Retro Post: The Dream Job Running Diary

I've been doing this blog thing going on five years now, and a lot has changed in those five years. As such, I plan on doing some major housecleaning with this site. Hopefully this will someday lead to more posts, but I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for that. Anyway, as far as the housecleaning, there's a lot of stuff over on my old Geocities site just sitting there taking up space. My goal is to eventually have it all moved over here. And yes, I realize Rick had the same idea several years ago, its just taken me this long to catch up. Since, there's no better place to begin than the beginning, I present to you my first ever running diary.

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On Tuesday June 29 2004, ESPN held their first auditions for seasons 2 and 3 of Dream Job. Since I had nothing better to do, I decided to drive into the city and give it a shot. Joining me on the trip was Rob, who in addition to having nothing better to do really wanted to try out for a reality tv show, and since he missed the application date for Survivor decided Dream Job would be the next best thing. Let the diary commence.

5:00 AM - My alarm goes off; I shut it off and go back to sleep.

5:30 - Bah, stupid Dream Job.

6:30 - I pick up Rob, who enters the car and says "I can't believe we're up this early." I echo his sentiments.

7:08 - Traffic on the bridge entrance; I speculate that all this traffic may be for the Dream Job audition, Rob demands I turn car around immediately.

7:20 - Amazingly, we get a spot in a lot on 44th & 8th, mere blocks away from the audition site at the ESPNZone in Times Square. Not so amazingly, the zipper on my pants pocked gets stuck, setting an ominous tone for the rest of the day.

7:33 - We walk three blocks in the wrong direction before realizing it.

7:37 - FUCK, there's a line

7:38 - We walk past the front of the line and spot Jimmy Styles, who we graduated high school with. For those of you who don't know Jimmy Styles, I think Rob's description sums it up nicely: "That kid was like every nerd character you see in movies rolled into one."

7:40 - Zipper unstuck! VICTORY!

8:01 - My attire is ridiculed by a hot chick in a Red Sox hat being followed by a cameraman. I respond by telling her that it about time someone brought some color to the network, and that maybe they should consider starting a "Hawaiian shirt Friday." She chuckles and then leaves before I can tell her that Boston sucks.

8:18 - I just finished filling out the application form, which included questions like:

"What 5 qualities you possess would make you a good Sportscenter anchor?"
"What is the most interesting thing about you that no one could tell by looking at you?"
"What is the most outrageous thing you've ever done?"

I wisely refused to answer the most outrageous question on the grounds that they would probably throw me out.
By signing the application, I have just signed away my "moral rights", whatever that means.

8:36 - The guy in front of us online has Harry Caray glasses on; also, I really have to pee.

8:37 - Byron Metcalf is going around interviewing people for ESPN the Magazine; he looks about 12 years old.

8:40 - Rob casually mentions that he can't name anyone on the Rangers aside from Jagr, I try to do the same and can only come up with Mike Dunham. Unfortunately, the guy in the Harry Caray glasses in front of us overhears and starts talking to us about the Devils and Cablevision; this is officially a disaster.

9:06 - We have movement! Hopefully the guy with the Harry Caray glasses shuts up now.

9:09 - So much for that; an incredibly loud, piercing noise of undetermined origin starts to sound.

9:13 - Noise stops; guy in front of us still talking about the Devils and Cablevision, and how he was celebrating the 2003 Stanley Cup in a diner with Stan Fishler; I still really have to pee.

9:35 - I wonder if Shelly's working today.
Rob - "This sucks."

9:41 - The guy hands us his business cards, his name is Noam, what the fuck kind of a name is Noam.

9:55 - Line moves.

9:56 - Line stops.

10:09 - I think Noam finally stopped talking.

10:11 - My arm feels like its about to fall out of the socket, I still really have to pee, this is officially one of the worst experiences of my life.

10:31 - Noam gets interviewed by Marisa Guthrie of the Daily News, when she asks him what he put for his most outrageous moment he says he didn't put anything because he's not an outrageous person. While he is saying this I glance back at my paper and she mistakenly takes this as a sign that I want to be interviewed. She tries to pry my most outrageous moment out of me, I tell her she doesn't want to know because she wouldn't be able to print it in the paper anyway. She keeps prying so I finally tell her, and then she asks me if I would like to re-enact it right there on the street with her. Okay, I made that part up.

10:45 - I make the cut as the last person to be allowed into the building for this group of people and head straight to the bathroom.

10:46 - AHHHHH.

10:51 - I leave the bathroom and find Rob seated at a table. I am directed to a different table where there are quizzes waiting in front of every seat and they inform us that these are our groups from now on. My group consists of:

Noam
Carmela D. - a short, fat woman who looks like a munchkin
Eric - a Flyers fan with red hair buzzed short
Stu Z - a pretty goofy looking guy
Kevin and Collin - 2 frat looking guys
Michael- a big fat black guy
a greasy guido-looking guy whose name I don't remember
another tall skinny black guy whose name I can't remember but looked like Sebastian Telfair.

We have 8 minutes to complete the quiz.

11:08 - They take our quizzes away and tell us to sit tight for a bit as everyone starts comparing answers. I thought I did pretty well cause there were only 4 questions I knew for sure I didn't know, plus I was the only one in my group that new Stewart Elliot was Smarty Jones' jockey. Then someone pointed out that the Packers and Chiefs played in Super Bowl I, not Super Bowl II, and my feeling of impending doom returned.

11:10 - While comparing answers, it seemed the only two words Michael uttered the whole time were "Oh man"

11:12 - Noam bitches that there weren't enough hockey questions; I start quietly plotting to kill Noam.

11:15 - Hannah, the asian chick proctoring the exams tells us to keep siting tight and then makes fun of me because I wrote Dan O. on my nametag; I quickly turn the tables on her by making fun of her for not getting the reference, I have the whole table cracking up. I hope the producers are this easy.

11:20 - Hannah has us all line up in single file by table; I immediately forget my place in line and one of the frat guys says "I just know I'm behind you cause you're Dan O." And don't you forget it, pal.

11:21 - We are escorted behind the black curtain and made to form semi-circles around a table for a "roundtable discussion." I am put off by the fact that the Dream Job producers apparently didn't get the memo that most roundtable discussions take place sitting down.

11:23 - One of the producer chicks starts off by saying, "All right, let's start off with your catchphrase, I know you've all been practicing them." She is noticeably dismayed when everyone goes "I don't have a catchphrase." One person even asked what a catchphrase was. Somehow I don't think anyone from this group is making it on the show.

11:25 - We all go through our catchphrases, which you can read about in the Daily News. (Well you could have back in 2004 - Ostrowe) If you hadn't guessed, mine was "That's not gonna be good for business," which I still think is pretty good, even if its not up to Marisa Guthrie's standards.

11:27 - We're asked to give our ten second dream play by play call; the greasy looking guido guy gets us off to a roaring start by taking about five minutes to describe something about the Yankees. Honestly I don't remember what he was talking about, I pretty much zoned out at this point. I do know Noam did a horrible job, rambling on for what seemed like a half hour about the Devils going into the third period tied 2-2 or whatever, and Collin the frat guy did the Red Sox winning the World Series, which made the hot chick in the Red Sox hat from before start clapping. I did an alternate universe Belmont Stakes where Smarty Jones won that I fucked up when I stuttered at the beginning due to dehydration. I pretty much gave up on the call halfway thru. I still thought I was in decent shape because I made everybody crack up just by saying "alternate universe Belmont Stakes," but it was not meant to be.

11:35 - They have us do a point counterpoint thing where we have to pick one side of a statement and argue it. I had to argue that Lou Pinella deserved AL manager of the year and made the point that being over 500 this late in the year was unheard of in Tampa, but Collin the frat guy countered by saying Buck Showalter, to which I responded, "That's a good choice, I can't argue with that."

11:37 - They bombard us with questions like "who's your favorite sportscaster", and the producer gets pissed at me when I name 3 guys, sternly repeating "Who's your favorite sportscaster?" I thought I recovered when they asked who the one player you would start an NFL team with would be and I said Ray Lewis and half the group copied my answer, but then I fucked up again when they asked Eric the Flyers fan which coach most deserved to be fired, and he said the Rangers coach. When they asked what his name was, Eric couldn't answer, and I piped in "Its Glen Sather, and he never should have been hired in the first place," and the producer guy went, "No! He's not the coach anymore." Now that is certainly not gonna be good for business.

11:40 - The producers tell us to just wait here while they huddle up and decide who moves on. Noam takes this opportunity to hand out his business card to the entire group. Kevin the frat guy looks at me and says "I guess every group has its 'special' ones."

11:42 - The producers return and announce who will be moving on: Michael, the big black guy, who when asked to argue that Jameer Nelson didn't deserve to be drafted higher decided to argue that Emeka Okafor should have been college basketball player of the year; Carmela, who as far as I could tell only advanced cause she didn't have a penis; and Stu, who when asked which coach most deserved to be fired, said Herm Edwards because while he was a great motivator, he couldn't manage a clock to save his life, to which the one producer chick who yelled at me before said "YES! He is the worst at clock management! Put him on the show!"

11:45 - Meet up with Rob on the outside. On the way back to the car, he compares this trip into the city to the one we made to go to the lostprophets concert, only to get lost and wander around Chinatown on foot at 11PM. This one is voted only slightly better.

11:55 - Rob claims he will never audition for a reality show again.

12:30 - I drop Rob off and head home for a nice long nap.

Overall I would say it was a pretty miserable experience. If I had really wanted the job I would have gotten drunk and gone in to audtion again the next day, because it seemed like what they wanted was a loud, obnoxious catchphrase spouting jackass, which we all know I am when I get saucy. They could have at least provided us with drinks when we finally got inside. So my final word is that the Dream Job producers don't know true talent when they see it. Obviously that's why Stu Scott is still employed.