Wrestlemania 27 Running Diary

So, after last year's ill-fated attempt to follow along online on a pirated site, I actually bit the bullet this year and ordered the grandaddy of them all on pay-per-view. Did the fact that I've been bedridden for the past week with the flu have anything to do with this? Yes. Yes it did. But at least I'm getting a running diary out of it.

650pm - The grandaddy is officially ordered! There's $55 I'm never getting back.

653 - The Undertaker's opponent this year, and the latest to attempt to break his Wrestlemania undefeated streak is none other than The Game, Triple H. Which of course means that everyone has to pretend that one of the previous victims of the Undertaker's streak is none other than The Game, Triple H.

655 - Preshow guy: "Two of the greats are finally going to meet at Wrestlemania!" . . . just like they did ten years ago, at Wrestlemania 17.

700 - Keri Hilson sings America the Beautiful to open up the show, or as Rick put it, "Pretty America Rock." She is a classic two face, but she's looking good tonight.

703 - After Hilson we get a Tonight show-esque intro - "Live, from Atlanta, its Wrestlemania 27, with your host, The Rock!" I'm digging it.

706 - The Rock comes out wearing a track suit from the Tony Soprano collection. At least I'm getting my money's worth out front.

709 - There's a small "Cena sucks" chant breaking out, as he's been feuding with the Rock leading into the show, followed by Rock saying, "When The Rock says 'wrestle', you say 'mania'". I say "ghey".

711 - The Rock is legitimately pumped to be back; he just referred to his water bottle as "the People's water"

715 - Wait, now we're getting the highlight package from years past to signify the start of the show? What the hell was the past 15 minutes?

717 - Play by play man Michael Cole: "This is the fabric of Americana." And hyperbole, apparently.

718 - Holy shit, the World Championship match is opening the show? Guess that goes to show the Smackdown guys how highly they're thought of.

719 - The challenger, Alberto Del Rio, is this year's Royal Rumble winner. He's also a full on rapist. Philanthropist, sorry.

722 - Don't be alarmed, but there is a giant glowing Edge cube floating over the middle of the ring. I'm 90% sure its not a fever hallucination.

726 - I don't really have anything to say about this match, other than it wouldn't surprise me to see Christian turn on Edge here.

727 - Del Rio's bodyguard has his name on the front of his shit. I'm guessing there's not a huge demand on that item at the merchandise stands.

731 - A Del Rio chant breaks out. Apparently there's a huge Mexican population in Atlanta that I was unaware of.

735 - Edge wins! That was actually a great match. I suppose that's why they had it open the show.

738 - Edge and Christian destroy Del Rio's Rolls Royce with a crowbar and lead pipe after the match. What poor sports.

743 - Cody Rhodes, son of Dusty, vs. Rey Mysterio Jr., son of Rey Mysterio Sr. is the next matchup.

744 - Rey comes out dressed as Captain America, but with elements of his Mexican heritage incorporated. Does that make him Captain New Mexico?

745 - Rey starts off with the cheapshot before the bell. Crafty Mexicans.

747 - Cody Rhodes is working the "protective body part cover secretly used as a weapon" angle to perfection with his protective face mask.

750 - An impressive superplex from Rhodes gets a nice "Cody" chant from the crowd. I guess Atlanta is trying to take the "cheering for the bad guy" title away from MSG tonight.

756 - I rarely watch wrestling, yet every one of Mysterio's matches I've seen over the past 10 years have been exactly the same. This is putting me to sleep.

757 - Cody Rhodes wins. Whatever.

759 - The Michael Cole vs. Jerry Lawler commentator feud is annoying as hell to listen to. It gets broken up by an AWFUL sketch involving Snoop and Teddy Long, the only saving grace of which was some rando singing "Friday" followed by Roddy Piper coming in out of nowhere and smashing him over the head with a coconut.

803 - The sketch finally ends with Hornswoggle rapping. That was just awful. It leads into an 8 man tag match with the Corre (bad guys) vs. Kane, Big Show, Santino and Kofi Kingston.

805 - Santino barely comes up to Kane and Big Show's chests.

806 - Cole calls Corre member Heath Slater "the one man rock band" on commentary. Ok.

807 - The match degenerates into a brawl, and ends less than a minute later. That match got less time than that awful Snoop sketch.

810 - We cut to the Rock backstage hitting on some random chick who is apparently Divas champion, which segways into a Mae Young bit. Apparently tonight's Wrestlemania was written by Bruce Vilanch.

812 - A Stone Cold appearance isn't even enough to save that sketch.

815 - The next match still hasn't started. Good thing they only gave the 8 man tag match 90 seconds so we could make sure all this filler gets in.

817 - If I followed wrestling regularly, either CM Punk or Randy Orton would probably be my favorite guy. They are wrestling each other here.

819 - The 3D hover cube is back, and its really freaking me out.

824 - I don't know how Punk wrestles with a lip ring in. I almost lost a finger delivering mail with a regular ring on.

827 - Punk goes old school with the Bret Hart Figure 4 around the ringpost, working on Orton's injured leg.

834 - Punk blocks Orton's finisher, the RKO, then jumps off the top rope into one for the loss. I know it seems like I didn't write much about that match, and that would be because it was incredibly slow and boring.

837 - Now we get a Pee Wee Herman sketch. Are you fucking kidding me?

840 - That's followed by the introduction of this year's Hall of Fame class. Abdullah the Butcher can't walk without a cane, Sunny looks damn good for a coke whore 15 years past her prime, Hacksaw Jim Duggan's 2x4 has a bowtie on, and HBK gets a separate introduction from everyone else.

846 - Booker T and Good Ol' JR come out to call the Cole vs. Lawler match. I think there's only 4 matches left. 5 assuming they still have the US title match between Sheamus and Daniel Bryan, which probably should've opened the show.

847 - Cole is wearing an orange wrestling outfit, headgear included, and talks himself to the ring in lieu of entrance music.

851 - Stone Cold rides out on an ATV to referee the match, almost running over Cole's manager Jack Swagger in the process.

853 - Michael Cole has more tattoos than I do. That is a situation that needs to be remedied.

859 - Swagger interferes on Cole's behalf.
Booker T:"I thought this was gonna be a one on one match!"
Josh Matthews:"You did?"

903 - I can't believe this match has gone on ten times longer than the 8 man tag match.

905 - There is a guy in the front row wearing an old school Pete Maravich Hawks jersey. I am jealous.

906 - Stunner! to Jack Swagger. Booker T:"That's my dawg!!"

909 - Swagger cradles Cole in his arms like a newborn as he carries him to the back.

910 - Booker T gets in the ring to celebrate Lawler's victory with a Spineroonie and eats a Stunner! as a result.

913 - An email from the anonymous Raw General Manager disqualifies Lawler due to Stone Cold's interference and gives Cole the win. Reading said email earns Josh Matthews a Stunner! for his troubles and leaves us with JR and Lawler announcing the rest of the show.

918 - Undertaker vs. Triple H is next. I wonder if the US title match got bounced off the show.

921 - The Undertaker debuted in the WWF 20.5 years ago. I can still remember watching the scrambled PPV when it happened. My 8 year old self would be very impressed with the fact that I can now afford to actually pay to watch the PPVs unscrambled.

922 - "For Whom the Bell Tolls" starts playing. Fucking awesome.

924 - Triple H with the entrance of the night so far. Guys in shields and viking outfits formed a phalanx at the top of the stage, parting to show him dressed as Hunter the Barbarian, as Metallica segwayed into his regular entrance music.

926 - 4 minutes for Triple H's entrance. The combined entrances might be longer than the actual match here.

927 - Undertaker's entrance starts, as he sllllllllooooooooowwwwwwwwlllllllllyyyyy makes his way down to the ring to Johnny Cash's "Ain't No Grave Can Hold My Body Down." Excellent choice.

931 - 4 minutes for Taker's entrance. The match still hasn't started yet though.

932 - And the match finally gets under way.

933 - Undertaker dismantles the Spanish announce table, but Triple H comes to and spears him through Michael Cole's protective cubicle, which Undertaker no sells.

936 - Undertaker backdrops Triple H off the announce table to the floor. Doesn't sound that bad till you realize Taker is a legit 6'10, and the announce table is at least 4 feet off the floor. Ouch.

938 - Undertaker with the suicide dive over the top rope. I'm amazed the guy can even still walk, let alone pull that off.

940 - Undertaker goes running at Triple H who turns that into a spinebuster through the Spanish announce table. Vaya con dios!

946 - The crowd breaks out into dueling "Un-der-tak-er!" and "Triple H!" chants

951 - The past ten minutes of this match have basically been finisher-kickout-rest-finisher-kickout-rest.

953 - JR just nominated the steel chair in this match for the Hall of Fame.

958 - Triple H hits the tombstone on the Undertaker after 3 pedigrees and 10 chairshots and the Undertaker still kicks out.

959 - Triple H grabs the sledgehammer from under the ring.

1001 - Undertaker counters the sledgehammer into the "Hell's Gate"(?) chokehold and Triple H taps out after 2 solid minutes.

1006 - They still haven't left the ring. We have less than an hour of pay per view left for 3 matches.

1009 - The Undertaker gets a stretcher to take him back to the locker room.

1011 - The 6 person tag match is next, with John Morrison, Trish Stratus, and Snooki vs. Dolph Ziggler and LayCool. I'm betting the US title match doesn't happen.

1015 - I like how they announce Snooki as being from "Jersey Shore". Not "the Jersey Shore", just "Jersey Shore". She's from Poughkeepsie, btw. JR just complimented her on her low center of gravity.

1017 - Lawler:"When you're as pretty as Michelle is you don't like to be dropped on your face"
JR:"When you're as ugly as I am you don't like to be dropped on your face either"

1018 - Morrison with a holy shit corkscrew moonsault off the top rope to the floor. The Prince of Parkour lives up to his name.

1019 - Speaking of holy shit, after wrestling the whole match, Trish Stratus tagged in Snooki, who did a cartwheel into a backspring and pinned . . . one of the hot chicks. I haven't seen a fat person with moves like that since Chris Farley died.

1024 - Looks like the US title match got bumped to the preshow as the crew is setting up for the Miz vs. John Cena main event. Dagger.

1025 - The Miz gets an intro video set to "Hate Me Now" by Nas that is fittingly awesome. I really hope he wins this match.

1028 - Cena gets a gospel choir singing the opening to his intro, followed by DMX claiming "This is why we pray." I really hope Miz wins this match.

1035 - The match finally begins. I really hope Miz wins.

1038 - Pete Maravich switched to a Cavs jersey with #23 covered up in black tape for the main event. I guess he's a Miz fan.

1041 - Cena's arms are gigantic. He makes Miz look like a high school kid.

1045 - God, this match is boring.

1047 - Down goes the ref. Miz's protege Alex Riley hits Cena with a briefcase but still the ref only counts to 2 when he regains consciousness.

1050 - Cena and Miz fight out into the crowd and we get a double count out.

1053 - The Rock comes out and declares there must be a winner, so the match resumes under no DQ rules.

1055 - Rock with the Rockbottom to Cena and Miz wins!

1057 - The Rock hits the people's elbow on Miz to end the show in seriously rushed fashion.

Like I said, I rarely watch wrestling anymore, and this show won't do anything to change that. I get that Rock is one of the all time greats, but I really question ending the show with him standing tall over your champion and the number one draw when you have no idea if he's gonna stick around or not. Other than that, Undertaker/Triple H and Edge/Del Rio were probably the only high points of the show. Maybe I'm just getting too old for this stuff. I guess we'll find out next year.

iTunes report - 2 years and 1 computer later

Number of Songs: 4,509
Duration of Library: 12.1 Days
Most Recently Played Song: “Call Me" - Blondie
Most Played Song: "Black Sheep" - Metric
Most Recently Added Album: Endgame - Rise Against
First Song Alphabetically: “A-Punk" - Vampire Weekend
Last Song Alphabetically: “The Zoo" - Bruce Dickinson
Smallest Song Numerically: “#1" - Nelly
Largest Song Numerically: “10001110101" - Clutch

Shortest Song: "Bah, I'd Like to Speak to a Representative" - Jurgen (0:08)
Longest Song: “Crazy Game of Poker (live)" - O.A.R. (17:21)

First Album Alphabetically: Absolute Power - Tech9ne
Last Album Alphabetically: Zoolander Original Motion Picture Soundtrack
First Band Alphabetically: A-ha
Last Band Alphabetically: ZZ Top
Smallest Band Numerically: .38 Special
Largest Band Numerically: 10,000 Maniacs