Seven years later, we are much older, and in theory much wiser, yet our affinity for booze and shenanigans has not waned a bit. So when JMac declared his desire to have a karaoke party in the city for his birthday on Saturday February 13th, it was not something any gentleman wanted to pass up. First up was the matter of everyone getting into the city.
In an unplanned bit of fortuity, I had taken Friday and Saturday off to attend Sweetfiend's birthday party Friday night in Trenton. My plan was originally to drive into the city at some point on Saturday afternoon and park in a garage somewhere central to the evening's events. This changed once I realized the evening's events were scattered throughout the city, as the karaoke place was in the 40s, yet the evening would be starting at JMac's ladyfriend's in the 80s. I should point out that normally this would not be a problem, as Rick's apartment would have served as home base, however Rick is in Vancouver for the whole month working the Olympics. So I started looking around for alternate means of transportation.
As luck would have it Dmo was planning to attend a Maryland game watch at 1pm with Jim$ and Eddie O and their significant others. However since he wasn't planning to spend the night and I was, I needed to find another way to get home. Since I knew Joyce was heading in as well. I called him to see if he could drive me home Sunday.
This proved to be quite the exercise in uselessness, as Joyce was taking the train in Friday to meet up with his ladyfriend. After a twenty minute conversation in which I attempted to explain to him numerous times I had a ride in and did not need to take the train while all along he repeated, "Yeah, you should take the train in," I eventually decided I'd figure out how to get home when the time came. When I relayed the details of the conversation to Dmo, he figured it would make more sense for him to take the train, because that would mean he wouldn't have to stop boozing at any point to drive home. So we set up a tentative plan to take the 1019 from Pearl River to Penn Station, which would leave plenty of time to get to the game watch. Clearly, since plans and gentlemen go together like oil and sulfuric acid, this did not happen.
Sweetfiend's party was a great time, if more mellow than any gentlemanly gatherings. There were no chairshots, and no one went through any walls. Also, we only stayed up till 2 playing Rock Band, not 530. Still, this was late enough for me to not wake up in time to make the 1019, so I had to settle for the 1142 from Nanuet. This put me at Penn Station at 1230, leaving me plenty of time to walk the ten or so blocks to the bar where the game watch was taking place, The Hill on 30th and 3rd.
When I arrived at the bar, I was greeted by Dmo, who had a beverage waiting for me. I'm not sure how long everyone had been there at this point but the ladies were seated at a table right near the entrance that had at least two half full pitchers of beer on it. Trustey arrived shortly after the game started, with a girl that I described at the time as looking like she had been hit in the face with a frying pan. Looking back that description might have been too kind. Though in all fairness, she did have a great personality.
Shortly after Trustey showed up, in a moment of great prescience, I emailed the CoG: "This is going to get very ugly very quickly. I hope I can still stand up by the time karaoke comes around." Little did I know it was not me whose dexterity would be the problem.
The Maryland game started at 1, and as luck would have it Villanova was playing at 2. I texted Joyce to see where he was watching the game and it turned out he was only a few blocks away. I told him we would head over there after the MD game, as that was the plan at the time. However, things changed once Maryland finished getting their asses kicked.
The majority of the Maryland boosters filed out of the bar, yet Peg and Jenn were in no mood to leave. An already tipsy Ole Mel wanted to stick around and hang out with them, and since Dmo is a gentleman, he agreed to stay as well. I told Joyce to come meet us at the Hill, but since he is retarded he did not return my texts. Around this point Jim$ and Trustey disappeared to head over to McFadden's, and that's when things started to get really sloppy.
Peg decided to give the other two ladies lessons on how to chug. In theory, not such a bad idea, but in reality the numbers add up to a much different story. Peg is about 5'7 and can handle her booze. Neither Jenn or Ole Mel is more than 5'4 and they cannot. Within a matter of moments Jenn was stumbling around the bar and bumping into chairs. I was afraid she was going to hurt herself every time she went to sit down so at several points I literally had to pick her up and sit her in a chair. Peg finally realized that maybe she should not be drinking anymore and got her a pint of water, which Jenn proceeded to knock over while drunkenly flailing her arms around. Around then is when this conversation happened via GentleBBM:
Ostrowe: You know its a bad sign when Peg is the most sober female in the group
Dmo: No rumor
Jim$: Are u still there?
Do not let jenn drink anymore
Ostrowe: Yes
Peg has her chugging water
Dmo: Bah. Jenn loves the booze
Jim$: Dmo watch out for her
Ostrowe: Dmo is the one trying to get her to drink more beer
He's the Jim Nantz of instigators
Dmo: Lies
Jim$: I would be joyce for Jim Nantz
Ostrowe: Jim$ where are you
Jim$: I will be back shortly
looking at a bar
Ostrowe: Once again Joyce proves how goddamned useless he is by not answering his fucking phone
Rick: New years resolution
Ostrowe: I can't hurt him if i can't find him
Sometime in the middle of the above conversation, Ole Mel reached Parsippany stage, and randomly started bawling. Dmo was thrilled about this because it meant he got to take her home and didn't have to stick around for karaoke. Peg and Eddie O also decided to leave at this point but I convinced them to watch Jenn long enough for me to call Jim$ and have the following conversation:
Ostrowe: "Where the hell are you, everyone else is leaving"
Jim$: "I'm at McFadden's on 42nd and 2nd. You can either bring Jenn here and I will buy you drinks, or you can stay there and I will buy you drinks but it will take me about 20 minutes to get there."
Ostrowe: "She can't even stand up right now there's no way I'm going to be able to get her to walk 12 blocks."
Jim$: "I will be there in 20 minutes"
I went back in to tell this to Eddie O and Peg, which cause Eddie O to respond, "Jim$ 20 minutes could be about two hours." So I sent a status update to the gentlemen of GentleBBM:
"I'm slightly buzzed at the most. Dmo is on his way home with Ole Mel. Jenn can barely stand up. And Peg just fell over backwards in a chair. I have no idea how to get to beyonce's from here and Joyce is on his way to Asia. aka Kiwi's. So overall I would say its about what you would expect." (Ed. note - Beyonce is JMac's ladyfriend)
Peg and Eddie O thankfully stuck around until Jim$ returned with Trustey while we figured out what to do. At this point it was around 530, still a full 4.5 hours before JMac's party. I did not want to continue boozing, yet Jim$, Jenn and Trustey showed no signs of wanting to stop, and the drunker they got the more intent they were on making it to karaoke. Since I couldn't get a hold of Joyce and there was no way I was bringing a drunken entourage to Beyonce's apartment, when someone suggested going to Brother Jimmy's BBQ for dinner a few blocks away I jumped at the suggestion.
The walk over to Bro J's was interesting in and of itself, consisting of Jenn attempting to call all of her relatives while at the same time asking me if I've ever met her hot friend Heather, and also Trustey attempting to smash my head in with a block of ice he found on the sidewalk. It was to my dismay when we got to Brother Jimmy's that Jim$ completely bypassed the line for tables and walked up to the bar to order a fishbowl full of God knows what. That was the last thing this group needed. All I wanted to do was sit down and eat. Until I saw an extremely tall, very attractive chick wearing viking boots standing by the stairs. Trustey managed to facilitate a conversation with her, which was quickly ruined when Jim$ came over and dragged me to an empty table that was not ours. Eventually we managed to get a table for four, with a waitress and everything, even though Jenn kept getting up every 2 minutes because, "I wanna dance!!!!" Still, somehow Jim$ managed to get the waitress to take his order before anyone else got a chance to look at the menu.
The waitress managed to come back and get Trustey and my orders, and we put in for some fried pickle and fried tomato appetizers as well. It was around this time I received some disturbing news from Dmo, via BBM.
Dmo: Where u at?
Ostrowe: Brother jimmy's
Dmo: Okay. we're coming. I hate drunk chicks.
Ostrowe: Me too
Dmo: Bah. we r on our way back
I'm going to murder ole mel
Ostrowe: I'm going to murder everyone else so its all good
Dude I give up
Dmo: Bah. Me too
Ostrowe: I'm eating dinner and then going to beyonce's
Jenn just got up ffrom the table to go dance and trustey went with her
Once Dmo and Ole Mel arrived things predictably went from bad to worse. Ole Mel sat down with her makeup smeared all over her face from her crying and proceeded to eat Jim$ sandwich. Once the fried pickles arrived I tried to get Jenn to eat some so she would sober up but she took a bite out of one, grabbed it out of her mouth and threw it back in the basket because it was too hot. Jim$ disappeared and came back to the table with another fucking fishbowl. And Trustey kept getting yelled at by the waitstaff because we now had five people sitting at the table and his seat was blocking the aisle. Then Ole Mel went nuclear.
She started loudly mumbling over and over again, "He doesn't let me do anything. I'm not allowed to have any fun," while Trustey and I sat there incredulous. Then she started saying Dmo was a homosexual, and that he would rather have sex with me, Jim$ and Trustey than her. I tried to explain to her, "I think you're wrong. He would rather have sex with you, but he would rather hang out with me, Jim$ and Trustey and I don't blame him," but I might as well have been speaking Spanish to her at this point. Convinced that Dmo was a raging asshole despite everyone else telling her the opposite, Ole Mel decided to get up and storm out of the restaurant. No one bothered to stop her, though after ten minutes of internal debate Trustey decided to go out looking for her. He came back alone.
Around this point the bouncer came over to our table and told us we had to calm down, as Brother Jimmy's is a family establishment and there were kids sitting at the next table. I took this as a sign that it was time to get the check. When Jim$ realized this he screamed at me in horror, and once I tried to pay, he yanked the check out of my hand and decided to pay it all himself. While this was going on I came up with the brilliant plan to try and round everyone up and get them to the karaoke place early, so they would all be spent by the time JMac's party, which was still 3 hours away at this point rolled around. Again, great in theory, but poor in execution. I have to give much credit to Rick here, as I have no idea how he has the patience to round everyone up when we're like this. Granted, the fact that I had also been drinking all day let to my shortness, but I eventually got fed up and peaced out, sprinting a block and a half away and jumping in a cab to Beyonce's. I figured things would be in better shape there, little did I know I was stepping out of the frying pan and into the fire.
I got out of the cab and was greeted by a chorus of cheers from Beyonce's second floor window, as the gang was all there and ready to party. As interesting as my day was, Joyce's was moreso. Needless to say, he was no longer with the ladyfriend, and was drinking with a purpose. Not long after I arrived we all filed into cabs and headed back to the very same Brother Jimmy's I had just left to pregame before karaoke. Luckily Jim$ and crew had vacated the premises, heading to the karaoke place early as I had planned. The only difference is they went to the wrong karaoke place. Jim$ was very concerned about being tardy to the party, but they actually never made it, which is probably best for everyone involved.
After my cab, consisting of me, Jesse and JChode, took a detour to the wrong Brother Jimmy's, we got about 2 minutes of pregaming in before we had to go. Which was great seeing as everyone had just ordered drinks. Beyonce's roommate, GatorBaiter, had a great remedy, which consisted of passing drinks back and forth between her, myself and Joyce. So we hastily made our way to Karaoke Duets on 48th and 2nd. Everything was going quite well up to this point.
From the minute we got there Rich Uncle JMac did not set down the microphone. We dueted on both "White Houses" and "I Want It That Way", video of which you can see right here.
Karaoke itself was basically a controlled chaos, at least moreso than the post game watch fiasco. Joyce was in rare form, breaking out all manner of pushups, dance and otherwise. My favorite was when he balanced himself on three of the ottomans and did them that way. GatorBaiter must've enjoyed it as well, as she was quite receptive to the little guy's attempts to get over his recent discomfiture.
Unfortunately for the LG, the days events had spiraled into a Perfect Situation, and mere moments after the above picture was taken, he was slumped over on the couch with his head in his hands. When I went over to check on him, all he could say was "I dont feel good, iwannagohome." I carried him outside to get some fresh air, and he tried throwing up, but nothing was coming out. I managed to get him into the bathroom in an attempt to clean up, but he just locked himself in the stall and only agreed to come out 10 minutes later after Murph, Rick's ladyfriend and I brought him back outside for more air. Amidst his declaring his desire to go home, he did manage to ask for his jacket, and I slipped the bouncer $20 to look after him so we could go back inside.
Once we got back in, we had to convince GatorBaiter not to go out and check on him, as that probably would have ruined whatever shot he had left. So everything was going well until a couple of songs later, when one of the karaoke people came in and told me, "Your friend is-a reaving," at which point I looked at Murph and said, "Your turn," and he left to go look for him. We found out the next morning that he found him in the back of a cab on the way to Beyonce's, which I guess was the home he was looking for. GatorBaiter left shortly after, allegedly to let them in but speculation was rampant that she was winded and just wanted to go home.
The rest of the night was uneventful, save for JChode's awful rap skills, and the end of the night, when Beyonce practically had to drag everyone out of the room. I was supposed to leave with Rick's ladyfriend, but my phone was died, so I decided to head back with Beyonce. First there was the little matter of paying the bill, which after several hours at $8.50 per person came to a whopping total of $529.86. Now, this would not have been so bad had people left the right amount of money when they left, but of course this was not the case. I threw down $100, several others gave what they could, and Beyonce threw the rest on her credit card. I hopped in a cab with the two of them and headed back to her place to call it a night.
This posed a problem, as when we got back, Murph and Joyce were passed out on the air mattress in the living room, and Beyonce and GatorBaiter's mormon roommate had a rando friend sleeping on the couch. So I got to sleep on the hardwood floor next to the ancient radiator, but not before I heard JMac exclaim from Beyonce's room in the gravest of tones, "Oh no! I spilled water on the bed! Beyonce's gonna hate me!"
The night's sleep was what you would expect, as I woke up every hour with shooting pains in my hip and had to switch sides so the pain was evenly distributed. The highlight took place around 6am when Joyce bolted upright from the air mattress panicked as all hell and yelled "Where the hell am I??" before I told him to calm the fuck down, we were at Beyonce's, and he proceeded to do his best imitation of A-ha's video for "Take On Me" walking down the hallway to the bathroom.
We woke for good at 9, and Joyce and I took off to retrieve his stuff from his now former ladyfriend's. After we returned, we all went out to breakfast, save for JMac, who may as well have been on my couch for the shape he was in, and the Mormon roommate and his rando friend, who went off to church to likely bathe in holy water after spending the night sharing the apartment with the likes of us.
Breakfast was quite gentleman and womanly, as we discussed the merits of jelly vs. marmalade, Beyonce worried that the rando on the couch was a potential Daryl, and we learned about the history of Challah bread from GatorBaiter.
Joyce: "What's Challah bread?"
Waitress: "Its like a thick white bread."
GatorBaitor: "You wouldn't make a very good Jewish boy"
Ostrowe: "How are we supposed to know that, there's no one Jewish at this table."
GatorBaitor: "I am."
Ostrowe: "What? No you're not, there's no Jewish people in the South."
From here we went to a discussion of bar and bat mitzvahs, as we tried to explain to GatorBaiter the nature of Rockland, at which point our waitress overheard and joined the discussion, as she was a New City native. I must confess that I knew this when I saw her, as I recognized her from my long ago days at Deer Mountain Day Camp. She had a face that was pretty hard to forget, in much the same way I would imagine it would be hard to forget seeing a shotgun wound to the neck in person.
After breakfast Joyce and I departed for Rockland, wisely passing up the 1pm Rangers game at the Garden and taking the train to Nanuet via SEA caucus. We put the exclamation point on the weekend's events with a trip to White Castle, and the subsequent rush to get to my house before I vomited White Castle all over the little guy's car. Though the year is still young, I cannot possibly imagine this weekend being topped. But I'm sure that won't stop us from trying. I think this picture of a pensive Joyce sums up everything.
May the God bless you all, forever.
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