Wrestlemania 23 Running Diary

Every sport has their major event, even "fake" sports. For professional wrestling, that event is Wrestlemania, known to fans as the "Grandaddy of them All" due to the history involved. Since the wrestling industry is currently in a major creative slump, my main reason for ordering this year's show was to keep a running diary. So let's get started.

The venue for this year's Grandaddy is Detroit's Ford Field. The venue for us watching this year's Grandaddy is my basement, hosting for the second consecutive year. Joining me would be Rick; Dmo, who came up from Raleigh just to be at the show; Dmo's girlfriend Melissa, a grandaddy virgin; and a cheese platter. Dmo and Melissa will be joining us late due to the fact that they spent the afternoon in the city enjoying a matinee. One of the stories going into the show, in addition to the Battle of the Billionaires that has been hyped on every major entertainment news program, is the controversy surrounding the main events. Yes, that's plural. There are two different shows with two different titles, and each one gets their own main event. The controversy is due to the fact that Smackdown's main event of Batista vs. Undertaker is going on first despite the fact that Undertaker won the Royal Rumble, which generally guarantees a spot in the show's final match. Batista (the champ) has gone on record claiming that match is going to steal the show. Knowing the skill level of the two competitors involved, the only way that's happening is if they literally hijack the production truck.

645pm - After a late dinner, I order the show in time to catch the second half of the preshow.

647 - After going upstairs to get my computer for the running diary, I return to find that Rick has managed to unplug the cable box. We plug it back in and get nothing but a black screen. This is not going to be good for business.

650 - Still waiting for the cable box to reboot.

651 - The picture finally comes back; Preshow host Todd Grisham calls the Great Khali (a 7 foot Indian guy) "the Monster from the Poonjab Jungle". I think that's actually how Dell customers refer to their tech support department.

657 - After going online and reading spoilers that say the Money In The Bank match will start the show, I try to share this information with Rick causing him to cover his ears and claim he doesn't want to know because wrestling's not fake. Meanwhile, I am wondering how Dmo will react to missing the Money in the Bank match for the second straight year.

658 - Todd Grisham: "Its time for me to shut up." Actually Todd I think the time for that was about two minutes after the preshow started.

659 - The show hasn't even started yet and I'm already sick of this year's theme song (Saliva's "Ladies and Gentleman")

702 - Aretha Franklin kicks things off by singing "America the Beautiful"; she's a good choice because she's looking to be about the size of America these days.

703 - I'm not sure if that's Aretha Franklin or Big Vis in a wig.

705 - Rick has a hard time determining what's bigger, Aretha's boob or her FUPA; Vegas has the odds at a Pick 'Em

707 - The rundown of the card prompts the following exchange:

Rick:"Why is MVP wrestling at Wrestlemania?"
Ostrowe:"Why is Matt Striker wrestling at Wrestlemania?"
Rick:"Touche'"

708 - The show proper starts; Now I know why the Saliva song sounds familiar, it reminds me of the theme song to Nickelodeon's "GUTS" (do you have it?????)

709 - The spoilers were right as the Money in the Bank match starts the show. Now we get to sit through introductions for 8 guys.

711 - Smackdown announcer JBL claims that this is King Booker's first ladder match; seeing as he's been wrestling for 20 something years I highly doubt that. Also, Finlay loves to fight. (For the uninitiated, his gimmick is he is a short, paunchy Irish guy who loves to fight. And in case you didn't know that he provides a helpful voiceover stating that at the start of his entrance music.)

712 - The intro for fan favorite (at least those of us fans sitting in my basement) Mistahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Kennedy . . . .

713 - Kennedy.

715 - The bell rings signaling the start of the match after six minutes worth of intros. Anyone who's read the previous two Wrestlemania running diaries knows there is always too much going on to follow in these matches; the fact that they added two more guys this year certainly isn't going to make it any easier.

716 - Finlay leaps off the top turnbuckle onto the other 7 guys standing on the floor.

718 - When I call Dmo to inform him he is missing the Money in the Bank match, he is apathetic, stating he is relaxing at his house; CM Punk is wearing the veritable crimson mask; This year's match is different from previous years in that everyone seems to just be taking turns as the focus of the match. This is confirmed when the 7 other guys attack King Booker black ninja style.

720 - Edge suplexes Matt Hardy onto two ladders, followed by Mr. Kennedy cracking his head on the back of a ladder after missing a Ken-ton bomb. I'm pretty sure he's out cold after that one.

722 - Edge is spearing everything in sight; CM Punk avoids the spear by leaping over him and then wears the ladder around his neck and starts spinning around the ring crashing into everyone. This comes to an end when Edge spears him and takes out two more guys in the process.

726 - Jeff Hardy jumps off a 20 foot ladder through Edge and another ladder set up on the ring apron, bringing out the (fake) paramedics.

JBL:"Damn that Jeff Hardy, Damn him to hell!!!"

728 - Randy Orton delivers an RKO to CM Punk off the top of the ladder.

730 - Finlay's head is covered in blood. It looks like he's cut over his eye and on the crown of his skull. In another display of awful announcing, JR claims Finlay would rather taste his own blood than an Irish potato soup.

735 - Mistahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Kennedy is now Mistahhhhhhhhhhh Money In the Bank after knocking CM Punk off the top of the ladder in a rather anticlimactic finish.

737 - After showing a preview for "The Condemned" starring "Stone Cold" Steve Austin, they cut to a bunch of wrestlers for comments. Ron Simmons's review:".....DAMN!"

739 - Kane vs. The Great Khali = root beer break

743 - Punch, headbutt, kick, forearm, repeat. It doesn't matter which one I'm talking about, that's all either of them can do.

745 - Khali ends up tied up in the ropes and Kane uses this opportunity to get a hook from underneath the ring.

748 - Khali wins.

Rick:"Thank god that's over."

751 - Reverend Slick shows up in a backstage skit about dancing; he is busting a move.

752 - More classic wrestlers show up to dance: IRS, Dusty Rhodes, Jimmy Hart, Gene Okerlund and Ricky Steamboat. My actual notes: "What the hell is going on??" Finally, Ron Simmons shows up, takes a look around and ". . . . DAMN!"

756 - Chris Benoit vs. MVP for the US title; since I don't watch Smackdown I'm not really sure what MVP's gimmick is but it appears to be that he is a cocky spoiled athelete.

759 - Dmo and Melissa arrive; Melissa attacks the cheese platter like it took her mother out to a nice seafood dinner and then never called her again.

802 - This has been an excellent match from a technical standpoint, as opposed to Kane vs. Khali, which was not a good match from any standpoint.

803 - Dmo recalls a wrestler from back in the day named MVP, he dressed like an umpire and wore white face paint.

806 - Benoit wins after a picturesque diving headbutt.

808 - In another backstage skit, Donald Trump stares at the Boogeyman and offers him some worms in exchange for a sandwich. Trump is truly a master at the art of the deal.

810 - Highlights of last night's WWE Hall of Fame ceremony, everyone is in agreement that Mr. Perfect was awesome. In fact, he was what we thought he was (perfect).

812 - During his induction one of Dusty Rhodes's sons claims he was the greatest talker in the business, which is funny cause he can barely speak English.

813 - They dust the mothballs off "The Fink" Howard Finkel to introduce the hall of fame class of 2007.

815 - Mr. Fuji has to be escorted out in a wheelchair; he literally hasn't moved since they brought him out. Hopefully we don't have a Weekend at Bernie's situation on our hands here. Meanwhile, the Wild Samoans make faces into the camera.

817 - Batista is not faring well in the AT&T wireless poll asking fans' opinions on who would win the match.

820 - I knew it wasn't going to be the last match but I can't believe they're putting the Smackdown title match on this early; no wonder Batista and the Taker are pissed. Batista is taking his sweet ass time getting to the ring too.

823 - The druids emerge from the floor amidst much chanting.

825 - Dmo asks Melissa who she's rooting for in this match; Melissa takes one look at the Undertaker and replies "Not him, he's scary."

826 - Rick:"And you thought Batista's entrance was slow."

829 - Undertaker's entrance is finally over.

Rick: "Has anyone made a bigger career out of being able to roll their eyes in the back of their head?"

831 - Batista goes up to the top rope and comes off with a shoulderblock as Smackdown announcer Michael Cole practically has an anuerysm calling it.

833 - JBL claims the Undertaker's big boot will rearrange your bicuspids.

834 - Melissa is confused by the fact that the match outcomes are predetermined.

836 - Undertaker leaps clear over the top rope onto Batista on the floor outside.

839 - Batista powerslams the Undertaker through a table as Michael Cole channels Vince McMahon back in his announcing days.

844 - Undertaker kicks out of Batista's finishing move, the Batista bomb.

845 - Undertaker wins with a tombstone as Michael Cole completes his metamorphisis into Gus Johnson.

850 - Lashley's a mooncricket.

851 - Another year another Wrestlemania sketch involving the McMahon family; this year's involves Vince babytalking to his "grandaughter" (actually a camera in a baby carriage) while describing all the dastardly things he's going to do to Donald Trump in the Battle of the Billionaires. He ends the sketch by turning up his nose and saying "I think she just took a Trump."

853 - The ECW match, featuring the ECW originals (RVD, Sabu, Sandman and Tommy Dreamer) taking on the New Breed (Elijah Burke, Matt Striker, Kevin Thorne, and Marquis Corvon). If you haven't heard of any of those guys in the New Breed, don't worry cause neither have I. As the ECW originals enter through the crowd, RVD and Sabut smack/elbow the fands hands out of the way, while Dreamer shakes everyone's hand on the way down in a true "I'm just happy to be here" gesture. Also, Melissa is out cold.

855 - A sparkling wiggle in the audience is wearing a "SLAP TITS" shirt that he must've stolen from The Mayor of Tittyville, Jim$.

858 - Dmo:"This match is terrible."(yawns loudly)

901 - This match sucks but Matt Striker sure sells like a champ.

904 - The ECW Originals won, as if anyone cares; the Battle of the Billionaires is coming up next.

909 - The barbershop set for the post-match headshaving gets its own entrance and entrance music.

910 - Sign of the night: "Trump Can't Shave Vince's Grapefruits" . . . it was a pretty weak night for signs

914 - There is some debate as to whether or not Raw announcer Jerry "The King" Lawler writes his own material or he has writers; Rick says he has writers, Dmo says he writes his own stuff. As the deciding vote I'm gonna say he comes up with his own stuff.

917 - Stone Cold is the special guest referee for the Battle of the Billionaires.

Dmo:"They should have had Ed Hochuli as the special guest referee."
Rick:"They couldn't cut the sleeves big enough."

920 - Melissa announces to everyone that she's awake.

Melissa: "I was sooooooo winded."

921 - Melissa is excited that there are more crackers for the cheese platter. JR keeps referring to Vince as "Mr. McMadman"/

925 - JR: "Trump probably hires people to mop his brow."
Dmo:"Like Jim$"

927 - With both Lashley and Umaga down, Stone Cold stops the count at 9 and declares that there must be a winner.

930 - Stone Cold is knocked unconscious as Vince, his son Shane and Umaga triple team Lashley. Shane has a referee shirt on but gets yanked out of the ring and beaten up by Austin before he can make the three count.

931 - The Donald is concerned with the rampant rule violations from the McMahon camp, yelling "What's going on over here???" He decides to take matters into his own hands, coming out of nowhere and nailing Vince with a clothesline and proceeding punch the crap out of him.

932 - Lashley pins Umaga after a stunner and the overzealous timekeeper rings the bell at the two count. Vince McMahon comes out on the losing end of the Battle of the Billionaires, to the surprise of absolutely no one.

934 - Vince attempts to sneak away without holding up his end of the bargain, forcing Lashley to sprint down the aisle and drag him back to the ring.

936 - Trump wants to get this over with so he can get home and watch himself on The Apprentice.

937 - Vince's awful acting during the headshaving segment is on par with his awful announcing from back in the day.

939 - Austin is chilling in the corner of the ring with a Miller Lite while Trump and Lashley shave Vince's head.

940 - Austin is forced to get off his ass in order to help Vince fall over backwards in the barber's chair.

941 - Stunner on Trump!!!! That came out of nowhere. I can't believe The Donald agreed to that.

942 - Dmo is ready to leave but Melissa is too comfy to get up. Eventually Dmo manages to convince her.

946 - Titties! (The women's title match is a "Lumberjill" match, meaning the ring is surrounded by all the scantily clad WWE divas)

953 - Mercifully the women's match is over quick. What a colossal waste of time that was.

954 - The divas fill the ring, its a Pier One brawl.

959 - Time for the main event, the Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels vs. The Champ John Cena. HBK comes out after five minutes of buildup that we miss while recording dialog.

1002 - Someone in the audience is holding up an Israeli flag.

1004 - Cena's intro consists of him driving around the streets of Detroit like a madman before arriving at Ford Field and crashing through the glass on his way to the ring.

1008 - A classless HBK slaps Cena to start the match.

1012 - I don't know how Shawn Michaels can still get away with calling himself "The Heartbreak Kid" when his face looks like a badly worn leather jacket.

1013 - HBK hiptosses Cena over the top rope to the floor.

1014 - In a direct repeat of a spot from his match against Kurt Angle at Wrestlemania 21, HBK springboard moonsaults off the second rope onto Cena on the outside of the ring.

1018 - This match has been pretty bad so far.

1019 - I am falling asleep here.

1021 - HBK is wearing the crimson mask.

1022 - The ref eats some sweet chin music (HBK's finishing move, a superkick to the face)

1025 - HBK piledrives Cena on the outside steps; Cena has done absolutely nothing offensively in this match.

1028 - The original ref is still down from sweet chin music. You would think at this point the WWE would start hiring referees who could take a punch.

1032 - We get treated to a nice 45 second stretch of good wrestling, sadly its taking place 24 minutes into the match.

1034 - They are both passed out on top of each other in a scene straight out of "Brokeback Mountain". Seriously, HBK's hand is on Cena's crotch.

1036 - For the second straight year Cena gets his opponent to tap out to the STFU to end the show.

I'm not gonna lie, this was pretty painful to watch. Usually even when a show is bad if your watching it with a group of people you can still have a good time mocking it, but this was so bad it sucked the energy out of the whole room. The only good matches were Money in the Bank and the Battle of the Billionaires and those two weren't really good wrestling matches; Money in the Bank was like a stunt show, and the Battle of the Billionaires was only entertaining for what was going on outside the ring. Of course, my gut told me going in that the show was probably gonna suck. This is not one of those times I relish being right.