The 2008 Belmont Stakes Running Diary

Its been four years since there has been a Triple Crown hopeful going into the Belmont. Not coincidentally, its been four years since I've attended a race. (Also not so coincidentally, its been four years since the geniuses who run Belmont decided to no longer allow outside alcohol to be brought in, and I have no desire to spend an entire afternoon surrounded by Long Island douchebags while sober.) However, this year the racing world will be looking on with hope as Big Brown hopes to finally put an end to the nation's 30 year Triple Crown drought. Unfortunately for Rick, he was unable to attend, as he had a prior engagement. So as a result, the task of completing the running diary fell to me. And since the booze will not be flowing freely, I was glad to accept. Making the trip this year to hopefully witness history in the making are myself, Dmo, Joyce, JMac, Tommy and Todd - two of JMac's friends from school, and RF, a gentleman but also a bit of a red flag, as its unknown what he'll be bringing to the table. The plan is to meet up with Eddie O in the parking lot, and meet up with Jim$ in his private box at some point as well.

Friday June 6

1055am - Departure time and method is discussed in order to have a plan for the next day.

1105 - Joyce brings up the possibility of renting a "boces retard van" for all of us to drive down in and begins looking up prices.

249pm - Mar gets everyone off topic by breaking the news that Abby will be coming on the booze cruise in 3 weeks. Be on the lookout for that running diary, its sure to be monumental.

339 - Joyce tries and fails to get everyone back on the topic of Belmont booze and transportation.

447 - The last CoG email for the day. Nothing is decided as far as transportation.

906 - Ostrowe places calls to Joyce, RF, Dmo and JMac. None of them answer. Ostrowe resolves to make friends with more reliable people.

948 - Joyce calls, van plan abandoned. Not much is determined other than we should get both cars to leave at 9am and try to park next to each other so we can tailgate.

1038 - Joyce and I still haven't heard from Dmo or RF. I told you this guy was a red flag. Joyce also reminds me that I should probably purchase a ticket.

1133 - RF calls. He and Dmo were playing basketball against 40 year old men. The plan is set. Dmo will be picked up at 830 and I will be picked up at 9. And apparently I will be scalping my ticket, as there are none left on sale.

Belmont Saturday June 7 2008

733am - I finally get up after multiple attempts.

825 - RF crashes into Dmo's bushes while attempting to call me and back out of the driveway at the same time.

840 - The three of us depart for Belmont after packing the cooler with booze and cold cuts.

842 - Rick decides to unveil his new cover story for attending the race, thus rendering the RF experiment pointless.
Rick:"My grandfather is having surgery and my parents want me to stay in New York in case something happens. Belmont is still in New York."
So for those of you who are slow to catch up, yes, RF = Rick.

846 - Dmo claims he had to take out a loan from Jim$ in order to pay for his ticket.

847 - Rick:"Its going to be amazinig how quickly RF catches on to all our jokes."

857 - Joyce texts Rick claiming he's at gate X7; in reality he hasn't even left his house yet

909 - Sign:"If you worked here your commute would be over by now."
A RickRoll discussion breaks out, and Rick prematurely declares "Never Gonna Give You Up" to be the official CoG song of the Belmont.

914 - After I get through relaying a story about Domenica, the Polish waitress I hung out with the other night, Rick responds, "You hang out with chicks with weird names."

926 - We arrive at Belmont only to be accosted by Ahmed Johnson the parking attendent. He informs us that his boss is telling him to have people park at the other end of the lot, but if we give him some cash he'll let us park right by the exit, so we donate $10 to his cause. A van containing Borat's sidekick and his friends follows in behind us and parks next to us while ignoring Ahmed, proving once again how retarded we are.

930 - Dmo cracks the ceremonial first beer. Borat's sidekick makes fun of us for putting on sunscreen but he is bringing a jacket? One of Borat's sidekick's friends tells us Borat's sidekick's name is Melanoma.

932 - Rick:"Just when we think we have all the answers, Belmont changes the questions."

935 - Rick answers his phone, "Heyyy, good morning beautiful." Ostrowe proclaims he's going to answer all phone calls as such from now on.

937 - Flatulence; a guy in a Mini Cooper is GOIN' OUT! (He kept yelling that at the parking staff and they were yelling it back at him so we of course followed suit.)

939 - Poppers texts Dmo $35 worth of bets to place on the various races throughout the day.

942 - Rick:"How much you wanna bet they miss the exit?"
Dmo:"I'm not betting against their retardedness."

943 - Dmo:"Where are those . . . (looks around and sees his surroundings) . . . guys."

947 - We somehow managed to use our intelligence and realize that there is an open area for tailgating in the shade under the trees right next to the entrance and immediately move our stuff there, almost making up for the $10 donation to the Make Ahmed Johnson Wealthy Foundation earlier.

950 - Apparently Ludacris works for the NYRA.

952 - Dmo claims the beers are going down way too smoothly.

957 - We've known each other for so long. Your heart's been aching but you're too shy to say it.

1005 - Waving at random people as they drive by is awesome. Rick decides to set up a point system.
1 point if they wave back.
2 points if they honk.
2 points if a hot chick, a guy with a cheesy mustache or someone who looks like a famous person waves back.
Unfortunately we were all too winded to keep score.

1007 - Dmo and Ostrowe yell "Happy Everyday!" at an Asian driving by.

1008 - Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down. Never gonna run around and desert you.

1010 - JMac, Joyce and crew drive by without stopping so we can get their cooler out of the car.

1011 - RF is playing Tiger Woods for PSP.
Dmo:"Who are you?"
RF:"I'm The Rick."

1016 - A woman stops her car and asks the NYRA staff, "We're looking for Gate A. We're going to a party." Dmo and Ostrowe yell back, "The party's right here!!"

1019 - JMac, Joyce and friends arrive at our makeshift campsite. One of JMac's friends is wearing a Dave Matthews tshirt. Brock would not approve.

1022 - Joyce's cooler is the same make and model as Ostrowe's, unfortunately it is not the Triple Crown veteran that Ostrowe's is.

1032 - A well dressed slimmie walks by our campsite and refuses to acknowledge us whatsoever. Just like in the outside world.

1033 - "Fuck the kids" - Chris Joyce

1039 - Joyce wants to put the SOAP running diary on his balls.

1043 - Ostrowe offers the NYRA staff beverages; they decline.

1045 - A douchebag in a convertable gets booed after cutting off traffic on his way into Belmont.

1054 - Joyce, in regards to a passing car:"There's some Smurfettes"
Rick:"How can you tell? They're sitting down."
Joyce:"They're fucking tiny!"

1056 - A guy with a cheesy mustache walks by, declines our offer of beverages.

1101 - Dmo is the first to urinate.

1102 - Joyce's wave at passing cars begins to get suspiciously closer and closer to being a Heil Hitler salute.

1107 - A rousing game of catch breaks out. Due to his bad shoulder Ostrowe has no throwing power with his right arm, and due to not being left handed he has no direction when throwing with his left arm, making him a poor candidate to participate.

1114 - The late Kirby Puckett comes up in conversation.

1115 - Joyce, in regards to viewing the race:"Are they gonna have it on a Megatron?"

1123 - Crispin Glover wanders by our campsite and we give him a beverage.

1134 - JMac and Ostrowe reminisce about the real Marty Piccinich.

1148 - Jim$ is so wealthy.

1151 - NYRA = New York Ricky Association

1152 - Jesse (who isn't here) looks like a young Bob Dylan; JMac claims he needs to eat some meat (no homo)

1155 - "That guy is enormous." - said by all of us at one point regarding the same guy in a passing car.

1202 - Joyce is bowing at random cars as the staff from the NYRA are laughing at him.

1204 - Its too bad Rick's not here to videotape this.

1209 - Dmo tries unsuccessfully to knock the beer out of Joyce's hand by throwing the football at him.

1211 - Joyce often wears shirts underneath his shirts.

1215 - Ostrowe tackles Joyce on his way to the facilities.

1216 - JMac says drinking #9 leaves him fatigued and bloated, like he is on his period. He then leaves to get his iPod/speaker combo so we can have some music for our tailgate.

1217 - Dmo succeeds in his third try to hit Joyce with the football, thus spilling his beer all over him.

1220 - RF would like to take credit for us sitting in the shade.

1221 - Big Blonde is enormous.

1227 - NYRA staffer Rose asks us what section this is that we are currently in, Joyce responds "X7"

1230 - A retarded Hedo Turkoglu drives by; Joyce starts yelling "BUFFALO!!!" at no one in particular.

1233 - Anyone could see the road that they walk on is paved in gold. Its always summer, they'll never get cold. They'll never get hungry, they'll never get old and gray. (Fastball brought to you by JMac's iPod)

1234 - JMac and Joyce ask Rose what it is she's writing; it turns out she's keeping a tally of cars that drive in, not a competing running diary.

1237 - JMac starts offering Doritos to cars as they drive by.

1238 - Dmo gets a phone call from Terry! If Moro were here he'd be going nuts.

1241 - Joyce:"Happy everyday!"
Random asian:"Happy day!"

1242 - Joyce yells at Red Sundress:"Do you know Wes Helms??"
Red Sundress:"No."(keeps walking)

1246 - Joyce fakes a handoff to a car driving by.

1248 - Ostrowe:"Is that Alton Brown?"
JMac:"Yeah Elton John."

1256 - I went to Belmont and an emo concert broke out.
Tell me what you thought about when you were gone and so alone. The worst is over. You can have the best of me. We got older but we're still young. We never grew out of this feeling that we won't give up.
Joyce gives away our last piece of cheese to a random drunk walking by.
Random drunk:"Thanks Shawn."

106 - A group Dirty Bird results in the football being thrown into the middle of traffic.

109 - Don Muraco borrows the football.

117 - Ostrowe somehow makes the perfect beer throw to a guy on a bus going by. (ed. note - It was really quite breathtaking)

119 - An insanely hot chick walks by.
Rick:"Good god. I can't even begin to imagine what having sex with her is like."
Ostrowe:"I bet its like having sex with a rainbow."

122 - Dmo takes a picture with a guy with a cheesy mustache despite the guy's protest.

125 - We start making our way towards the track.

138 - Joyce:"You're screwed, you don't have a visor."
Ostrowe:"I have a hat."
Joyce:"But its not a visor."

140 - Despite tickets allegedly being sold out, Ostrowe pays $10 at the door and walks right in while Rick wanders off to find will call. Dmo is so wealthy he writes off his already purchased will call ticket and drops another $10 to purchase a ticket at the door. Jmac and his friends disappear shortly after walking in.

148 - Ostrowe blatantly hits on Jen, the hot chick at the ticket window. Jen tells him he better have picked a winning horse.

155 - Eddie O!

205 - Eddie O asks to see the pics of Jess the Librarian from Preakness, Ostrowe shows him the infamous pics instead. Eddie O reacts accordingly.

209 - A group of underage kids offeres us $1 to buy them beers; we tell them to up the offer or fuck off. They fuck off.

216 - Ostrowe cuts right to fence for a random race to watch his horse lose and his chances with Jen go out the window.

220 - Ostrowe chats with a couple of Panthers fans from Charlotte who are optimistic about the upcoming season. Ostrowe mentions that if John Fox doesn't produce this season, he's fucked. Charlotte guys respond, "We've driven past his house. Its huge. There's no way that guy's fucked."

224 - JMac reappears but has no money to bet so he wanders off again to find an ATM.

238 - Dmo sweats in the shape of a T because he has so many T's in his face all day.

240 - Ostrowe walks halfway up the stairs to say "Happy Everyday!" to an Asian.

241 - Faux Jake Delhomme won $600 on the last race.

248 - Scout! Ostrowe and Dmo haven't hung out with him in about four years. For some reason he's dressed like a giant homo.

259 - Dmo attempts to buy an $8 beer when the stand right behind us is selling them for $7. Must be nice to be so wealthy.

305 - Dmo's phone is deceased; Rick wanders off citing a need to sit down.

319 - An overdressed Asian is cooling himself off with some ice from a beer chest.

330 - Yvette the beer saleswoman is hot and spicy.

339 - Joyce gets Flair chopped. (Ed note - I can only assume it was by me.)

341 - Rick:"I can barely stand up straight."
Ostrowe:"That's what she said."

344 - A chick in a pink and black shirt walks by.
Ostrowe:"Bah, Bret Hart."
Joyce:"The late."
O:"He's still alive."
J:"Really? Who's the dead one?"
O:"Owen."
J:"Bah, the late Owen Hart."

346 - Dmo calls Poppers from Eddie O's phone:"What the hell happened in race 7????"

358 - Dmo gets booted off the sausage line after attempting to cut everyone.

401 - The late Jim McKay - following in Reagan's footsteps.

420 - Joyce and Ostrowe wander upstairs looking for a bathroom and run into Caroline from Bailey's! Sadly she's with her rich douchebag boyfriend. (ed. note - In fairness, I knew him before he started dating her, and he's not a bad guy. But if you were to picture in your head what you think a rich douchebag would look like, 99 percent of the time you would come up with this guy.)

427 - A douchebag Red Sox fan falls on his ass and tries to pick a fight with a little guy walking by for no reason.

437 - RF took a nap and then Dmo kicked him.
Joyce:"Who the hell is RF? Is that Eddie O?"

444 - Dmo is so wealthy he bought us all Big Brown tshirts.

451 - Dmo is down with Little Brown.

459 - Jim$ shows up. In case you were wondering what took him so long, he had a difficult time pulling himself away from his foursome with the Dahm triplets.

512 - Jim$ leads us all on an oddysey to find the NY Lotto jackpot guy and get a picture with him. To no one's surprise he is not there when we finally get to where he allegedly was.

516 - Guys in army fatigues walking by = USA chant breaking out.

518 - We go back to the beer stand, which is now sadly sans Yvette :(
Dmo steals a beer and Jim$ gets charged for it.

530 - Jim$ is wealthy; Ostrowe had to borrow a pen to write that.

537 - Ostrowe steals a pen from the beer stand so he can continue writing the running diary.

603 - Eddie O points out protruding nips on the chick in the blue shirt. Eddie O is a gentleman.

613 - Halfway to the rail is as far as Ostrowe's getting for the main race. Only ten minutes to post.

623 - We're no strangers to love. You know the rules and so do I. A full commitment's what I'm thinking of. You wouldn't get this from any other guy.

628 - The race hasn't gone off yet. Ostrowe remembers why he hates Belmont.
"Fuck Long Island." - Dan Ostrowe

633 - Ostrowe start walking back halfway through the race because Big Brown is nowhere near the lead and doesn't have a fucking chance.

635 - The race is over. D'Tara wins. 30 years without a Triple Crown.
Ostrowe gets back to Dmo at the doorway and he is talking to some drunk chick in a pink dress who he claims is psychotic because he keeps grabbing her T's and she doesn't mind.

646 - On the walk back, Dmo and Ostrowe are accosted by Big Black, who steals Dmo shirt and tries to instigate fisticuffs with Ostrowe. Luckily cooler heads prevail and everyone makes it out in one piece.

649 - Dmo spots a faux Ralph Friedgen.

657 - Dmo and Ostrowe return to the car, Rick is nowhere in sight. Dmo has trouble urinating between the cars with all the people walking by.

702 - Nassau police let a guy out of the back of the car so they can take care of traffic.

705 - JMac returns followed by the rest of the gentlemen. Rick and Ostrowe put the cooler in the backseat so Ostrowe and Dmo can booze on the ride home.

711 - Eddie Carpezzi is wealthy.

713 - Dmo claims RF is going to take him to Rhode Island this summer.

715 - In the never-ending battle to distract each other when they are on the phone with slimmies, Ostrowe plays the Trump card, downloading "Never Gonna Give You Up" onto his phone and playing it repeatedly in Rick's ear as he tries to talk to Tara. Rick is forced to tap out and hang up the phone.

722 - Rick's croissants are buttery and delicious.

724 - Rick offers up the cupholder for Dmo's beer so he doesn't spill it on his carpet; Dmo declines claiming he won't be falling asleep and thus won't need it.

725 - We pass Jimmy Han's Foxwoods bus on the right hand side.

731 - Dmo:"Bah, so much for that not spilling beer on your carpet Rick."

736 - Big Black is making a nice outfit out of Dmo's shirt and my Hambo hat.

740 - Flatulence.

8pm - RF drops Ostrowe off at home in order to shower before the after party at Casa de Joyce.

The after party sadly was not part of the running diary, as I was way too winded by that point to keep writing, and it just would have been a big drunken mess anyway. Suffice to say there were numerous games of beer pong played, numerous bowls of Mrs. Joyce's chili enjoyed and JMac was apopleptic about his socks falling off. Also, plans were made to enjoy French Toast for the French Open at Rick's house the following day, which was highlighted by both JMac and Ostrowe passing out, and JMac waking up and proclaiming "I'm gonna hurl" before getting up and doing just that.

As for the Belmont itself, after all the excitement of Preakness, it was a bit of a letdown. Not to say it wasn't a phenomenal time, there's just something about being able to enjoy sitting in the infield boozing while the races go on around you. And Big Brown was a big letdown, which just goes to show you that anything with "Big" followed by a color in the name is best avoided. Until next time ladies and gentlemen, may the god bless you for ever.