Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not

A while ago I was exchanging emails with a friend of mine and his roommates, whom I had met briefly. One of his roomates claimed not to remember me by name alone, which seems preposterous, I know, but was understandable as we met at a party with a huge amount of people present. So she asked me if I had a beard. A simple question with a seemingly simple answer tthat anyone who has met me would be able to provide. Yet for some reason it gave me pause.

Obviously I do have a beard. Aside from a couple of months here and there, I have since sophomore year of high school. So why was it so hard for me to answer?

I guess what it comes down to is when I think of myself, I don't really think of "having a beard" being one of my defining characteristics. Which is kinda weird, I guess. I've heard other people describe me as having a beard, but its not something I think I've ever used to describe myself. Maybe its the stigma that comes with having a beard that i'm trying to distance myself with. When I think of someone with a beard I picture a rich WASP in a tweed jacket with patches on the elbows, possibly smoking a pipe. I don't think anyone would describe me that way.

The beard thing made me think of a larger issue, that being the disparity between how people see us and how we see ourselves. Back when I first started working at the liquor store I was standing there minding my own business when the customer I was waiting on, a woman in her mid-40s, started chuckling. I asked her what she was laughing at, and she responded, "Nothing, its just funny to see a grown man wearing a GI Joe shirt."

I immediately fired back, "I'm 22 years old, I'm hardly a grown man." But I guess she was right in a way.

Despite my age and how I felt inside, I was being viewed by others as an adult. A pretty scary thought. One I certainly wasn't ready to deal with at the time, and probably not even now, three years later.

I've always had a hard time reconciling how people see me with how I see myself. I've run into so many people from high school who've told me they thought I was an asshole back then, which, when I think about it is kind of understandable. I am a big guy, and people find that intimidating. Couple that with the fact that I was so miserable the whole time I was there that I rarely, if ever, cracked a smile, and it is easy to see why people would assume that. Still I've never been a fan of labeling people. Its a ridiculously closed minded thing to do, and you tend to miss out on a lot that way.

Most people can't be summed up in one or two words, unless they are on the Real World. Real life isn't that simple. I've met people from all walks of life, and rarely do they fit into preconceived notions of who you think they'd be. Another thing about the liquor store; (I hate to keep bringing it back to that but I learned more working there for 2 years than I did at any college I attended) I used to get hit on in that place on an almost daily basis, which I found pretty weird. I never really thought of myself as attractive, despite what a (very) few girls have told me over the years. Then again, I'm not a chick (or a gay male) so I don't really know what an attractive guy looks like, unless they are Jim Nantz or Tom Brady. Eventually I began to realize it didn't matter how I thought of myself. It all boiled down to one of life's eternal debates, Perception vs. Reality.

Many people will tell you perception IS reality, meaning you are what people think you are. But I think that's bullshit. If you ask three different people to describe the same event, you'll get three different stories. Which is why I don't put much stock into what people think of me. If someone thinks I'm a smug, arrogant wiseass, that's fine. If they think I'm a sweethearted, sexy mother fucker, that's fine too. Even if they think i'm as ugly as fuck, I don't care. Because the truth is, I am all of those things and none at the same time.

Chris Cornell put it most succinctly, "Be yourself, its all that you can do." The only person who can decide what that means for you, is you.