For those unfamiliar with Anfron, or his performance at this year's Preakness, here's a quick introduction. He is a fairly normal guy the majority of the time, and gets a solid amount of chicks. When he is sober. When he is drunk, Anfron is probably the worst out of all of us. He is prone to wandering off for hours at a time only to reappear mumbling incoherant nonsense. The worst thing about it is it comes out of nowhere. One second he's fine and then the next its like someone flipped a switch to turn him into Drunk Anfron. So throwing him into a scenario involving a solid six hours of tailgating in scorching heat is a recipe for disaster.
The tailgate started out strong with a solid group of 8 departing from Gaithersburg in two cars: Anfron, myself and Poppers in the SUV; Jurgen, Peg, Eddie O, Dmo and BP in the Jurgenmobile. Once we arrived in the Comcast Center parking lot, home base for our tailgating festivities, we were joined by Jim$, who had just been flown in via his personal helicopter.
We had a nice set up, with a tent between the two cars maximizing the amount of shade for those of us who wanted to enjoy the DirectTv satellite hookup, a table for the grill and foodstuffs, and an arena for Cornhole set up right next door. As the day went on, we were joined by more and more revelers. Mostly dudes of course, despite the combined chick recruiting efforts of both Peg and Anfron.
As it got closer to game time, I noticed Anfron had been replaced by Drunken Anfron. This was discernable by the fact that his vocabulary had slimmed down to three phrases ("Titties
", "You're a bitch" and "You hook-a") and the fact that he was now shirtless and flipping off no one in particular while unable to keep his tongue in his mouth (as seen in the accompanying pic from this year's Preakness).With game time quickly approaching and the tailgate beginning to close up shop, Anfron, in a typical Drunken Anfron move, disappeared. Shortly after I noticed this, I got a phone call from him asking where I was.
Ostrowe:"I'm still at the tailgate"
Anfron:"No you're not, I'm right next to the tailgate"
Ostrowe:"What are you talking about? I don't see you anywhere"
Anfron:"I'm right there."
He showed up a few minutes later, apparently with a strong urge to urinate, as he proceeded to unzip his pants and start peeing right next to the few slimmies who had yet to deem us too pathetic to talk to.
At this point Jim$, in his infinite wisdome, decides it is a good time to start shotgunning the few beers we have left. Of course, Drunken Anfron is easily convinced to participate. Not without incident, as he has trouble opening the can and manages to slice his finger open in the process, causing the slimmies to start freaking out at the amount of blood that is now gushing all over the place. Anfron's words of consolation for the slimmies: "I don't have fucking AIDS."
In what would turn out to be an incredibly poor decision, Dmo and I left Anfron and Jim$ at the tailgate to continue shotgunning beers while we went to the game. At the time I thought nothing of it, seeing as there were sober people around, and Jim$ didn't appear to be in that bad shape. Then about 5 minutes into the game I got a call from a number I didn't recognize. Since I was watching the game, I didn't answer and they left a voicemail. A few minutes later when I got up to go to the bathroom, I listened to the message:
"Hi Ostrowe its (Anfron's g/f), I don't really care for this bullshit that (Anfron)'s pulling with the 'Maryland police', so he calls it 'the Maryland police'. Anyway I'm with my family, tell him to stop fucking calling me cause I'm not answering the phone, this is ridiculous. I'm sure he's joking around with this arresting shit, grow up already. Goodbye."
Obviously my initial reaction was to start laughing. After I managed to regain my composure I tried calling Anfron, and of course got no answer. Then I called Jim$, who's care I had left Anfron in. He informed me that he thought Anfron left with us, and he had no idea where he was.
After I got a hold of Anfron's girlfriend, she explained the message: She had gotten a phone call from Anfron saying someone wanted to talk to her. Said person was a UMD police officer telling her that her boyfriend was about to get arrested for fighting people in the parking lot. When she informed the officer that she was in New York, he said "Then you're useless" and hung up on her. Don't you just love campus police?
When she was done informing me of all this, I told her to go back to her family, and that we would take care of it. I went and confronted Jim$ with the information she provided, and he made a call to the campus police, who responded that yes, Anfron had been taken in, but he had been released to his family. Seeing as they were about 4 hours away in Rockland, that left us completely at a loss as to where he was. He could have been wandering around the streets of College Park for all we knew. Based off his previously displayed ability to find his way back to home base no matter how drunk he is, we held out hope that he would be back at the cars when we got back. But that was not the case.
At a complete loss as to what to do, someone suggested calling in to the post game show and asking them if anyone had seen or heard from Anfron. Before we decided to do that, I called Mar in California on a hunch, hoping he might have the number of Anfron's friend from high school. He did not, but made a couple of calls and found someone who did. When Dmo called the kid and asked him if he'd seen Anfron, the kid responded, "Oh boy, have I seen Anfron."
It turned out the kid's parents happened to be walking by as Anfron was getting busted, and they managed to convince the campus police to release him to their care. They proceeded to bring him back to their hotel room and left him passed out in their bed. It was ultimately decided that since Jim$ was the one who lost him in the first place, he should be the one to pick him up. So the other two cars headed back to Gaithersburg, while Jim$ headed to the College Park Quality Inn to pick up Anfron. Despite the fact that we now knew where he was and who he was with, we still felt like we should call into the postgame show to find out if they had any additional information. Former UMD QB Scott McBrien did not prove too helpful.
Radio host:"Marty from College Park, just leaving the game, what's your question?"
Dmo:"Hey Scott, I was just wondering what you thought of Anfron's performance out there, he kinda got lost in the shuffle."
Scott McBrien:". . . Who?"
Dmo:"Anfron."
Scott McBrien:". . . You mean the Villanova quarterback?"
Dmo:"Yeah, he looked kinda lost out there."
Dmo should be commended not only on keeping himself from breaking out into a fit of laughter, but also on making them think it was an actual legitimate question. It certainly didn't hurt that the Mar State QB's name happened to be Antwan, but hearing the phone call on the radio was enough to send both cars into raging fits of laughter. Laughter which was not curtailed any by the phone call from Jim$ informing us that he could hear Anfron moving around in the hotel room but he wasn't answering the door, and that the kid's parents had given Jim$ a stern lecture for allowing Anfron to get so drunk.
When we got back to Gaithersburg, having been beaten back by the other car, we were greeted by the sight of BP vomiting in the parking garage, and the sound of an angry drunken phone call from Anfron demanding to know why he had been woken up from his nap. Eventually Jim$ brought him back to Gaithersburg, having no recollection of being arrested, and claiming he med up with the kid's parents so he could rest in their hotel room. Of course, he was singing a different tune when he woke up the next morning.
Anfron:"What the hell happened yesterday?"
Needless to say, between the tailgating festivities and the Appalachian State victory over Michigan, equaling the excitement of opening weekend will be a daunting task for the rest of the season. But I'm damn sure willing to give it a shot.
3 comments:
Anfron was never in the care of Jim$. If he was to be in the care of anyone, it should have been the care of the person who brought him to the game (i.e. the author of the blog).
Bah, Jim$ is so wealthy
Jim$ is the mayor of tittieville
Post a Comment