner roll found on the walk over; Eddie O has to double back to retrieve Peg from the parking lot.

324 - BP heaves the dinner roll at a he/she in a leather jacket. He narrowly misses, and I still have no idea if its a guy or a chick.

326 - Dmo hits BP with a Warrior-esque running shoulderblock.

329 - An explosion at Byrd prompts Poppers to suggest they just shot Brian Pata out of a cannon; I give Jenn my water bottle to hide in her purse and sneak into the stadium.

333 - Jenn gets my water bottle confiscated by security, setting off the following exchange of text messages:

Ostrowe: "Bah, I'm dehydrated."
Jenn: "Bah I am sorry"
O: "Bah its ok"
J: "do u want me to get u a water? Im sorry"
O: "Bah if you get me one ill pay you back when we get out of here"
J: "Peg said it is overpriced - and to go to the waterfountain!"
O: "Peg is sauced, it is overpriced, thats why i brought my own"
J: "u should have snuck it in yourself then"
O: "Bah i was winded"
J: "Bah me too"

346 - Of course we get stuck next to a scumbag U of Miami fan who thinks its ok to scream and curse, but when the guy in front of us asks him "Shouldn't you be at a wake?" he thinks that's crossing the line.

4pm - The Miami fan gets flustered when the Terps score a TD.

418 - Maryland scores another TD as the Miami fan gets hit by a candy bar from above. He tries to start shit and gets shoved by an IRS lookalike a few rows behind us. The Miami fan quickly calls the cops over, who tell him to settle down. What a douche.

440 - Direct quote from the running diary: "forced to get a replacement drink because Jenn is an MC".

456 - Jim$ ladyfriends leave; to the surprise of no one Jim$ disappears shortly after.

512 - Dmo prank calls Eddie O's mom, asks for Griff and wants to know if he has the right number for Gary's Shoes.

548 - Mar is winded.

635 - With a minute left to play, Miami muffs the punt and Maryland recovers, running out the clock for an ugly win. The douchebag next to us makes a quick exit, as we stay to watch the student section rush the field. Not out of team pride, but because we are going to have to either wait in the stadium or the parking lot, and we are all too winded to make the walk to the parking lot.

647 - In an unprecedented display of class by Miami fans, two guys in the student section wearing Rolle and Savage jerseys shake the hand of every single Maryland fan who walks by on their way off the field. Why couldn't we have been seated next to them?

652 - On the walk back to the parking lot, we pass a guy wearing a Pat Tillman jersey. I comment that you can't get them any more due to certain NFL regulations, to which BP responds, "You can, it just has a lot of holes in it."

710 - After everyone arrives back at Nubbinsville, Peg pulls a bag of chips out of the car.

Peg: "That's why they call me 'Good Call Peg'"
Ostrowe: "Is that what they call you?"
Peg: "I don't know . . . they should."

714 - Dmo flatulates on Eddie O.

730 - Ostrowe: "There's nothing wrong with flatulence."
Lauren: "Apparently not, I saw it on that sheet at least five times."

745 - After an interminable wait for both the traffic exiting the parking lot to clear up and everyone to determine where we are going for dinner, Poppers and I exit the parking lot. The plan is to meet up at Hard Times with the rest of the mooncrickets after they drop Peg off at the apartment so she can walk Cole. Of course, everyone knows how well Picciniches get along with plans.

8pm - Stuck in traffic, we are graced by the Fridge doing a commercial for a local law firm: "If your family is ever mangled in a car crash, call the law offices of Piccinich, Piccinich and Cincimino." (I don't remember the name of the law firm)

818 - Flatulence. Poppers: "It smells like burning."

822 - It turns out the accident that stopped traffic for 20 minutes was a mere fender bender. BP calls to inform us that the mooncrickets got off and are taking the back roads back to the apartment, so theoretically me and Poppers will be alone at Hard Times for a while.

847 - After stopping for gas, Poppers calls the SUV a mooncricket for warning him that the fuel level is low after he just filled up.

9pm - Poppers and I are lost in Germantown looking for Hard Times. In what is possibly a good omen, Poppers stops at Bailey's Grill to ask for directions; sadly Caroline is nowhere in sight.

906 - Elation as we finally arrive at hard times; we plant ourselves in the row of recliners situated in front of the giant projection screen TVs.

918 - Our waitress is Buddy C; after seeing our IDs she asks "What the hell are you guys doing in Maryland?" Apparently she is colorblind and can't read our red "Maryland football" tshirts.

926 - The mooncrickets arrive, 20 minutes after BP called to tell me they were 10 minutes away.

1020 - BP stops by my recliner to flatulate on his way to the facilities.

1056 - Depart Hard Times; it turns out the reason our waitress was so surly because tonight is her anniversary and her girlfriend is pissed at her for working. Later when I ask Dmo if he knew our waitress was a lesbian he responds, "Yeah, when I called Jurgen a fag she glared at me and said 'I'm gay, you asshole.'"

1112 - We return to the apartment and pass out shortly afterwards due to a severe case of fatigue caused by some acute tailgatitis.

Sunday Nov 12

sometime before 4am - As Eddie O steps over me to go take a piss, I roll over and call him a mooncricket in my sleep.

sometime between 4 and 5am - Peg is picked up by a limo, whisking her off to a plane standing by to fly her to a job interview; everyone wishes her luck. Well everyone would have if they were conscious.

715am - Dmo awakens and gets ready for the horrendous drive home in the torrential downpour that is going on outside.

741 - Eddie O sprints to the bathroom for a monster schize, brought to you thanks to his purchase of Hard Times chili the night before, ordered extra greasy.

750 - We try to leave but Dmo's toothbrush is in the bathroom with Eddie O. Dmo knocks on the door to inform him, Eddie O responds, "Oh no."

753 - Eddie O finally departs the bathroom, proclaiming there will be another round later.

8am - Dmo and I leave the apartment and embark on the drive back to Rockland. It's pouring rain but in a good sign, "Funky Cold Medina" comes on XM.

803 - Flatulence.

817 - B F'N J wins out over Wild Cherry in a tight XM battle.

824 - Dmo misses the exit for I-95, forcing us to take a brief detour through College Park.

838 - The monsoon sets in. Though we can barely see out the windshield its still not even close to the Storm of the Century in Kentucky.

857 - Fort McHenry tunnel provides a welcome respite from the rain; once we exit the tunnel it doesn't rain the rest of the trip; score one for the good guys.

945 - Entering Delaware, we set the o/u on hitting the bridge @ 1033.

958 - Miraculously we make it all the way through Delaware without hitting any traffic; the under wins by a landslide.

1045 - After a close battle, it's determined that Mar is more retarded than Poppers, because Poppers is more subtly retarded, whereas with Mar its quite obvious; you actually have to get to know Poppers a little bit before realizing how retarded he actually is.

1119 - Ole Mel calls as Dmo is making the turn onto the Garden State, forcing him to hand the phone over to me. After we are safely on the Parkway, Dmo motions for the phone and Ole Mel and I both say "It was nice talking to you." Unfortunately for Ole Mel, she is too slow and I jinx her; she now owes me a beer.

1203pm - After a long 48 hours we finally return home. In the words of TheBoss, "Titties."

As far as tailgates go, this was definitely one of the more mellow ones. Despite the amount of booze flowing freely, no one aside from the usual suspects (BP and Peg) got hammered, and even they weren't that bad. The game itself, though close, was uglier than Evelyn on any given night at Fitzy's. The Terps managed to win despite only holding on to the ball for 20 minutes of game time. But a win is a win, and the weekend itself, though not spectacular, was a solid W.

Like a Hermaphrodite Waiting for a Bathroom at a Crowded Bar, I Have No Idea Where I Stand

2006-10-30T23:28:00.002-05:00

In this day and age, most people are familiar with eBay and similar online auction sites and how they work. You see something you like, place a bid, and hope no one outbids you before time is up. Its that simple. But those sites don't always have what you're looking for. What then?

Let's use a jersey for example. Say you want a jersey of a certain player on your favorite team. But that jersey's unavailable for one reason or another. Maybe its out of your price range. Maybe you can afford it, but you're not sure how to go about making a bid. Or maybe they don't have it on the site at all. But they do have another jersey. I mean, sure, its not the one you wanted, and it might be a little tattered in spots, but its almost too good of a deal to pass up. Do you put the bid down on this jersey, even though it wasn't what you wanted, just because you know you can win it with a bargain basement bid?

I used to think the way someone answered that question said a lot about who they were as a human being. But in real life things are never that cut and dried.

For this example, let's say you put the bid down just for the hell of it. And now I'm gonna ask you to suspend disbelief for a bit here, and say that because there were no other bids, the seller let you try the jersey on for a night. Maybe you got a lot of compliments on how it looked on you, but you found it kind of ill-fitting. So after you gave the jersey back you thought about rescinding your bid. But you didn't.

Now, with your bid sitting there, you start searching for other jerseys, hoping to find the one you were looking for in the first place. But a couple of weeks go by, and you still can't find a good one. So for the hell of it you go back and check on your old bid. Lo and behold, you're still the only bidder. So again, you let it sit there and start searching for other jerseys. But then something funny happens.

You go back to check on the jersey you bid on, only the item has been removed. "What the fungus??!!", you say to yourself. So you contact the seller. They tell you it had to be taken down for a little bit, but that they have some other items they'd like to show you. But these aren't even close to what you were looking for in the first place. You tell them thanks, but you were really only interested in the jersey. And when the listing for the jersey comes back on, you make another bid. Only this is a little higher than the first one. Not much, but enough to let the seller know that the jersey is all your interested in. At least, that's what you tell yourself. But maybe you're a little more attached to the jersey than you'd like to think you are.

Now you've got your bid in, so the seller let's you borrow the jersey again. Only there's something different this time. Maybe it fits a little better than you remember. Maybe it looks a little better on you than you originally thought. Or maybe you're so fed up with looking for the right jersey, that at this point you'll take anything that comes along. Whatever it is, its enough for you to want to take the jersey home and hang it in your closet, just for a night. Then things start getting weird.

You give the jersey back to the seller, and don't bother to increase your bid. Why should you? With minimal effort you were able to get the jersey in your closet. It's not like the seller doesn't know, they certainly didn't do anything to stop you. Shit, they even had a smile on their face while it was going on. But when you and the seller talk, you don't ever mention it taking place. Which makes it even weirder when you put the jersey in your closet a second time. And weirder still when you talk to the seller and find out someone else has been flashing money around.

So you start to question things. Obviously this guy flashing money around wants to have this jersey. He just hasn't made a bid yet. You're not too worried, cause you know you've got enough to outbid him if it comes to that. So you ask the seller if you can borrow the jersey one more time, but it turns out you can't that weekend because the seller is taking the jersey to the Bronx to visit the former best friend of its previous owner.

Again, this is no big deal, because he's never placed a bid on the jersey, in fact he hasn't even expressed interest. Then shit gets even weirder when you go to check on your bid and find out the jersey's been sold. Only you can't find out to who.

You start wondering if your measly little bid really won the auction. Sure, you had the jersey in your closet a couple of times, but was that really enough to sway the seller? Then you notice that someone else has placed a couple of recent bids. Is it the same guy who was flashing money around? You don't know. All you know is the jersey's been sold, and you can't get a hold of the seller. You start to wonder how long this other party has been placing bids. And you wonder why the seller let you put the jersey in your closet if this was going on.

When you finally get a hold of the seller, you're all set to ask them about your bid when they hit you with a doozy: the previous owner's former best friend wanted the jersey all along, he was just too much of a pussy to place a bid. Since hearing this news, the seller has been completely frazzled. This guy was the one person they thought would never place a bid. The don't want to sell it to him, but the seller's gotten so many offers they don't know what to do with the jersey anymore. So you let the seller off the hook for the time being without any answers. Cause now you've got some thinking to do yourself.

When this whole thing started, you weren't even all that into the jersey. The main thing that attracted you to it was the lack of other bidders. But since you had a laissez faire attitude about the whole thing, you let enough time pass so that others could get in on the bidding. And now you appear to be getting beaten out.

Obviously the noble thing to do is drop out of the bidding. These other bidders really seem to want the jersey, and for you it would simply be a luxury purchase. But you hate to lose. Especially with the funds at your disposal. You could drive the bidding up so high the other guys wouldn't stand a chance. But, you have to ask yourself, is it worth the effort?

I pose this question to you, the reader, and encourage feedback. Because right now, I don't have an answer.

The Revenge of Flan LeBatard

2006-10-07T18:26:00.001-04:00

Several months back Rick and I auditioned for the World Series of Pop Culture. Obviously we didn't make it on the show, and you can read about that in Rick's recap. You can also take note of our encounter with Flan LeBatard, Dan LeBatard's equally as hateable, nowhere near as famous doppleganger. After the WSOPC audition I never imagined our paths would cross again. Sadly, I was mistaken.

The first or second week of September I got an email with the subject line "Attention World Series of Pop Culture Contestant." It turned out the same production company was also in charge of "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire", and they were going to be having a week of all pop culture themed shows. At first I was hesitant to even fill out the entry form, seeing as I was suffering from a touch of SARS, caught in Maryland during opening weekend for UMD football. But eventually I figured I had nothing to lose, so I filled it out.

A day or so later, I got a response email telling me to head to the ABC building on 66th street in the city, September 13 @ 630pm for my audition. As that was about a week away, I had hoped the SARS would have run its course by then. That was not the case.

When September 13 finally arrived, I spent all day at work counting down the minutes until I could get the hell out of there. Not much different from any other day, except for the fact that I was feeling exceptionally crappy. My throat felt like I had swallowed a loose strand of barbed wire, and my head was throbbing like I had just woken up from an all night bender. Not exactly the best state to be in when you are going to be taken a written test on pop culture. Still, I wasn't going to back down at this point, no matter how bad I felt.

Aside from a half hour traffic jam getting onto the GW, the drive in was uneventful. I parked in the same garage I had for the Beerfest sneak preview, and walked the two blocks to 66th. Even in my weakened state, I couldn't supress a chuckle when I saw the sign proclaiming it "Peter Jennings Way".

Since I forgot the exact address and there were a bunch of buildings labeled "ABC" with people milling about in front, I wasn't sure which one I was supposed to be at. My throat was in such pain at this point, so it took quite the effort to go up to one of the buildings and manage a feeble, "Is this the Millionaire audition?" One of the official looking people out front told me it was and pointed me to the line of people waiting. Score one point for Ostrowe.

I've been on a couple of these things, and its always amazing the mix of people you get. There's the aspiring actor types, who have their hair and makeup done perfectly, and usually bring a portfolio with their headshots and resumes along. And then there's the type of people you expect would be experts at pop culture, the kind who you just know spend all day sitting in their rooms watching old movies and tv shows and sitting at their computers trolling the internet for partial nudes of Star Trek babes. The kind of people who look at something like this the way an Indian kid looks at the national spelling bee. Then there's the people who fall somewhere in the middle. People like me, and the chick I wound up getting in line behind.

She was fairly attractive, about 5'3 with long black hair and a decent but not spectacular body, but she wasn't much for socializing. In fact the more glances I took at her, the more it appeared she was intentionally trying to give off a "leave me alone" vibe. She had her iPod headphones in, and a ring on her left hand that could've passed for an engagement ring. And she sat there reading an article about theater, highlighting selections along the way, almost as if to say she had more important things to do than socialize with her fellow prosepective contestants. I had her pegged for the type that puts up a front to avoid people, because once they let someone in they tend to throw caution to the wind and thus wind up getting hurt. Though I couldn't even get her to make eye contact with me, I still found her far more interesting than the train wreck going on behind me.

A fat guy with glasses who looked like he spent the majority of his time indoors was chatting with a dorky looking guy wearing a suit and tie. From overhearing their conversation I knew that the fat guy had flown in from Oklahoma solely for the Millionaire audition, while the dorky looking guy had come straight from work, taking the train in from Jersey. It was a truly awful conversation, with the fat guy making terrible jokes and the dorky looking guy thinking he was above the conversation, responding in one word answers and such. Between their conversation and the throbbing in my neck, head and sinuses, I wanted to run headfirst into the brick wall we were leaning up against.

After two chicks with clipboards went up and down the line asking for names and checking driver's licenses, they let us into the ABC commissary, where the auditions were taking place. We had to pass thru a metal detector to enter, and I surprisingly managed to make it through without setting it off. A member of the production crew then directed us to sit at certain tables. I wound up at a table with the dorky looking guy behind me on line, an extremely loquacious older broad from Boston who looked like she was a goer back in the day, and a smokin' hot chick with straight blond hair framing her face beautifully.

We were only seated for maybe a minute before Loquacious Boston Chick and I started in with the questions. We asked how everyone had heard about the audition, and everyone at the table but LBC had heard via email. LBC actually watched the show on a regular basis, and called up the number that they had apparently given out. I asked the other two if they'd tried out for the WSOPC, not really caring what the dork had to say, but they both had. I zoned in on the smokin' hot blond, and started asking her more questions. I don't remember what the hell we were talkin about, but she was vibing me hardcore, even with the LBC constantly interrupting with more questions. It wasn't long before the time for talking was through, and they starting going into the pre-test routine. I looked around for my old pal Flan Lebatard, as this was the role he played at the WSOPC audition, but I didn't spot him anywhere. Instead they had a blond guy who kinda looked like the lead singer of the Fray running the show. Same shtick, different douchebag. When he had finished his spiel, they handed out the test, which to my pleasant surprise were multiple choice. Now I really had no excuse if I didn't get a good score.

Some sample questions:

What African nation did Angelina Jolie adopt her second child "Zahara" from?
Which comedian was cut out of the series premiere of Saturday Night Live only to appear as a cast member nine years later?
What candy has a tiny letter S individually painted on each one?
What car company uses the catchphrase "Zoom Zoom Zoom" in their commercials?
What occupation was Jack Tripper training for on Three's Company?

After ten minutes they collected the tests and the scantron answer sheets. I don't know why it used to take teachers in high school days to get tests back to us, because they had the results back in about 2 minutes, barely enough time for the production crew to hand out some crappy t-shirts. Each test was individually numbered, so if they announced your number, that meant you had passed the test and had to move on to the interview portion. LBC's number was one of the first to be called, and I was one of the last. The dork and the smokin' hot blond didn't make it. Between my shock at hearing my number called and the severe case of SARS I didn't even get a chance to ask the smokin' hot blond for her phone number. Hopefully I'll run into her again sometime, but if not there's plenty of other cards in the deck.

They made those of us who passed the test form a line so they could take our picture before we sat down for the interviews. I was behind LBC, who complained that I was going to get in her picture. I told her that she shouldn't worry, because it would make for quite a handsome pic. Since I felt like crap and figured I looked like it too, I did not want my picture taken, and had planned ahead and brought one of my own. Unfortunately I never had the opportunity to bring this up, as the line shuffled along rapidly enough that I was unable to even speak up.

We were then directed to sit at round tables at the other end of the commisarry with the rest of those who passed the written test. No assigned seats this time, so I followed LBC to a table with some older white guy, and a black guy with goofy hair. As I was filling out my forms that I was unable to fill out beforehand because my printer doesn't work, LBC and the goofy haired black dude got to talking. It turned out the goofy haired black guy was quite a pro at these things, having spent the past 10 years in LA trying to make it as an actor. He had also been on the Price is Right, something he had in common with LBC. So as they conversated about the process, I kept an ear open while filling out my forms.

According to the black guy, the way these things worked was that you would sit down with one of the casting agents, and if they liked you then you would get to talk to the casting director. He said one of the ways to know you were in good shape was if they took a lot of notes during your interview. And if they asked you to stick around to talk to someone, you were practically assured of making the show.

There were about 5 or 6 casting agents, with the casting director seated in the middle also conducting interviews. LBC's number was called once again, and she bustled off, hoping to make a good impression. The black guy said he already knew she would be in good shape. After she left, they started consolidating tables, and as luck would have it I wound up at a table with the girl I had waited behind in line. She had already interviewed with one of the casting agents and had been told to stick around. We chatted for a while as a group before they moved us to another table closer to the casting agents, where we were soon joined by LBC, also having been told to stick around.

As the group started talking more, I started honing in on the chick from the line, because, let's face it, she was pretty hot. Not surprisingly, once I started throwing some choice bits of conversation her way, she completely dropped the antisocial vibe and started to open up. Its always refreshing to find out your initial impression of someone is right on the money. Well, almost always. Regardless, I was quite pleased with myself that I was able to correctly analyze the girl just by picking up on the few non-verbal cues she gave off in the line. Maybe college wasn't a total waste if I was able to learn something from all those psych classes.

Of course, LBC dominated the conversation once she sat down, and so I asked her if she was staying in the city overnight. She said she and her husband would be driving back to Beantown right after the audition was over, then countered by asking where I was from. When I responded "Rockland County", business picked up immediately with the antisocial chick.

Antisocial chick: "No way, I'm originally from Rockland! What part?"
Ostrowe: "New City."
Antisocial chick: "Me too, did you go to North?"
Ostrowe: "No, I went to South. You look really familiar, what year did you graduate?"
Antisocial chick: "1994."
Ostrowe: "Oh, I graduated in 2000."
LBC: "So that would make you how old then?"
Ostrowe: (pausing to do the math) " . . . 24."
LBC: "WOW, so you're like really young! That doesn't really matter though, my husband is 27. That's how I knew the question about the age difference between Ashton and Demi, because its the same with us."

I knew she looked like a goer. Luckily the age difference didn't seem to deter the antisocial chick at all. Our conversation continued until I got called up for my interview.

Antisocial chick: "So, what are you, taking the bus back?"
Ostrowe: "God, no! I drove in."
Antisocial chick: "Yeah, I remember what a pain it used to be getting back and forth from the city, I don't miss it."
Ostrowe: "So, you're not still in Rockland?"
Antisocial chick: "No, I haven't been back in, God, I don't even . . ."
Casting agent: "NUMBER 117, DAN OSTROWE."
Ostrowe: "Damn, that's me."
Antisocial chick: "Oh . . . I guess you should go then."

Under normal circumstances there would have been no chance in hell of me getting up mid-conversation with a hot chick that was giving me the vibes I was getting from her, but since I had a chance to get on tv, she understood. Sadly as soon as I got up I realized I had about as much chance of getting on the show as Dante Hicks does at getting with Rosario Dawson in real life. My casting interview was with none other than the walking douche himself, Flan Lebatard.

When I walked over to the table, he eyed me with the look of a person trying to pretend not to remember someone, and I tried to choke back any visible signs of my desire to just punch him in the face. I figured I'd give him the benefit of the doubt, and try and act cordial, which I think I managed to accomplish quite well. He asked me a bunch of questions, which I tried to answer in a manner that would get me on the show, but basically I was trapped at the bottom of Lake Nanuet with no life preserver in site. I knew I was in trouble when he didn't write anything down, and had my fears confirmed about not getting on the show when he wrapped up the interview with a curt, "Ok, we're good!" A fine example of why its not always good when your first impression of someone happens to be right.

Stung by such an obvious rejection and still reeling from the SARS, I stumbled out of the building without so much as a glance at the antisocial chick. I was no longer in any shape to keep up a decent conversation.

It was a mere formality when, just this past week, I received my rejection letter in the mail. Flan Lebatard may have won this round, but if we meet again I'll be prepared. Or maybe I'll just punch him in the face.

NFL Preview 2006

2006-09-06T20:56:00.001-04:00

Its been a busy summer, and I haven't really been able to pay as much attention to football as I would like. But that's not gonna stop me from making some bold predictions. Let's get started. As usual all these picks are subject to change due to the fact that I am retarded. I should also point out that these picks were made during the preseason, and have not been updated since it ended.

AFC East

New England Patriots (12-4)
Conventional wisdom would say that the Pats aren't going to be this good, but have you seen the rest of the teams in this division? I'm not sold at all on Miami, and the Jets and Bills might be two of the worst teams in the league this season. Plus Belicheck can still outcoach 90% of the other teams in the league. I know the receiving corps's not really much to sneeze at, and Laurence Maroney is unproven, but when you have someone as handsome as Tom Brady leading you down the field, very little else matters. And to those who say the Deion Branch situation may be a distraction, I have two words for you: Lawyer Milloy. We all know how things worked out that season. On the flip side though, the loss of Vinatieri will probably cost them a game or two.

Miami Dolphins (9-7)
Daunte Culpepper played lights out in the preseason, but its called preseason for a reason; it doesn't count. I like Nick Saban as a coach, and I could see them getting off to a decent start, but I still don't think they're ready. What I saw of Ronnie Brown last season did not impress me, and the defense isn't getting any younger. Add in the fact that Zach Thomas's sister is back on the market, and there's another distraction. In the NFC they would probably fair better, but in the AFC I predict they fall a few games short of the playoffs.

New York Jets (4-12)
Seriously, how many more times does Fragile Chad have to get hurt before they will pull the plug on him? They had a chance to draft Leinart in the first round this year and passed him up to go to battle with a gimp and a collection of misfits. The O-line should be improved, but they have no one to run the ball, and no one for Chad to throw to, should he manage to throw the ball past the line of scrimmage. Losing John Abraham on the D line is a dagger. I know Mangini is a disciple of Belicheck, but even Bill himself would have a hard time with this crew.

Buffalo Bills (2-14)
Willis McTerrenceisgayhee is a good back, just not as good as he thinks he is. And anytime you have a QB controversy between JP Losman and Kelly's Not Holcomb, you're gonna be in for a long season. Combine that with the ineffectual Dick Jauron at the helm and the citizens of Buffalo are going to want to plung themselves into the icy waters of Lake Erie come late October.

AFC North

Pittsburgh Steelers (12-4)
This is probably an overly optimistic prediction. Based on what I saw in the preseason, I wouldn't be at all surprised if the Bengals make a serious run at another division title, assuming Carson Palmer is back to his pre-injury form. Anyway, the Steelers lost some key pieces from the Super Bowl run, and this is probably Cowher's last year. So I could still see them making the playoffs and sending him off in style. But I still question whether or not Big Ben will return to form following his harrowing offseason. This season could potentially be a huge letdown.

Cincinatti Bengals (10-6)
As I just stated, I wouldn't be surprised to see the Bengals run away with the division crown. But Carson Palmer's still got to prove he can tough it out throughout the regular season. That's pretty much what I based this division on, whether or not Carson can be the same player he was before Kimo Von Oelhoffen rolled up on his knee. So I see them struggling early and then trying to fight back into the playoff picture, ultimately falling short in the long run. Either that or running away with the division, its a gray area.

Baltimore Ravens (7-9)
I have to laugh at people who seem to think Steve McNair is going to somehow make this team a playoff contender. This is a guy who almost retired a year ago, and has been so beat up over the years he's basically being held together with duct tape. That still makes him a step up over Kyle Boller. And they've got a formidable backfield with Jamal "Jailbird" Lewis and Mike Andersen. But they still lack depth at receiver and the D is miles away from the team that won the Super Bowl years ago. Basically another mediocre season.

Cleveland Browns (6-10)
They should be somewhat improved with Kellen Winslow and Braylon Edwards finally seeing some playing time, but Charlie Frye isn't exactly striking fear into the hearts of opposing defenses. Their running backs are serviceable at best, and their D is fairly mediocre. I could see them playing spoiler to a couple of playoff teams and getting a few upset wins here and there, but I don't expect to see much out of them.

AFC South

Indianapolis Colts (14-2)
I don't think they're going to miss Edgerrin James at all. The way they run their offense, whoever they decide to stick in there will do fine. I think its pretty much a given that they're going to win the division, although the Jags should put up a decent fight. Everyone and their mother knows the real question when it comes to the Colts is when they're finally going to win the big one. I think they had a real chance last year until the unfortunate death of James Dungy. It pretty much threw everyone off their game, and they wound up blowing it in the playoffs as usual. On a side note, some might have wondered why the Colts did not benefit from the death of young Dungy, ala the Berletic Factor. Well, the sad truth is that since James Dungy committed suicide, it completely negates the Berletic Factor. Otherwise you would have desperate sports fans offing themselves left and right to try and help their team win. And that's just sick.

Jacksonville Jaguars (12-4)
Jackass Del Rio has built himself quite a team down south. In any other division they would contend for the title. But they lack the offensive firepower of Indy, and that's going to screw them in the end. Leftwich is a solid QB, but losing Jimmy Smith at receiver left them with a bunch of unproven guys for him to throw to. Throw in the always shaky Fred Taylor running the ball, and its enough to keep them from overtaking the Colts. But the defense is one to be wreckoned with. The truth is they are better than most of the other teams in the AFC. They're just not good enough.

Tennessee Titans (4-12)
Vince Young and LenDale White are going to be a formidable backfield for years to come. Unfortunately for Titans fans, this is not one of those years. Everyone is talking about how well Billy Volek has done in relief of Steve McNair, but is he really someone you want leading your team into battle week in and week out? Aside from signing Kevin Mawae, I wasn't really impressed with any of their offseason moves, and even that wasn't that impressive, he's getting up there in years. But this is a rebuilding year for this squad, so fans shouldn't get their hopes up. They should enjoy the glimpse of the future they should be getting around midseason.

Houston Texans (3-13)
Mario Williams over Reggie Bush???? Are you kidding me????? Now that Domanick Davis is done, I bet they're rethinking that decision. In my opinion Williams has bust written all over him. They shored up the offensive line a bit with the signing of Mike Flanagan, and made some improvements on D, but not enough to get them out of last place. They'd need Reggie Bush for that.

AFC West

Denver Broncos (13-3)
It pains me to make this pick, but the fact of the matter is that not much has changed from a team that went to the AFC Championship game last season. Sure they lost Mike Anderson, but its been said ad nauseum: you could plug anyone at running back for them and they would rush for over 1000 yards. As long as Jake Plummer's Cheesy Mustache manages to avoid self destructing during the regular season, they will pick up another division title on the way to another playoff meltdown.

Kansas City Chiefs (12-4)
I know Dick Vermeil, I've watched Dick Vermeil, and Herm Edwards, you are no Dick Vermeil. Seriously, if Vermeil couldn't get this team to the playoffs, how successful do you think Herm's going to be? Well, successful enough to get them into the first round at least. He managed to take Jets teams with half the talent that this team has to the playoffs. All he has to do is get the ball to LJ, and move out of the way. But we all know Herm. He's going to do that for a while, but he's also going to cost you a couple of games down the line with poor decision making. But I think this team has enough talent to overcome that. They've gotta make the playoffs at some point, Trent Green and the receivers aren't getting any younger.

San Diego Super Chargers (7-9)
I'm no fan of Philip Rivers, and after this season, I doubt the people of San Diego will be either. I understand not wanting to take the risk with Brees, but in my opinion he was a much better option than Rivers. I watched the guy all throughout his college career, he's nothing special. As long as he can get the ball to Tomlinson, they'll win a few games, but I'm sure he'll cost them a few as well. The defense is hurting too with the loss of Steve Foley. I definitely see them taking a step back. Then again I picked them to be the worst team in the league two years ago, and they wound up winning the division, so what the hell do i know?

Oakland Raiders (4-12)
Aaron Brooks to Randy Moss. More like Aaron Brooks to the opposing team's secondary. I can't wait till midseason when Art Shell starts openly questioning why the hell he gave up a cushy job with the league to come back and coach this bunch of misfits and underachievers. I'm sure the highlight of Lamont Jordan's season will be when he comes back to Maryland for homecoming to sign Good Call/Bad Call signs.

NFC East

Dallas Cowboys (12-4)
Again, these picks were made during preseason, under the assumption that T.O. would actually play so that he and Bledsoe could get some semblence of a rhythm together. So they might not wind up with this good of a record. Still, they do have a very impressive defense, starting with the front seven. And their running backs are nothing to sneeze at. As long as Bledsoe can stay on his feet, they've got a chance to go deep in the playoffs.

Washington Redskins (10-6)
Not to sound like a broken record, but this was my prediction before Portis got hurt. Now I don't know what to think of them, although they looked abysmal in the preseason. And this is a pretty touch division, or so I've heard.

New York Giants (8-8)
I was really expecting them to drop off from their performance last year, but now they look to benefit from the injury to Portis and sneak back into the playoffs. They're really not as good as everyone seems to think. Sure they went 10-6 last year, but they had 9 home games. Eli still hasn't shown he can win on the road, and even with Lavar Arrington, I don't think the defense is all that good. Tiki's getting up there in years, and the O-line is nothing special either. I think they are mediocre at best.

Philadelphia Eagles (6-10)
I'm as big a fan of Donovan F. McNabb as the next guy who hates Philadelphia, but with Westbrook hurt and a lackluster receiving corps, there's only so much he can do. This team is not much different from the one that stunk up the field last season, and in a tough division, I don't think they stand much of a chance. But there is that whole Portis injury again. Still, even with that, I don't see them doing much better than 8-8, 9-7 tops.

NFC North

Chicago Bears (10-6)
There's not much difference between this team and the team that won the division last year. They added Brian Griese, which may or may not be considered a step up from the Rex Grossman/Kyle Orton tandem. Fortunately for them, the rest of the division really didn't do much to improve. They've still got a great defense, and that should take them to the division title, but being the champ of the worst division in football is like being the hottest chick in Fitzy's. Once you step out into the real world and face some real competition, its not even gonna be close.

Green Bay Packers (6-10)
I don't know if they'll really be able to get six wins, but I do know that they have Brett Favre. Brett Favre. Brett Favre. The defense sucks despite adding AJ Hawk, and the receivers and running backs are nothing special. I don't know much about Mike McCarthy, but he can't be much worse of a coach than Mike Sherman. I can't imagine why Favre would come back, unless he really enjoys playing that much. I bet he'll be regretting the move when they replace him with Aaron Rodgers halfway through the season.

Minnesota Vikings (5-11)
The other day I heard someone mention the Vikings as a potential playoff team. Please. Just because Brad Johnson has won a Super Bowl does not make him anything better than an average QB. None of their receivers have ever shown anything aside from potential, and their running backs ain't so hot. I don't know if Brad Childress can make a delicious queso dip or not, but he's got a lot to prove as a head coach, and I don't think he is up to the task.

Detroit Lions (4-12)
I'd never heard of Rod Marinelli before he took the Lions head coaching job. I had no idea what the guy looked like, but with a name like Rod Marinelli, you would assume he'd have a mustache. When I went to NFL.com to see a picture of him, I was shocked to find no mustache. That doesn't bode well for the Lions. I know they have Mike Martz running the offense, but they need a better QB than Jon Kitna to make a run at a winning record. That's some team that Matt Millen has put together. What more does he have to do to get fired here?

NFC South

Carolina Panthers (13-3)
It was with some trepidation that I moved through the schedule and made Carolina's picks. They have the coaching and the talent to mow through the league this year. They are several prognosticators preseason pick to win it all. That can only spell disaster. So I don't feel as if I'm doing them any more of a disservice by picking them to finish with the best record in the NFC. In all likelyhood, Steve Smith will get hurt, Dan Morgan will get hurt, Jake Delhomme will get hurt, and they will wind up missing the playoffs all together. But based on talent and the way they've played in the preseason, I could see them going all the way this year. Lord knows I could use it.

Atlanta Vicks (8-8)
I see them getting off to a hot start and then floundering during the stretch when the schedule becomes more difficult. Sure, they've got plenty of talent, but Jim Mora does not impress me as a coach. Vick will get tired, or hurt, and start making mistakes. Then the season will fall apart, just like last year.

Tampa Bay Bucs (6-10)
I'm gonna be honest, they're probably gonna finish with a better record than this. But the D is getting old. And I don't know if Cadillac can match his form from the first couple of weeks of his rookie year. I do however think Chris Simms will go down in history as the greatest QB ever to be sacked by Pupino in a non-contact drill.

New Orleans Saints (4-12)
Another team that will probably finish with a better record. Reggie Bush alone should win them at least 2 games. But the season is basically riding on Drew Brees' shoulder. Obviously the Chargers were worried enough about it that they decided to go with the unproven Philip Rivers instead of resigning him. And the Dolphins passed on him as well. I trust the people running those two teams alot more than I trust the Saints personnel department. Well, the Dolphins anyway. Although the Saints were smart enough not to pass on Reggie Bush. Another knock against the Saints is the lackluster Sean Payton as a head coach. This is a guy who was run out of New York for his poor play calling, now he's going to be in charge of a whole team. That's a recipe for a disaster of epic proportions. Insert your own Hurricane Katrina joke here.

NFC West

Seattle Seahawks (13-3)
I was not at all impressed with the Seahawks last season, and I thought they basically lucked their way into the Super Bowl. Maybe I'm biased as a Panthers fan, but I felt like Seattle didn't really win the NFC Championship so much as Carolina didn't even show up to play. That being said, they did win enough games to get homefield throughout last season, and the team has pretty much stayed intact. They even added Julian Peterson to an already good defense. So I would not be at all surprised to see them run away with the divsion again this year.

St. Louis Rams (11-5)
Scott Linehan should be a good coach, and That Hayslett Guy should improve the D quite a bit. He's better as a coordinator anyway, he clearly has no motivational skills whatsoever as a head coach. They're no longer the Greatest Show on Turf, but Steven Jackson is a quality back who can win some games for them. I wouldn't be surprised to see them make a solid playoff run.

Arizona Cardinals (7-9)
I know people are talking about the Cards making a playoff run, and when you look at the receivers and the newly acquired Edgerrin James that's understandable. But they still have Kurt Warner at the helm behind an offensive line that couldn't stop a drunk girl going up to the bar to get another shot. Speaking of drunk girls, I would expect Leinart to see some action at some point during the season. And he might even play in some games too.

San Francisco 49ers (2-14)
They drafted Vernon Davis. Whoopee. They still suck. Trent Dilfer can't do anything without a decent supporting cast, and Alex Smith had bust written all over him when he came out of Utah. They lost their only Pro Bowler to the division champs, so their defense is only gonna be worse. In my opinion, they will be lucky to win two.

PLAYOFFS

Wild Card Round

AFC
3New England over 6Kansas City
5Jacksonville over 4Pittsburgh

Bill Belicheck outcoaches Herm with both eyes closed and one hand tied behind his back, and the Steelers title defense ends at the hands of Jackass Del Rio.

NFC
3Dallas over 6Washington
4Chicago over 5St. Louis

The Cowboys show the Skins who the true class of the NFC East is, while the Rams fall victim to the elements in Chicago.

Divisional Round

AFC
1Indianapolis over 5Jacksonville
2Denver over 3New England

The Colts manage to squeak by their division rivals and the Broncos hold off the Patriots to set up a 1-2 battle in the AFC Championship Game

NFC
1Carolina over 4Chicago
3Dallas over 2Seattle

The Panthers destroy the Bears, much like they did last season in the playoffs, and Dallas upsets Seattle to set up a Bah Bowl rematch in the NFC title game.

Championship Weekend
1Indianapolis over 2Denver
1Carolina over 3Dallas

The Colts finally get to the big game, and Carolina maintains their undefeated record in postseason Bah Bowls.

Super Bowl XLI
Carolina Panthers over Indianapolis Colts

I can't possibly jinx them any more than they've already been jinxed, so why not have a little fun with it? See you all in Miami.

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If you think you can do better, feel free to join the Pigskin Pick'Em game at espn.go.com. The group name is SARS rules, and the password is korea. Good night and good luck.

Short Takes

2006-08-29T00:14:00.001-04:00

I'm working on some stuff for the site right now, but none of its really close to being finished, so I figured I'd throw up some Short Takes in the meantime before I post the NFL Preview.

The first thing I'd like to talk about is the sneak preview of "Beerfest" Rick and I went to in the city. Based on previous experiences, I figured it would be ripe for a running diary, but surprisingly, nothing went wrong. Despite having blurred vision from an appointment with the eye doctor earlier in the day, I managed to make it into the city without getting lost once. As for the movie itself, it was funnier than I expected, but the only thing worth taking note of was the free pretzels and O'Douls they were giving out before you went into the theater. I would just like to mention that while I was waiting for Rick, I stopped at Barnes & Nobles to kill some time, and wandered into the Astrology section. They had a selection of books that went over your entire horoscope for every day of next year, and the last six months of this year (18 months). I flipped through to see what it said, and the entry for July 22nd said, "Mars' transition to Virgo may cause tensions with your partner." You think?

The next two are leftover conversations I'd had with customers from the liquor store. The first was a MILF who looked like a huskier version of Nicolette Sheridan that used to come in every so often. She asked me about a certain gimmicky bottle of wine we carried, and things just went from there.

MILF: "Hmm, $9.99. Its the same price at the liquor store near my house."
Ostrowe: "Oh, where do you live?"
MILF: "Nyack. But that's ok, I come here to see you anyway."
Ostrowe: (somewhat surprised) "Oh, why thank you very much."
MILF: "Oh stop it, I'm old enough to be your mother. But I have a daughter."
Ostrowe: "I don't know about that. How old is your daughter?"
MILF: "Twenty five."
Ostrowe: "Holy shit! You are old enough to be my mother!"

Damn, I'm smooth. The next exchange took place around the holidays. This hot chick came in with an older dude and started giving me the eye from the minute she spotted me. When I called out "NEXT!", she practically shoved people out of the way to get to my register. She placed the two bottles of wine on the counter and puffed out her ample chest. Since I'm too much of a gentleman to just tell her "Nice tits," I complemented her on the shirt that was stretched tightly over them. It said something along the lines of "Treat Me Like The Princess I Am." The old man she was with (her father I assume) was none too pleased.

Ostrowe: "Nice shirt."
Tits McGee: (smiling coquettishly) "Thank you."
Crotchety Old Guy: "I'm gonna burn that fucking shirt when we get home."
Ostrowe: (laughing at what I thought was a joke)
Crotchety Old Guy: "Yeah, keep smiling!"
Ostrowe: (still smiling) "Okay."
Crotchety Old Guy: (getting increasingly agitated) "You got a sister?"
Ostrowe: (still smiling) "As a matter of fact I do."
Crotchety Old Guy: (getting more agitated) "Yeah, well I bet I'd like to date her!"
Ostrowe: (still smiling) "I'm sure you would."
Crotchety Old Guy: (storms out of store)
Tits McGee: (look of abject terror) ". . . . ."
Ostrowe: (still smiling) "Happy holidays!"

I hope I never have a daughter.

Ostrowe Does Jury Duty

2006-08-19T22:01:00.001-04:00

On July 8th 2005, I got called for jury duty. Since I was still working at the liquor store at the time, this proved to be a tremendous pain in the ass, as it meant I would lose a day's pay. Plus, I had to be there at 930, a half hour earlier than I would have had to be at work. So the night before I decided that I wouldn't bother showering, and would wear my "I Support Single Moms" shirt, in hopes of being thrown out.

When I arrived at the courthouse, there were no spots in the parking lot. Now, God only knows why they would call more people for jury duty than there are spots in the parking lot, but I guess that's why I'm not working for the county. So I had to park 2 blocks away and walk there. Not that big a deal.

When I got upstairs to the courtroom where the trial would be going on, I ran into a regular customer from the liquor store. A friendly lady who has a daughter around my age. She's also a bit of a ballbuster, and started immediately cracking jokes about me sneaking alcohol into the courtroom. I wish I was that clever/ballsy. As I walked up to get the sheet you have to fill out to get paid, I saw a notice on the door that said shorts and beverages were prohibited. As I was wearing shorts and carrying 2 bottles of water, that was already 2 strikes against me. I hoped it meant I would be out of there quickly.

After filling out the sheets, we were told to sit in the courtroom, in the seats normally reserved for spectators. Both the prosecuting attorneys and the defendant were already seated in their corresponding seats in front of the spectator/participant barrier. I immediately recognized the two DAs, one as a customer from the liquor store, and the other as a girl I had graduated high school with. The one I went to high school with was rather large and had a face resembling Rocky Dennis. That sounds bad, but . . . well it was only a slight resemblence. Anyway, she had packed on quite a few lbs since high school, and she wasn't exactly a poster child for a healthy diet in the first place. The other DA was cute, but with a serious case of 80s hair. Her bangs were out of control, and she looked out of place in a dress-suit type thing; I kept picturing her in ripped jeans and a Bon Jovi t-shirt.

Judge Alfieri would be presiding over the trial. All I know about him was that when a friend of mine got caught drinking when we were in high school he tried the case and was allegedly a total dick. When he made everyone stand up to swear in, the Shaggy DA glanced back, saw my shirt and chuckled. She kept stealing glances at me all throughout the proceedings, and I kept meeting them with a smirk.

They took attendance and informed us that if you had vacation plans you should call a sidebar; at least 5 people called sidebars and were dismissed before attendance was thru. One guy got there late and missed attendance, he was the only other guy with a t-shirt on, everyone else was dressed nice. His shirt was nowhere near as cool as mine though.

After attendance, they told us the pertinent details of the trial. A woman had been stopped for wreckless driving on the thruway, and the cops (allegedly) found pot in her car. She was on trial for possession and driving under the influence. In a move that certainly didn't do anything to disprove she was a fan of Cheech and Chong, she decided to defend herself.

Following the rundown they called out 18 people to sit in the jury box, and they would then answer a questionaire out loud in front of everyone to determine whether or not they should remain. From those 18 they would pick 8 people to sit on the jury. They called out names seemingly at random to fill out the first 18. At least, I thought it was random until I noticed they had everyones name in one of those hoppers they use to determine numbers for the Royal Rumble. Unfortunately, I didn't make the first 18. My friend from the liquor store did though, as did 17 other people. After they were given a brief amount of time to go over the questionaire, they had to start answering.

The first lady was uneventful but after her a few stood out. She was followed up by an old Greek guy who, despite living in this country for thirtysomething years, still had only a moderate command of the English language. The next to go was a 30 year old Italian chick. She didn't look 30, but she sure as hell looked Italian. Olive colored skin, dark hair, and a little on the chunky side. Your stereotypical Italian american princess. Anyway, her interview goes fairly normally until she gets to the part where they ask if a member of your immediate family was a victim of a violent crime. She said yes, to which the judge asked which member. She replied her father, and when the judge asked what crime, she said "murder." Clearly Judge Alfieri was not expecting that, as he stammerd while asking her his next question, "Uh, how, how, old were you when this happened?"

"Seven."

The judge then asked her if it had left her with any sort of lingering feelings about law enforcement that would hinder her ability to try the case fairly, and she said no. But she was dismissed anyway when she said she was close friends with one of the police officers who would be testifying. I should note that it was only after she was dismissed that Judge Alfieri said a sidebar could be called if you didn't want to discuss your reasons for dismissal in front of everyone. Not exactly great timing on his part.

The IAP was replaced by another young looking hot chick, but before she got to go they interviewed someone else. I think it was the old Egyptian lady, but as its now over a year removed from these proceedings, I am having a hard time remembering. I'm not gonna go thru all of the people they interviewed anyway, that would take forever. I'm just highlighting the interesting ones. Or the ones I found interesting enough to listen to. I was sitting there for 3 hours listening to people tell their life stories, I had to entertain myself somehow.

So, they get back to the second young looking hot chick, and it turns out she is also not that young, and is a health teacher. She tried to get out of things by saying she was fervently against smokin the ganj', as that was what she taught her students, but like most she eventually caved when asked if she could put her personal feelings aside, saying she could. After her was some toolish looking guy in his mid to late 20s who had gotten busted smoking by campus cops in college. He said that didn't garner him any ill will towards the police, even though he felt the case was not handled fairly. But he got dismissed because his cousin was being tried currently in a case very similar to this one, and he felt that would prevent him from being impartial. He was replaced by a decent looking chick my age who worked at Dave and Busters. At the time I thought she was shy because she was speaking so low that no one could hear what she was saying and she had to repeat herself several times, but subsequent dealings with her have led me to believe that she's just an idiot. As she kept answering the questions off the questionaire and the judge and DA kept asking her to repeat herself, I kept trying not to laugh.

After Dave and Busters Girl was another chick my age. She stopped the judge at the part where they asked if someone in her immediate family had been accused or convicted of a crime. It turns out her brother had been convicted of an armed bank robbery that took place in Rockland a few years back. When the judge asked if she could put her feelings on that matter aside, she responded, "Well . . . he's my brother." She was looking to get out of it, and the judge could tell. He was all set to dismiss her regardless, but then she mentioned that she didn't even currently live in Rockland County. She was then immediately excused as a result of this, as the judge said she shouldn't have even been there in the first place. Sucks for her that she had to sit through the whole thing before finding that out.

She was replaced by an older Haitian guy, with grandkids close to my age. After him was the lady I knew from the liquor store. Before she even got to the questionaire, the judge made a point to state that he had known her for years and they were good friends. He asked her if this would in any way impact her ability to judge the case fairly, and she said no, but then immediately called for a sidebar regarding the question where they ask about someone in your family being a victim of a violent crime. They were gone briefly before she came back out, apparently crying, and walked right out of the courtroom. I have seen her since then, but I thought better than to ask her why.

I don't remember who replaced her but I think it was the guy with the t-shirt on. I forget what he did, but I think he was an electrician or something. I remember what his wife did though, as the occupations of your spouses and children were part of the questionairre. He said she worked as a bartender at Legends. At some point during one of the recesses, one of the other prospective jurors asked him if we could all get a round on the house if we went over there. Sadly the answer wasn't yes, otherwise this post would be a lot more entertaining.

I don't remember who came directly after him, but the last juror to stick out in my mind was this crusty 80 year old guy, who was clearly in no mood for this bullshit. When asked if he had ever been convicted of a crime, he replied that the only time he'd ever had any trouble with the law was when, as a young man, he had gotten stopped for going 40 in a 35 on the Henry Hudson Parkway, and then proceeded to regale everyone with a story of what a dick the cop was for giving him a ticket. Fifty years later and he was still pissed off about it. But he said he wouldn't let that cloud his judgement on this case.

After everyone went thru the questionairre, Judge Alfieri asked a few blanket questions. One of them was whether or not everyone thought marijuana should be illegal. T-shirt guy raised his hand and said he thought it shouldn't, but after the judge pestered him about it, he pussed out and said it wouldn't impinge his ability to judge the facts of the case.

The judge, defense and prosecution were all satisfied with these 18 as the pool to pick from, but just to make sure, the lawyers got to ask questions of the jurors. The Shaggy DA asked the questions for the prosecution in what was a truly bizarre scene. She rambled on for a while, appearing to tell some sort of story, but then she would randomly ask questions of the jurors. I don't know if I can accurately describe it, but it was along the lines of "We're all familiar with the laws of this country, and that marijuana is an illegal substance. But what is important is that this doesn't affect your ability to judge the facts of the case. Don't you agree, Ms. Dave and Busters Girl?" It was like she was playing a verbal game of Duck Duck Goose. The feeling amongst those of us in the spectator seats was one of, "What the hell is going on here?"

After she finished with her queries, it was the defense's turn. Since the lady was representing herself, she got to question the jury. She didn't have any questions for any specific jurors, merely asking two blanket questions of the 18 prospects: "Do any of you have any problems with interracial marriages?" and "Do any of you believe it is impossible for the police to lie?", both of which were answered with resounding no's. I had thought up until this point she looked like a normal fiftysomething woman, but based on her questions I now felt that she was a few snakes shy of a planeful.

After she was done, the judge called for a short recess so that the two sides could choose 8 from the prospective 18, 6 jurors and 2 alternates. The judge explained that no one would know which two were the alternates until the trial went to the jury room, in order to make sure everyone paid full attention to the trial. It lent a quasi-Hitchcockian vibe to the proceedings that I kinda dug, but I would have been pissed if I wound up as an alternate, having to sit thru the whole trial and then not getting a say.

I decided I would use the recess to put my shit in my car. I stepped out the door of the courtroom into a torrential downpour. Perfect. Since I was already wet, I figured what the fuck and just walked the 2 blocks to my car in the pouring rain. Of course by the time I got there my reading materials and my notebook were water stained, rendering the whole thing a wash (no pun intended).

When I returned to the steps of the courthouse, wetter than an NBA groupie in a condomless hotel room, I was met by Dave and Busters Girl and a chick who looked to be in her 40s or 50s, both smoking under the cover of umbrellas. The older chick made a comment about the rain in jest, and Dave and Busters Girl looked at my t-shirt and laughed. I went inside to the first floor bathroom and attempted to dry off. Fairly unsuccessful, I made my way back upstairs to see who got picked for the final 8.

As its now over a year later, I can't for the life of me remember who got picked aside from the first lady they questioned. I do remember that Dave and Busters Girl and the Hot Health Teacher didn't. Once they had their jury, they let the rest of us go and moved right into the trial. Judge Alfieri doesn't mess around.

Of course, now that we had been dismissed, the rain had ceased and the sun was starting to come out. As I was walking back to my car, Dave and Busters Girl was walking the same direction on the opposite side of the street. A perfect opportunity to make small talk, which I predictably did not seize. But as I stated before, subsequent interaction has shown that was probably the right move.

As the weeks passed, I ran into several familiar faces from my tour of (jury) duty at the liquor store. One of them happened to be a clerk at the courtroom, who had seen me sitting in the spectator seats. She asked me what I'd thought of it and I gave her my honest opinion. Then I asked her if that was the Shaggy DA's first trial, because it sure seemed like she had no idea what she was doing. She responded, "No, that's just how she is." She later informed me that the defendant had been found not guilty, as there was not enough evidence to convict her. Given the quality of the prosecution, I can't say I'm surprised.