Glass Case of Emotion: Cowboys vs. Seahawks: The Running Diary

Saturday January 6, 2007 was the opening round of the NFL playoffs. Since the Panthers are out of it this year, I really don't have a rooting interest, and would have been content to watch the games at home, or someone else's house. However, since Dmo is a diehard Cowboys fan, he wanted to be surrounded by other Cowboys fans while watching their opening round game against the Seahawks. While you could go to pretty much any bar in the U.S. and be surrounded by Cowboys fans, we chose to head to Bailey's, my second home on NFL Sundays, and the new Korean Rummy capital of Rockland County. Since I've watched several a Cowboys game with Dmo, I knew it was not an overstatement when he declared it would be a shitshow, and I knew that rather than trying to keep him in line, the right thing to do would be to keep a running diary.

730pm - Rick and I cease playing Smackdown at his house and leave to pick up Dmo. On the trip over we discuss how crowded Bailey's normally is during football games, and how crowded it normally is Saturday nights and realize we may be making a huge mistake. Rick however, remains the eternal optimist, repeating over and over, "Maybe it won't be crowded."

742 - Rick mumbles something and trails off, leading me to make fun of him, which leads him to bring up my epic trail off from the 2005 Preakend, only this time, I am ready for him:

Ostrowe: "They're certainly not using it to make the rest stops any better."

It only took me a year and a half to finish that thought.

758 - We arrive at Bailey's to find the parking lot overflowing with cars. Miraculously Rick finds a spot, and we enter the bar, navigating through a massive sea of humanity before finally coming to a stop near the porch entrance; I think every single person I've ever seen in Bailey's at one time or another is here tonight, with the notable exception of the Hottest Chick on the Planet.

802 - Dmo orders the first of what will be many pints of Budweiser; one of the regular bartenders nearly goes into shock when I tell her I only want Sprite instead of my usual Bud Light.

803 - A moment of silence for the Badfish concert bracelet, which ripped as I grabbed my Sprite from the bar.

Badfish concert bracelet
10/1/06 - 1/6/07
It will be missed.

806 - The new waitress looks like she got lost on her way to perform the early shift at Lace; Dmo comments that his beer is going down smoothly and also informs us that he was boozing at home before he left. This is going to get ugly.

820 - After seeing a commercial for the Apprentice, Dmo exclaims that he is excited for his Apprentice office pool at work, further proving his degenerate gambling addiction.

828 - A fat chick sitting at the bar yells "Go Seahawks!" to taunt Dmo; he responds by calling her a mooncricket.

843 - An actual mooncricket in an Aikman jersey buys Dmo's next round.

905 - Dmo is irate at the Cowboys being flagged for holding on third down and spikes his visor to the ground in disgust.

921 - While trying to discard wing bones I somehow managed to drop them on the floor. I am retarded.

925 - TO drops a pass and inspires derisive cheers from the majority of the bar. Dmo demands that I write "TO = Mooncricket" in the running diary.

927 - A patron mistakes Dmo's drunken stumbling for wanting to dance; Dmo claims he will be dancing when Dallas scores.

Dmo: "I'll be doing the hokey pokey!"

929 - The crowd erupts after a Dallas touchdown; Dmo loudly yells "That was handsome!!!"

Rick: "How did you come to be a Cowboys fan?"
Dmo: (arrogantly) "Because I live in America"

930 - Dmo is easily dissuaded from taking a boozing break at halftime.

943 - Flatulence.

945 - Dmo crosses the line, calling Rick by the same invective he used for Jerry Oswald at Springfield.

947 - Dmo asks for another beer by yelling "Hey Tillman!" at the bartender wearing a Pat Tillman jersey and shaking his glass at him.

1003 - Dmo assaults Rick after Miles Austin runs back the kickoff for a TD, then yells out "HE'S A MOONCRICKET!!!!!!" so that the entire bar can hear. Its a good thing no one has any idea what that word means.

1017 - Dmo continually tells an older broad with the worst bangs in the history of the world she likes Barber. She needs a fucking Barber to do something with that awful hair. She looks like she's wearing a Davy Crockett coonskin cap on her head.

1019 - Dmo, yelling at no one in particular: "Goddamn Mooncricket!"

1027 - Dmo to an old guy wearing a UVA polo shirt: "I hope Al Groh dies." The UVA fan chuckles on his way out the bar. I would have ripped into him myself if not for the fact that he is a regular. Still, I don't like him, and I hope Al Groh dies.

1028 - At this point Dmo isn't even speaking English anymore.

1040 - Dmo condemns referee Walt Anderson to Auschwitz.

1052 - A biker guy with tattoos up and down his arms shows up, Rick mistakes him for Comic Book Guy.

1055 - Dmo predicts the game will end on a field goal from "Automatica".

1059 - Dmo declares TO is handsome.

1109 - Romo botches the snap and Bailey's erupts, Dmo is too drunk to react appropriately.

1114 - The tab arrives; Dmo drank 9 pints of Bud in the little over three hours we were there.

1120 - Dmo trips down the stairs as we are leaving the bar, crashing into an SUV. He then trips going back up the stairs, then once again going back down the stairs, crashing into another car.

Dmo promised a shitshow, and he did not dissapoint. Throughout the course of the night we were on the receiving end of several dirty looks from our fellow patrons. As for the game itself, having watched my team blow a game on the biggest stage, I have a lot of sympathy for Dmo watching his team lose in such devestating fashion. But not so much sympathy that it prevented Rick and I from writing all over him when he passed out later playing Smackdown.